[The Sun stands behind a podium, with the Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars to his left, and Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto to his right.]
Please know that whether you are a furloughed government employee or working without pay, a contractor, a small business owner, or a private citizen impacted by this terrible event, know that you matter to me!
To the hardworking employees of the United States Government, I know many of you will not receive checks today. This is an incredibly frustrating, demoralizing, and nerve-wracking time for you, and all of us here share your pain.
As your chief astrological executive, I pledge that I will put every effort into helping you cope with current conditions. Right now, every astrological planet is direct--in itself a rare event!--and in a position to help you. I have asked Jupiter and Saturn, who are not present today, and I have directed them to work on this problem until the situation is resolved. Let me assure you of their seriousness and diligence.
Finally, as a gesture of goodwill, none of us will receive a paycheck until this crisis is resolved. Lady Moon, would you please...
Moon: Yes, sir. I'd be happy to. [Moves to the front of podium] Many of you are embracing me right now, as I am who you go to in times of crisis. Please accept my sympathies and wishes for a speedy resolution forward. Do not close yourself in your homes worrying if you can help it, and please make sure you are taking care of yourselves, especially by resting. Mercury...I believe you're next?
Mercury: [moves to front] Yes, ma'am. As chief information officer please keep abreast of what's going on out there. Things can happen quickly. Hopefully, this thing can end even more quickly than it began. Also, I know this can be a very nervous time for many. Deal with the facts as you have them in front of you as much as is possible. Speculation about what might happen will erode your mental health slowly but surely. Venus, I think you're up?
Venus: [Moves to front] Thanks, Merc. As the planet of money and cooperation, I can't express my disappointment deeply enough. The very idea that some people are considered "non-essential" makes me incredibly sad, because everyone is always essential! The fact that not only do you not have money to meet basic needs, or are losing money indirectly, is infuriating. This has happened because people won't compromise! Sadly, you will have to put some of what you want on the back burner for now until this thing is resolved, and for that, I cry with you. Hold your loved ones a little tighter, please, and try not to sell anything in these hard times that you're going to regret losing later. Again, I'm so sorry. Know that you are loved and appreciated for more than just what you are able to buy and do. Mars...you're up.
Mars: [shoves Merc out of the way and faces the Sun] Boss, we're not getting paid? When did this shit happen?
Mercury: An email sent two days ago at 3:45pm entitled, "Suspension of Salaries due to Financial Crisis", Mars. I'm guessing you didn't read it? I know you were on the TO line.
Mars: Well now I'm REALLY fuckin' pissed! And I know you are too! But hear me out: GO DO SOMETHING. Get your ass off the couch and make something happen. Use that anger to get some shit done, especially if you're not going to work or have some more free time. And if you've got time, you've got time for sex, right? Damn right you do! Take what you can get, especially 'cause sex is free, amirite? [leers at Venus] Who's next?
Uranus: [Steps forward, carefully avoiding Mars] This whole thing has thrown a monkey wrench into your financial life and into your plans! I just was in Taurus but moved back into Aries not long ago. I should be back in Taurus in six weeks, but I hope the shutdown doesn't last that long. When it comes to your finances, think outside the box! You may have more than you know. And use social media to help deal with your feelings and to make ends meet whenever possible. Look for online deals and specials if you're in need, and share those that you find. Nep?
Neptune: [stumbles toward the podium] I know getting drunk sounds like a really good idea right now, but if you can find an escape that's a little healthier than that, you won't regret it as much later. And if you've got some extra time--GET CREATIVE! Write, draw, paint, craft, whatever. Put some of that energy into creating something beautiful. Thanks...where's Pluto?
[All look around and Pluto is nowhere to be found]
Sun: I apologize that a member of my staff seems to have...stepped away...
Mars: I smell an ass kicking! I mean what the fuck dude? Little shrimpie couldn't take the heat? TOLD YOU!
Sun: [grimaces slightly] Mars, please...I'm sure there's an explanation. [faces front]. In short, good people, please don't get down on yourselves. We're here to serve you as best we can and hope the situation gets resolved soon. If we have any news we'll send it along.
For now, please hang in there!
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