Mars: You know the drill, dude? What is next on the FLAVORATOR?
John: [looks at next container of wings] It’s smeared but I think it says…Carolina something? Something Carolina? [hands over the container]
Mars: FUCK YEAH! That would be CAROLINA REAPER! [rips open container and bites into a wing] AWWWW YEAH! That is some FIRE!
John: True to form, you are much braver than I am! [consults iPad] Tell me about what signs you struggle in.
Mars: [snarls] Cancer! Hard to get any traction there.
John: [nods] Why?
Mars: Have you ever been threatened by a crab? Doubt it!
John: I’ve never felt threatened by a goat, either…
Mars: [laughs] OK man, true story, true story! Obvs I’ve never felt it from a goat. But Cancer wants comfort, not conflict. Unless it involves someone else bothering a family member or a close friend, and THEN I can kick ass and take names. All bets are off if you fuck with the family!
John: I believe I’ve heard that someplace. But what about the claws?
Mars: [chuckles] Well the claws are more for survival on the crab than attack. That’s why they have that outer shell. They want to play defense and skitter away…I don’t play that game! Running is NOT my jam; I embrace the fight!
John: Yes, I’d heard that Mars in Cancer folks tend to use your energy as a last resort, even when it comes to sticking up for themselves.
Mars: Yup. Not gettin’ far with the crab at all, dude.
John: [consults iPad] So if my math is right, there are two signs left we have to discuss.
Mars: [frowns] Not a fan of either of them. So let’s get it done!
John: I think it’s interesting that both of these signs are Venus-ruled.
Mars: So I gotta say, that bitch is HAWT. H-A-W-T. Don’t tell anyone but I’ve even let her spend the night a few times! She’s my girl.
John: I assume we’re talking about Venus?
Mars: No. The fuckin’ Moon! OF COURSE Venus, dick for brains!
John: But Taurus and Libra…
Mars: Both are a pain in my ass! Neither one really want to work. Taurus is too busy sitting on the couch, eating bonbons and shit like that. Getting motivated in that sign is a bitch. But I will say this: Get them started and then get the fuck out of the way!
John: So, you’re not motivated in Taurus or you are? Which is it?
Mars: Dude, get off my jock! I am GETTING THERE!
John: [eyeroll] My apologies. Go on. [gestures]
Mars: It takes a lot to GET me moving in Taurus, but when I do get moving there’s no stopping me. Hard to stop a moving Bull! Especially if there’s cake involved! But don’t tell Venus I said that!
John: You can count on my discretion. So a bull at rest tends to stay at rest, but a bull in motion tends to stay in motion?
Mars: There you go again, egghead! ENGLISH PLEASE!
John: Right. [thinks for a moment] A bull will run you the fuck over if you try to slow it down, AMIRITE?
Mars: See? How fucking hard was THAT?
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