Interview with Mars, Part 7

John: What about Mars in Libra? What can you say there?

 

Mars: Not much TO say, man. I call ‘em “the linebacker in a tutu”!

 

John: That’s an interesting turn of phrase!

 

Mars: Damn straight. When I’m in Libra, I’m so not like myself. It’s like I don’t want to fight at all.

 

John: Well, Libra is a sign of harmony. Conflict is, as you would say, not that sign’s jam.

 

Mars: Fuck no. And honestly even if you tell them go fight somebody, they don’t wanna do it. “Linebacker in a tutu!” It’s that kum-ba-yah, let’s fuckin’ sit around the campfire and talk about your feelings sort of bullshit. Drives me NUTS!

 

John: I think I understand now. Libra is a sign of conflict avoidance, Mars. Of course you’re not comfortable there.

 

Mars: [points at John] I know you egghead types! You’re gonna ask me to describe it!

John: That would be awesome, Mars.  

Mars: [points to his head and smiles] If you’ve ever worn a piece of clothing that is too tight or looks stupid on you because someone else asked you to, that’s Mars in Libra. You don’t want to fight so you put it on. Fuckin’ stupid but it happens.

 

John: Great that you said that, because it shows how uncomfortable you are in Libra.

Mars: You could say the same thing in Taurus. When I’m stuck in one of those two signs, it’s like wearin’ one of those protective cups on your scrot so your nuts don’t get smashed playin’ sports…

 

John: Right…I think I get it…

 

Mars: …but the jock strap is too tight or the cup’s too small and you want to take the fucker off…

 

John: Ummmm no need to go on, Mars…

 

Mars: And then you’re adjusting it but there’s no fuckin’ point because it doesn’t help and everyone’s looking at you ‘cause you’re touchin’ your nads anyway! AMIRITE?!?!?

 

[pause]

 

John: I certainly understand. At the same time, I sense that your explanation, while filled with incredibly vivid locker room imagery, will not make its way into an astrology book anytime soon.

 

Mars: You’re writing a book?

 

John: No, Mars, I’m not writing a book…it was just an expression.

 

Mars: You authoring Mercury fuck! DUDE…if you write a BOOK, that shit needs to be in there, man!

 

John: If I ever decide to write an astrology book, Mars, I promise I’ll think about it.

 

Mars: Damn right you will!