John: I’d like to talk about what signs…
Mars: No, dude! What is the next set of wings you bought?
John: [Looks at the scrawl on the container] Barbecue ranch? That’s what it looks like. [hands over container]
Mars: Fuck yeah dude! [rips open container] And do you have something to drink?
John: [hands Mars a 64-ounce Thermos] Here you go.
Mars: Dude you rock! [take a drink] So what were you sayin’?
John: I’d like to talk about what signs you work the best in for my readers.
Mars: Oh yeah! ARIES ALL DAY BABY! That’s my best one ever.
John: Right, we got that part.
Mars: Who’s that woman you mentor who you call “Daughter of Mars”?
John: As a matter of fact, I do have a mentee with that nickname. She’s quite a fan of yours. Her name is Ren.
Mars: I love that bitch! She really jives with the signs that I rule, both of them!
John: Well, we’ve only talked about Aries so far. What’s the other one?
Mars: When I’m in Scorpio, I’m also totally bangin’!
John: Now hold on…isn’t Pluto the ruler of Scorpio?
Mars: There’s a fuckin’ story there! Scorpio used to be mine back in the day. Then you fuckin’ eggheads discovered Pluto back in like 19 fuckity-fuck...
John: 1931 actually.
Mars: What the fuck ever! Anyway, these modern astrology eggheads gave him to Pluto, without even fuckin’ asking me! Dicks. Totally fucked me over.
John: Academics aside, how do you behave when you’re in Scorpio?
Mars: Dude, I rock the house in Scorpio, but I’m less up front. More subtle and shit. I’m not so much rip your face off but I’m more of a slash your tires when you’re not looking type of thing. I’m more cool and calm about it, and I wait for my shot instead of the fuckin’ frontal assault. It’s more like ninja style, more strategery and hit and run. Scary but still way fuckin’ cool, dude. You’re a Scorpio sun, so you feel me.
John: [smirks] I do indeed feel you, Mars.
Mars: And for the boot-knockin’ Mars in Scorpio is amazing. Mars in Aries may be a quick burst but Mars in Scorpio? Those fuckers can go all night like fuckin’ lumberjacks, man. SERIOUSLY!
John: [chuckles] Seriously. So you rule those two signs. I’ve told my readers about the exaltation, another excellent placement for a planet. Which sign does that job for you?
Mars: I know it sounds weird, but Capricorn! I know…that’s a sign that doesn’t seem like me, but I gotta tell you, those bastards can really make shit happen over the long haul.
John: How do they do that?
Mars: Cappie is something that I’m not: An organized planner and not a scrappy grunt! Mars in Aries will win you a battle, but Mars in Capricorn will win the whole fuckin’ WAR!
John: The whole war?
Mars: You’re doing it again, dude! You seriously need a hearing aid. [smile] Anyway, Capricorn wins the battle before they fight. Some guy name Sunny said something about that back in the day, amirite?
John: [consults iPad] I think you’re talking about Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”: “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”
No comments:
Post a Comment