Meeting of the Astrological Minds: The Outer Planets Meet Again!

Neptune: Hi Urnie! What's going on?

Uranus: Nep! It's great to see you! What gender are you identifying as these days?

Neptune: Who knows? I can hardly keep up. It depends on what vibe I'm getting that day.

Pluto: Dude, you can be over there connecting with the all but what the fuck are the rest of us--read: me--doing here?

Uranus: Self-promotion, Pluto.

Pluto: Come on! Not this shit again. I'm more into self-destruction!

Neptune: Yeah. Heavy. Like, I totally feel you, Pluto.

Pluto: For the last fucking time, no, you don't "feel me", you delusional hermaphrodite hippie! For fuck's sake, I AM PLUTONIUM, DAMMIT!

Neptune: [GASP] That's mean! I'm just trying to be nice! You couldn't have any possible idea of how I feel! And what's wrong with hippies?

Uranus: Neptune, don't let him bother you! Pluto, I'm not talking about hostile takeovers or anything.

Pluto: Well, shit! Then I go back to "Why the fuck am I here?"

Uranus: People don't get us, Pluto. And this time, our intrepid blogger friend is not helping.

Pluto: Don't fuck with John, Urnie. I told you that before. He's one of mine. Do you fucking listen?

Uranus: I do, but can't you see how he's causing problems for us? Or do you not want to see it?

Pluto: He doesn't ignore us, Uranus. We just don't get to rule signs in his world. That doesn't mean we're not important.

Uranus: On the contrary, my nuclear brother! He's taken that from all of us. Don't you want it back? And you SAY he's one of your people, Pluto, but does HE feel the same way about you?

Pluto: I've known this kid a long time. Have you seen him lose his temper? He's mine, all right. I'm not foolish enough to think he's ALL mine--my name isn't Saturn or Mars, after all--but my influence is being felt in his life right now. I've been playing ping pong with his rising sign over the past few years, and his employment situation keeps changing. So he might not belong to me all the time, but I'm working it there. What's your damage?

Uranus: I liked being the planetary ruler for Aquarians. I did. And until 5-6 years ago, John believed I was their ruler, too. Now...not so much. And time marches on and all, but I've gotta wonder if there's a way to get him back on our side. He has students he can influence!

Neptune: John never left our "side", Urnie. You just don't have as much influence, or so you think. But influence is an illusion; I'll be the first here to tell you that.

Uranus: It's just that I get the urge to rebel, to push back! Why should we accept the status quo? We need to have more influence and make our lives better!

Pluto: Look, John's evolved over the years, which is my territory. He's interested in a lot of cutting edge stuff, and he's an astrologer, which is your territory, Urnie. And we've seen that when he puts his mind to it, he can be creative, and he's also a psychic, which Nep handles. Check out his Erin Condren planner and you can see it for yourself. But I don't think you're going to get anywhere with this. John is many things, but when his mind is made up, it's made up. You're important, but you're not a sign ruler in John's world.

Uranus: I guess you're right, Pluto. It's just hard for me to accept where I am; it's not in me to give up.

Pluto: No, and you shouldn't ever give up. But do what I do: Have your meltdown and make some changes. Then see how the shit comes down.

Neptune: And maybe some meditation!

Pluto: Fuck that shit, Neptune. OBLITERATION is the best feeling in the world. I'm an obliterator, and I wish more people embraced me.

Neptune: Hmmm. Embrace you, huh? I guess you don't do yoga, Pluto? No sun salutation? Reiki? How about a little feng shui? Sun gazing? Journaling? A private moment for reflection? Anything at all?

Pluto: None of that horseshit! No. No fucking kale or caffeine colonics. No seaweed wraps or fucking hot stones. None of that free range, bohemian, connecting with the Divine, fair trade, save the seals, kum-ba-yah singing songs and drum circles fucking bullshit!

Neptune: You'd be so much less enraged if you did, Pluto, and more people might embrace your influence. Tell you what, though...I'll send some positive thoughts your way. I've got more suggestions on my phone. [goes into next room]

Pluto: [To Neptune, in a low voice] Stick your thoughts and prayers up your ass, dipshit. [To Uranus] Are we done here?

Urnie: Yup, I guess this meeting is over. Come on. I'm buying the first round.

Pluto: Urnie, "mineral water" doesn't count. But since I don't want to shell out money for drinks, I'll do what I normally do: Tell Neptune it's his or her or its turn to pay, whatever the fuck he/she/it calls him/her/itself at this given moment in time, precious as it is. And then Neptune pays, and I conveniently forget it's my turn and do the same thing next time since he/she/it assumes I'm right and won't question it just to be polite! Watch how well this works. [Raising voice] I paid last time, Nep!

Neptune: [From the next room] Well then it's my turn to treat, I guess. Zombies for everyone! Let's go! 

Uranus: [To Pluto] You're kind of a dick.

Pluto: [To Uranus] Yeah, but you still kind of admire me.

Uranus: [PAUSE] [whispers] I'll never admit it publicly, but maybe occasionally. [To Neptune, loudly] Can't wait!