Saturday, July 23, 2016

Saturn: Dispatches From Retrograde

Dear John,

I figured I'd send along a letter during my retrograde trip. While I won't presume that you are "missing" me or my influence, it's just common courtesy to let my people know what I'm doing.

Being out here in the world, I've become convinced that the world has gone mad. If Mars were here, he'd probably say everyone is "whack," if I used the current vernacular, but I leave such plebian phrases to him and Mercury, who I'd call a half-wit if he weren't so damn smart. 

No one seems to have the most basic of respect for anyone else anymore, and that pains me. No one appears to have any sense of proper boundaries. I'm sure if I was on social media more, I'd feel that to a greater extent. As it is, I only use Quora, and only to answer questions about Saturn, of which there are sadly not that many. 

By the way, I'm happy for you that Quora lists you as one of the top ten "Sun Sign" experts on the site, but I expect you spend a lot of time telling people why they would or wouldn't get along with a given sign. There's so much more than that; the Sun sign is only the introduction of an enormous tome. They could just pick a sign at random and go with it, or they could just get to know the person. It seems like we don't do that anymore, either.

I've had one or two people ask what I'm doing, or look at what I'm writing, in my travels, but since most people can't read cursive, my dispatches back to HQ may as well be in Cantonese or Twi. At least I can claim all the postage on my travel voucher; I sometimes forget how much I enjoy the simple pleasure of putting pencil to paper.

Anyway, I hope that you're taking this time away from me to take a serious look at your life and make some changes. 

I also fervently hope you're not running around with your phone out like an idiot! Several people have nearly run me down trying playing, I guess you'd call it. Sounds like absolute chaos to me! People dashing to and fro, "catching" imaginary "monsters" to fight them in imaginary "gyms" and take them over for their "team"? RIDICULOUS!

At least when you play your games there's sometimes--let me stress the "sometimes"!--something to be learned. I'm guessing by now that Offworld Trading Company has been kicking your behind. Good! That will teach you to wile away the hours colonizing Mars. 

And of all the planets to pick, you had to go to the brute! You people have some kind of weird, sick love affair with that bully of a planet that I just don't understand. He's loud, he's rude, and lacks the decency and manners of the common dog. 

Even given your propensity for wasting time, I'm glad you're at least limiting your silliness and frivolity to a home computer where no one can see you, and not running around like some empty-headed moron wasting time flocking to historical landmarks catching bizarre creatures. 

Speaking of your home computer, I've seen your office...hope you're doing some work in there, too, because my sources told me before I left that you needed to declutter in the worst way. How can you operate a business efficiently in that mess? This is a reminder to take care of it, post haste.

I hope you've taken the time to take some pot shots at me in my absence. I'm pretty cut off when I'm in retrograde and I only write in my reports to the Sun on paper. So I don't take the time to read your prose while I'm away. I'm sure you expect that by now. I guess I'll find out when I return how much damage you've caused to my reputation. 

I think that's all for the time being. You may now return to your likely underhanded attempts to be the most profitable company on Mars. Just because your opponents want to stoop to the level of cyber attacks, inciting worker strikes, and setting off nuclear bombs underground to limit access to natural resources doesn't mean you should do it, too. Win with honor, or don't bother. Actually, don't bother. 

I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks. 

Very truly yours,


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