Sunday, August 14, 2016

Shameless Marketing with Mercury and Jupiter!

Mercury: Hello everyone...Mercury here with the information you need to hear about John's upcoming tarot schedule!

Jupiter: And Jupiter here to do John's dirty work of shamelessly marketing his business services! He's too busy playing Offworld Trading Company to pander to all of you.

Mercury: [Coughs] My colleague's comments notwithstanding, many of you have been asking about John's tarot dates for the next month or so. Well, he's finally given them to me...I've been trying for a month, folks. He ignores my text messages sometimes; I'm not really sure why. But at least he finally gave me what I asked for and then some!

Jupiter: Maybe he ignores you because you never shut up, Merc. 

Mercury: Whoever got anything done by staying quiet, Jupiter. Seriously! And you're the planet that rules publishing? Imagine!

Jupiter: There's a difference, Merc. You present the facts, while I present informed opinions.

Mercury: Call it what it is, you hypocrite. It's propaganda!

Jupiter: That's it? With your extensive vocabulary, you should be able to do better than that! And it's not propaganda if it advances your agenda. 

Mercury: Ummm...isn't that the very definition of the word?

Jupiter: I've never been a student of Funky and Wagner, so cut me some slack, Mr. Facts and Figures. 

Mercury: [glares] It's FUNK and WAGNALL, you cretin! Paging Mr. Jupiter...Mr. Jupiter! Please put down the Schopenhauer and Nietzsche and back AWAY from the philosophy section! [Pauses] At any rate, here are the dates when John will be reading at 13 Magickal Moons for the foreseeable future...see? Look what I did! There's a little psychic humor for you!

Wednesday, August 24, 6-9pm

Saturday, August 27, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, August 31, 6-9pm

Saturday, September 3, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, September 7, 6-9pm

Saturday, September 10, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, September 17, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, September 21, 6-9pm (Open Mabon Ritual!

Saturday, October 8, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, October 22, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, October 29, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, November 2, 6-9pm (Open Samhain Ritual!)

Saturday, November 19, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, November 30, 6-9pm

Saturday, December 3, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, December 10, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, December 21, 6-9pm (Open Yule Ritual!)

Jupiter: That's really awesome, Merc. Thanks for that. [Pauses] What I don't see on here is John's book writing schedule.

Mercury: Well, you would be correct this time, Jupiter. John doesn't have a book writing schedule. He doesn't have a book, either. By my count he's got four in various states of completion, but none of them are actually done. He's nowhere near publishing a book!

Jupiter: Well, when is that asshole going to get around to publishing one? I mean COME THE FUCK ON. How long does he expect us to wait around?

Mercury: I told you that he ignores me. The fact of the matter is that he barely answers my many missives. But this is probably not the time or place...

Jupiter: BULLSHIT! This is the perfect time and place. He needs to get his ass in gear. 

Mercury: I can't disagree with the facts there, but as far as the "when" we're not privy to that information.

Jupiter: Well dude, what have you been doing? I mean other than going retrograde every ten minutes! Aren't you Mr. Information Gathering? Can't you take photos of his Erin Condren planner or something? And by that I mean BEFORE you go retrograde again at the end of this month?

Mercury: I could, but wouldn't you have an ethical problem with that?

Jupiter: I'll agree it's unethical. But if the end justifies the means...

Mercury: So you want me to steal information from John to find out when he's going to publish a book? Even if there is no book coming?

Jupiter: Yes. That's about right. Pure information gathering. I wouldn't even think of it as "theft". Information should be free to all. 

Mercury: Hmmm. Information does belong to everyone...

Jupiter: Of course! That's an excellent rationalization for unethical activity! I've used that one before.

Mercury: I'll think about it. He sort of deserves it for making fun of Geminis all the time.

Jupiter: That's a fantastic supporting need: Revenge! I love it. It's a time-honored classic. Go with it! Sally forth!

Mercury: But wait a second. I almost forgot...aren't you supposed to be telling people to have John do astrology charts and tarot parties for them? "They make great gifts for Halloween, Christmas, and any other holiday you can think of?" Something along those lines?

Jupiter: Absolutely! But we can do that next time. The fat bastard won't even realize we didn't. He doesn't read this crap.

Mercury: That's what John asked us to do this time!

Jupiter: I've conveniently forgotten what he told us to say, actually. And you?

Mercury: [Smiles] Temporary information retrieval difficulty. I like that!

Jupiter: I think we're finally speaking the same language, fact-face.  

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