Saturday, August 13, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Saturn Return

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Glad we can be together again!

Pluto: [to himself] That makes one of us.

Sun: First off, I'd like to welcome back Saturn to our midst!

Mars: [singing] Guess who's back/Back again/Saturn's back/No one cares! HAHAHA!

Venus: Mars, come on. You're better than that. Well, I'd like to believe you are, anyway.

Neptune: And forgive me for saying this, Mars, but "no one cares" doesn't rhyme with "back again" and I think that's how Eminem intended it.

Mercury: Totally agree, Neptune. You're right!

Sun: [SIGH] Saturn, I am glad to have you back.

Saturn: Thank you, sir, for forcing yourself to say that. While happiness isn't in my makeup, I'll go with "contentment to return to the boundaries of my planetary obligations".

Pluto: Oh, what the fuck ever! I guess you didn't lose the stick up your ass on your retrograde trip, Old Man.

Saturn: I don't cast aspersions on your size or demeanor, Pluto, and I barely tolerate your presence. To be fair, you wouldn't be here if I didn't act as the bridge between the worlds.

Pluto: This is me not repeating my "What the fuck ever!" response. Oh, wait...

Sun: Gentlemen, please. We have a lot to cover today. Lady Moon, what's on our agenda?

Moon: Well, the first thing I have on my list is "Not allowing this meeting to get out of control."

Sun: [low voice] I think you may be looking at the wrong list, Luna...

Moon: Wait a minute! [shuffles papers, and opens up her Erin Condren planner and grabs another sheet of paper] Here it is! Forget what I just said.

Mars: Yeah, we all know that's not going to happen.

Venus: You're currently part of the reason for the lack of control. Don't act like a brute and it might go smoothly, Mars. Remember what we discussed.

Mars: [crosses arms] FINE. Go ahead.

Saturn: Thank you, Mars.

Mars: [to Saturn] I wasn't talking to you, you walking ad for Prozac and knee replacements! [To Moon] Apologies, ma'am. Go ahead.

Moon: Thank you, Mars. Our first agenda item is a report from Saturn.

Pluto: I hope it's an abbreviated report. "The world is fucked. Thank you! Try the veal! Tip your servers well. "

Mars: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's fuckin' awesome! [PAUSE] No one else thought that was HILARIOUS? [PAUSE] OK. Shutting up now.

Saturn: [glaring at Pluto and Mars in turn] I'll try to keep my remarks limited to what would be of general interest to the group so as not to bore anyone.

Mars: Too late! Already more boooooooooring than crotch rot!

Saturn: Sir, would you prefer to meet privately?

Sun: No, Saturn. We, and when I say "we" I mean "at least me," do truly want to hear what you have to say. [To Mars and Pluto] You two need to chill, or I'm throwing you out.

Saturn: Thank you, sir. As you are doubtless aware, events of the past few months have stoked the fears of an already frightened populace. It seems that acts of violence have multiplied over the past month or so, which I attributed to the return to direct motion of a certain planet.

Mars: Why you miserable old fuck! You want to blame ME for this? Where have YOU been to keep everyone in line? This is total BULLSHIT!

Sun: [mutters] Oh shit. [To group] Saturn, could you please limit your...personal commentary about other astrological planets? I'm sure it's a combination of many factors.

Mercury: Very true, sir. Correlation does not imply causation! Give us the facts, Saturn.

Mars: I don't know what he said, but YEAH! [drawls] Gosh, Mr. Mercury, you use your tongue better than a $20 whore!

Venus: Mars, remember that "Blazing Saddles" was on the list of "Movies We Don't Quote During Meetings"?

Mars: All of my movies were on that list, Venus. And I only own like 30. Totally not fair!

Saturn: Anyway, the point I was trying to make before the peanut gallery got involved is that Jupiter and I need to sit down and talk about how to get this under control. There has to be a balance between personal freedom and security. I'm sure with some private meetings we can come up with a plan.

Jupiter: I'm certainly open to such an exchange.

Sun: Excellent. Then I'll leave you two to work out the details.

Mars: Yes, then you can privately blame me for every fuckin' thing. Fuckin' d-bags!

Sun: Lady Moon, is there anything else that we need to discuss?

Moon: Yes, sir, but I suspect it would be a waste of time right now...

Sun: Agreed. Let's plan to get together again soon. I'll adjourn this meeting. [PAUSE] Mars, in my office, please.

Mars: Fuck me! Not again.

Venus: [whispers] I told you, Mars. So take your punishment, and do yourself a favor and don't interrupt. It will just take longer.

Mars: DAMMIT. [in a loud, pained voice] Please, sir, may I have another?

Neptune: And they say I'm delusional? Some days I feel like the only sane one in the room.

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