Thursday, August 4, 2016

Letters from Mars: Mad Props, Ripping Off Ball Sacks, and Taking Names


You are fucking SLAYING IT at the gym these days! It used to be that the Chinese delivery place knew your name. Now it's the people at Planet Fitness who recognize you. That is totally cool and WICKED FUCKING AWESOME! Just think of the chicks, man. Oh're hitched. Well, there's the other benefits of staying in shape. I'm not sure what those are, but looking cool and muscled is so fucking sweet that the other shit is just a bonus! You should start doing some selfies on Instagram or some shit; I've got a whole portfolio of them, and believe me, they're all my good side! But hell to the yeah!

I heard you're trying to make money off of me in a game called Offworld Trading Company. That's so fucking sweet! You're playing like a wimp, though. Saturn is probably giving you that "win with honor" bullshit. While Pluto would tell you "win at any cost", I can't say that, either. But you need to WHIP THEIR FUCKING ASSES. 

You came in second way too many times. Take the fight to them. They give you those black market options for a reason--you should be using them to make sure you come out on top. Fucking mutiny their asses! Pay to steal their shit! Don't let them take the best resources. Don't you dare try to go along to get along; you've seen how far THAT gets you! 

The last thing you want is to be a limp dick like Saturn, who's been around so long I don't think he's seen his own soldier stand up straight since they celebrated Saturnalia!

I'm not into that strategery bullshit. My life plan is pretty simple: 1) Bust down the door or take out anything in your way. 2) Beat the shit out of anything inside. 3) Take fuckin' names. 4) Repeat.

I'll be doing some moving myself...I'll be out of Scorpio again in just over a week, and that will suck. I'm not a fan of the archer, dude. Really I'm not. Scorpio and Aries are where it's at for me. I'm ripping off ball sacks and takin' names right now, but Sag is more big picture thinking and it takes away from my "one battle to win at a time" mentality. He doesn't have the intensity of my favored signs.

Hey man, it's been great but I gotta bounce...Venus gets super pissed when I don't text her back. She's amazing, but sometimes, especially in Scorpio, I don't have a lot to say. I'm not solving the world's fucking problems, unless it's with a war, which is fun even if it never really solves anything.



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