Mars: Wait...we have to show up and HE doesn't? What bullshit is this? This is college football's opening weekend!
[Moon and Venus look directly at Mars]
Mars: Shit, I fucked up again. Goddamit! [folds arms and takes on soothing, forced tone] Please continue, Lady Moon.
Moon: Thank you, Mars. As I was saying, he's working on something else so he can't attend this meeting.
Saturn: Might we inquire on the reason for his absence?
Moon: I just told you, Saturn, but unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to provide more details at this time.
Saturn: [mutters] Figures. Hope it's important.
Moon: First on our agenda tonight: As you can see from his lack of presence, Mercury is retrograde.
Mars: Wait...again? I thought he WAS just retrograde!
Moon: Three times a year, Mars. You know the drill.
Mars: I don't know HOW he gets anything done!
Venus: He moves a lot faster than we do, Mars.
Moon: Uranus, what's the story on social media?
Uranus: Lots of folks are talking about Mercury, ma'am, but the eclipse was also getting some good play. It seems people are checking out how the eclipses affect their personal lives.
Moon: That's excellent! And what is their overall feeling?
Uranus: Pissed off at Mercury, as usual. The mere utterance of the phrase "Mercury retrograde" seems to engender fear in the hearts of people as well. I've never seen another planet with the impact of Mercury...except maybe Pluto.
Pluto: Yeah, the whole "size" thing. If they asked me nicely, I'd be happy to show them how big I truly am! [Stands up and reaches for zipper]
Moon: As much as everyone would love to see your, umm, real size, Pluto, no one has ever questioned your large impact in the astrological world. Please sit down.
[Pluto smiles and sits back down]
Uranus: [To Pluto] And how many people can say they had a beloved cartoon figure named after them? Most people still pronounce my name "your anus" instead of "YER-AH-NUSS" and it's totally embarrassing.
Pluto: Oh, come the fuck on! That's not saying a lot, Urnie. Do you know that there isn't much Pluto stuff you can buy, even if you go there in person? But you go ahead put a mouse on every fucking piece of clothing imaginable, and that shit sells? I don't get it! Man's best friend, my fucking ass!
Mars: I think that's the longest set of sentences I've ever heard you say, Pluto. Awesome intensity, dude!
Pluto: Well it certainly couldn't have come out of your mouth, Cro-Magnon Mars!
Mars: [raises hands] Dude, do not get me started! It's not going to be me starting shit today.
Pluto: It is every other fucking day!
Moon: Enough, you two. Pluto, you are excused!
Pluto: Wait...you're chucking me out?
Moon: We'll see you at our next meeting, Pluto, but you're acting belligerent.
Pluto: [points at Mars] I fucking bet if I were a personal planet, I'd get to stay, right? But I'm an outer planet, so I have to go! BULLSHIT!
Moon: That has nothing to do with it, Pluto. And don't try playing the "outer planet" card with me. I'm within my authority to ask you to leave. SO GET OUT!
[Pluto stalks to the door, opens it, and slams it with all his might. The room shakes.]
Neptune: So hard to find our Zen as a group these days. Maybe we should start each meeting with a positive affirmation or something.
Moon: That's an excellent idea, Neptune. I'll put it on my list of topics for the Sun. Uranus, was there any indication of when Mercury would be returning?
Uranus: [Opens Erin Condren planner] End of September, ma'am. That's when he should be back up to full speed.
Moon: And not a moment too soon. Thank you, Uranus. Venus? How is John doing?
Venus: Our intrepid blogger is holding his own, ma'am. Many people are asking after his well-being with his beloved gone for another week and a half or so. Hopefully, he'll get some R & R this weekend, as he's kind of looking a little rough. And his beloved is doing an excellent job helping her parents. Luckily, he did get a few days with her earlier this week down there. His former mentee had to postpone their time together due to illness...she's Taurus sun, even though she's Gemini rising, so with Merc unreliable at the moment I'll keep an eye on her. I think that's everything, ma'am.
Moon: Thanks, Venus. I found out about his trip to Florida after the fact. He'd already returned. Mercury neglected to tell any of us.
Saturn: No surprises there!
Moon: Be fair, Old Man. Normally he's excellent at giving us the information. And you've got to let the guy have a few secrets.
Uranus: John had to go radio silent on social media for a few days to not give away the surprise, but just showing up had me written all over it. Totally a tactic from my book. I loved it!
Uranus: [To Pluto] And how many people can say they had a beloved cartoon figure named after them? Most people still pronounce my name "your anus" instead of "YER-AH-NUSS" and it's totally embarrassing.
Pluto: Oh, come the fuck on! That's not saying a lot, Urnie. Do you know that there isn't much Pluto stuff you can buy, even if you go there in person? But you go ahead put a mouse on every fucking piece of clothing imaginable, and that shit sells? I don't get it! Man's best friend, my fucking ass!
Mars: I think that's the longest set of sentences I've ever heard you say, Pluto. Awesome intensity, dude!
Pluto: Well it certainly couldn't have come out of your mouth, Cro-Magnon Mars!
Mars: [raises hands] Dude, do not get me started! It's not going to be me starting shit today.
Pluto: It is every other fucking day!
Moon: Enough, you two. Pluto, you are excused!
Pluto: Wait...you're chucking me out?
Moon: We'll see you at our next meeting, Pluto, but you're acting belligerent.
Pluto: [points at Mars] I fucking bet if I were a personal planet, I'd get to stay, right? But I'm an outer planet, so I have to go! BULLSHIT!
Moon: That has nothing to do with it, Pluto. And don't try playing the "outer planet" card with me. I'm within my authority to ask you to leave. SO GET OUT!
[Pluto stalks to the door, opens it, and slams it with all his might. The room shakes.]
Neptune: So hard to find our Zen as a group these days. Maybe we should start each meeting with a positive affirmation or something.
Moon: That's an excellent idea, Neptune. I'll put it on my list of topics for the Sun. Uranus, was there any indication of when Mercury would be returning?
Uranus: [Opens Erin Condren planner] End of September, ma'am. That's when he should be back up to full speed.
Moon: And not a moment too soon. Thank you, Uranus. Venus? How is John doing?
Venus: Our intrepid blogger is holding his own, ma'am. Many people are asking after his well-being with his beloved gone for another week and a half or so. Hopefully, he'll get some R & R this weekend, as he's kind of looking a little rough. And his beloved is doing an excellent job helping her parents. Luckily, he did get a few days with her earlier this week down there. His former mentee had to postpone their time together due to illness...she's Taurus sun, even though she's Gemini rising, so with Merc unreliable at the moment I'll keep an eye on her. I think that's everything, ma'am.
Moon: Thanks, Venus. I found out about his trip to Florida after the fact. He'd already returned. Mercury neglected to tell any of us.
Saturn: No surprises there!
Moon: Be fair, Old Man. Normally he's excellent at giving us the information. And you've got to let the guy have a few secrets.
Uranus: John had to go radio silent on social media for a few days to not give away the surprise, but just showing up had me written all over it. Totally a tactic from my book. I loved it!
Moon: Excellent, Uranus. Thank you! I think that about covers it for today. Any alibis? [Pause] Then we're adjourned. [To Saturn] There's a matter I need to discuss with you in private in the Sun's office, Saturn, if you have a moment...
Saturn: For you, dear lady, anything.
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