Saturday, January 28, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Chaos and Disorder

Moon: Folks, if you could all take your seats...

Saturn: Where's the Sun, Lady Moon?

Moon: [frowns] He's a little...delayed at the moment. Has anyone seen Jupiter?

Venus: No, but I know he hasn't been feeling himself lately. Too much going on.

Saturn: Lady, will we see the Sun today?

Mercury: Technically, every human on the earth has that same question each morning, Saturn.

Uranus: It's true. Luckily we get to see him all the time!

Venus: Is there a reason why you're so insistent, Saturn? Lady Moon has run meetings before.

Saturn: That's not really the point, Venus. I have a lot on my plate right now and I'd really like to get back to it. 

[Jupiter walks through the door]

Jupiter: Is the mighty Saturn feeling thwarted? Well, doesn't THAT suck?

Pluto: Looks like someone drank my Kool-Aid, or some of yours, Bam-Bam. Not sure which yet.

Mars: Fuckin' dickhead! I told you not to call me that!

Saturn: [to Jupiter] Do we have a problem, Jupiter? I wasn't aware...

Jupiter: Have you looked at the earth recently, Old Man? Of course we have a fucking problem! And it's getting so bad you don't even need to pull your head out of your saggy ass to see it!

Mars: [to Pluto] $20 bucks on Jove!

Pluto: [shakes Mars' hand] I'll take that bet!

Saturn: Jupiter, please, there's no need to...

Jupiter: Do you have any idea how fucking busy I've been because you haven't been fulfilling your obligations?

[Saturn stands up]

Venus: Uh oh.

Moon: Um, gentlemen, if we could table this discussion. Please. I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

Saturn: I believe I'm holding myself back admirably, Lady Moon. Obviously Jupiter has no idea what he's talking about. He doesn't seem to understand the philosophy, if you will, about what I'm trying to do. [to Jupiter] Just admit that you don't and we can drop this right now.

Jupiter: [mouth drops open] You miserable motherfucking establishment PRICK!

Saturn: My incredible disappointment is a drop in the bucket compared to the way I feel about you right now, sir. [Pause] You don't know what I've been up against the past few weeks. And you show no control by coming in here with insults and accusations. If I was in your position right now, I'd withdraw from this ridiculous altercation before you die from embarrassment. I am deliberately trying not to prolong it. [sits down]

Jupiter: [moving toward Saturn's seat] Well isn't that just fucking dandy! The astrological planet in control of the world's governments, ladies and gentlemen. And what a STELLAR FUCKING JOB you've been doing at it lately! Bravo! [starts slow clap]

Venus: Jupiter, step off. You're not being fair to Saturn at all.

Jupiter: [turns to Venus] Oh don't tell me you're taking HIS SIDE in all this! You of all planets!

Venus: [walking slowly toward Jupiter, speaking quietly] I understand how you must feel, Jupiter. I really do. But there are no sides in this. [hugs Jupiter] 

Jupiter: [starts crying] Damn you, Venus...look at me now!

Venus: It's not his fault. He has many faults, but he's not responsible for everything that's going on.

Saturn: Venus is right, Jupiter. I'm just as angry and upset as you are. How do you think I feel when nothing goes according to plan?

Jupiter: But you're acting normally. 

Saturn: What is it that Spock said..."I am emotionally compromised"? Don't ask me to repeat it because I never will.

Pluto: Yeah, well...that's nothing new if you consider emotional repression "compromised". 

Moon: [Gently] Pluto, please. [Opening Erin Condren planner] I'm cancelling for today. We'll reschedule this meeting; I think all of you need a break. We're adjourned. 

[Neptune walks through the door]

Neptune: Sorry I'm late...what did I miss?

Pluto: [To Neptune] DUDE. [To Mars] Pay up, Bam-Bam. The Old Man won!

Mars: No fair! Venus disarmed him!

Pluto: Cash, bitch. Now. 

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