Tuesday, January 31, 2017

In Their Own Words: A Royal Visit

[Knocking on door]

John: [gets up] Who the fuck is knocking on my door this late? [walks to door] Can I help you?

Female voice [heard through door]: I'm a traveling Lula Roe saleswoman and thought you might like some leggings. 

John: [turns around and calls upstairs] Jen? Are you expecting anyone to sell us Lula Roe at this time of night?

Jen: [faintly from couch] Ummmm nope. I wouldn't open the door...sounds like bullshit to me.

John: Hmmmm. I've gotta look. 

[John opens door and looks out on a man and a woman wearing bright royal robes and carrying torches]

John: [SIGH] Maryland or Pennsylvania?

King of Wands: Sir, what are you talking about?

John: You're obviously looking for the Renaissance Faire. Isn't it a little early in the year? And what sort of leggings are you selling?

Queen of Wands: We're not selling leggings, John. Heavens no! And we're not looking for a faire. We're the Queen and King of Wands, and we're here to inspire you.

John: Oh for fuck's sake!

King: I BEG your pardon?

John: I am SO not in the mood for this tonight. 

Queen: We waited specifically until you were back from your trip to come by. Was it fun?

John: Yes, but I'm sort of tired and I don't normally receive visitors late at night. And be careful with the fire...those bushes will go up in a heartbeat!

King of Wands: I demand to know why you haven't started the next tarot book yet!

John: DEMAND? Step off, your Highness. I've been sort of busy.

Queen of Wands: Don't talk that way to my husband! We're trying to do you a favor. 

John: Sounds like an ego trip more like. You want me to start this book because you two are in it! 

King of Wands: Of course! It will put all of your other books to shame. 

Queen of Wands: You can inspire many with your words!

John: [holds up a hand] I started it earlier tonight. Will that suffice?

King of Wands: Oh really? That's awfully convenient! How do we know you're telling the truth?

John: Trust me, your Highnesses. Or don't. But I haven't got time to debate it with you. My bed is calling me.

[The Queen of Wands opens her mouth to speak]

John: I don't give out delivery dates, your Highness, so don't bother asking. Now take your finery and your fire and please fuck off!

[John slams door]

Queen of Wands: Spirited young man, isn't he? [smiles]

King of Wands: Indeed. Let us adjourn to order our car service.

Queen of Wands: Next time I'll just say I'm selling Thin Mints. No one ever turns down those...they're just wafer thin...

[They walk away]

Jen: [from upstairs] Who was that?

John: Some asshats who can't find their way to the Ren Faire, honey. That's all. 

Jen: Were they really selling Lula Roe?

John: No, honey. I'd rather not talk about it. 

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