Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Astrology and Emasculation in Charm City

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Hope you're hanging in. It's been a turbulent few weeks. Lady Moon, who do we have out right now?

Moon: At the moment, sir, only Jupiter. But it's going to be more challenging soon. [Opens Erin Condren planner] Looks like we'll do our solar eclipse dance this Sunday, sir. Hopefully, it will be a good one. 

Sun: Thanks for the reminder, Lady Moon. I had almost forgotten.

Moon: And if I'm reading this right, we've got Venus heading retrograde on March 3?

Venus: Correct. I'm out for a while beginning in early March, Lady Moon. And I know Merc is out again. 

Mercury: Early April for me, Lady Moon.

Moon: It was really nice at the beginning of the year having you all here. 

Pluto: I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Lady Moon. But it was more predictable, at least. 

Saturn: [To Pluto] Don't be rude, Pluto. [SIGH] We were seven planets once, and we can be seven again. 

Pluto: Doesn't matter how many of us there are, Old Man. You'd still be an asshole!

Saturn: I beg your pardon? You're lucky the Sun hasn't decided to kick you out for your poor attitude. 

Sun: Gentlemen, we're not going down this road again. Saturn, I was just planning to ignore his comments like most other planets do anyway.

Pluto: Thanks, boss. Good job with the positive motivation there. 

Sun: Sorry, Pluto. I'm just not feeling it much these days. I'm trying but it's been hard. 

Venus: We understand, sir. And I hate to go retrograde right now when people really need me. But orders are orders. 

Sun: No worries, Lady Venus. I've been dealing with these jokers for thousands of years. [chuckles] Mercury, would you like to give your report on the astrology conference?

Merc: Yes, sir. Our favorite blogger drove up the road a piece to spend a day at the NCGR Conference in Baltimore, a veritable who's who of the astrology elite. 

Saturn: Well, there were a number of notable absences. Some people were stopped at the border. You either take care of your paperwork or you don't get through...that's the deal. 

Merc: Luckily, that didn't take away from any of John's enjoyment. The first presentation he attended was about YOU, Old Man. I don't know that I'd question John's loyalty to you. 

Saturn: Really? 

Merc: Yup. It was on the history and mythology of Saturn, and it was an excellent presentation by all accounts. It was told in all its beautiful, detailed glory, and John stayed for the whole thing. 

Saturn: Wait, did they focus on the emasculation stuff again?

[Room silent]

Saturn: Damn. I really hate that part of the story! They end up portraying me as this emasculating, horrific taskmaster who is associated with the world's downtrodden people. Please tell me the lecturer didn't go there. 

Merc: Yup, sounds about right. They had some great images, too. There's this one where this one guy is holding what appears to be your...

Sun: [Interrupts] I think we get the point, Mercury. Who else did John see?

Uranus: The other highlight of the day was Janet Berres. She did a fantastic workshop on astrology and tarot. 

Sun: Oh wow! That's right up his alley. 

Neptune: Yeah, she did a great contrast between Uranus and I and the difference between astrology and tarot. Good stuff!

Saturn: I'm glad he went to see my presentation at least, though it sounds like it was thoroughly distasteful.

Mars: You are who you are, Old Man! I don't know that there are any photos of me with my junk in someone's hand, though. That's pretty awesome!

Saturn: Young man, your fascination with genitals of all kinds is irritating, and in this case infuriating. 

Mars: Not sure what you just said, Old Man, but I have a response: Get off my DICK! Or maybe that's the WRONG thing to say to you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sun: Mars, that's more than enough. Merc, send the reports via email to Lady Moon, who will see that they're distributed.

Mercury: Yes, sir. It really was an interesting day. 

Saturn: With your permission, sir, I will withdraw. [Saturn leaves]

Sun: I think that's about all the nonsense I have time for these days, people. We're adjourned. 

Mars: Some guys get so sensitive about their dicks! I mean, I know he's old but he can probably still...you know...

Venus: Mars, you just don't know when to quit.

Sun: Lady Moon, please ensure that Mars' genital remarks are stricken from the official record. But keep the information provided by Mercury, since it was not actually intended to be insulting. 

Moon: Yes, sir. 

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