Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Mars Rising: Facing the Eclipse

[Dialing phone]

John: Come on, man. Pick up!


Mars: YO! Talk to me!

John: Mars? It's John!

Mars: Heyyyyyyy duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! What's up?

John: Why don't you tell me? You texted me last night.

Mars: Huh? 

John: Your text message said "Duuuuuuude comin' 4 U Fryday". And I get the feeling it wasn't about potatoes.

Mars: OH YEAH! I did, didn't I? Well you know I'm getting hit this weekend. 

John: [Pause] Getting what this weekend? Lit?

Mars: No, asshole! "Hit", not "lit". Neptune's lit all the time and that shit is NOT for me. Well maybe some Jaeger...blood of the deer! And maybe some tequila!

John: Wait a sec...I think I understand. The eclipse is hitting you in my personal chart...is that what you mean?

Mars: Fuck yeah! I was sitting at 24 Aquarius when you were born...and the eclipse is catching me on the flip side. 

John: Yeah, I noticed. So how do you...behave when you "get hit"?

Mars: How the fuck should I know? You flabby wastes of space are all different. 

John: You're not being altogether helpful. 

Mars: Dude you talk like a weird combo of Merc and the Old Man! I just figured it out. WINNING!

John: [eyeroll] Fascinating. You, sir, are an insult even to cretins.

Mars: Oh, you're taking it? That's great!

John: Taking what?

Mars: Creatine! That shit is great for the body. 

John: Oh for fuck's sake! That's so far removed from what I even said it may as well have been in old French. No, of course I'm not taking any supplements! 

Mars: Dude, you will lose that spare tire in two shakes if you mainline it!

John: And damage my heart, liver, and kidneys in the process, right?

Mars: BULLSHIT! They've got nothing. Never hurt me at all. They're just haters.

John: You know this because of your Ph.D. in pharmacology from Harvard, I suppose? I'll take WebMD for $200, Alex. "This supplement could kill you if recommended by a caveman.""What is creatine?"

Mars: You're at it again, brainiac. Wanna speak fucking English now?

John: Fuck you, dickhead! I'll take my chances on Friday. 

[hangs up]

Mars: Huh. He sounded pissed. WHATEVER!

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