The Great Conjunction of 2020

Jupiter: Old man! Thanks for coming over! Come in!

Saturn: Certainly, Jupiter. Thanks for the invitation.

Jupiter: [closes the door] Please have a seat…I brought out that hard chair with the solid back that you like.

Saturn: My thanks. May I remove my mask?

Jupiter: Of course! Can I get you something? Perhaps some 20-year-old Scotch?

Saturn: Generally, I would say no, Jupiter, but it is rather old…just a touch of it, please.

Jupiter: [hands Saturn a double shot in a glass and brandishes his own glass] Here’s to the solstice and 2021, and of course, to our upcoming collaboration.

Saturn: Indeed. [takes a sip of the scotch] You gave me too much, as usual.

Jupiter: [smiles] Give it your best shot!

Saturn: Fair enough. [puts his glass down] For the first time in a long time, we’re coming together in an air sign.

Jupiter: Yes! I am so excited. We’ve been in earth signs for 200 years, and this Great Conjunction is in the innovative sign of Aquarius.

Saturn: [pauses] It’s not completely unknown to me; I used to rule Aquarius after all before Urnie took it over.

Jupiter: I can tell you’re not particularly excited about the change. Want to tell me why?

Saturn: I know intellectually things have to change, but I keep going back to the idea that we have been doing things for a while a certain way.

Jupiter: [laughs] I hear you, man. It’s going to challenge both of us, I expect, but I’m feeling positive about it.

Saturn: I wish I had your optimism. Structures that have lasted for a long time will have to be broken down, and that’s not always easy.

Jupiter: Oh, come on, Old Man! Most of those structures you’re talking about are completely broken, anyway. You know how Urnie is; he only breaks the things that aren’t working.

Saturn: [sigh] That’s always hard for me. I set those things in place long ago. People count on them; in some cases, they live their lives by them. What’s wrong with them that they don’t work anymore? I did the job right the first time.

Jupiter: Listen, you’re too black and white on this one, as usual. You DID do your job right the first time but let me tell you something about culture: It changes. Priorities shift and people want different things. What worked 100 years ago doesn’t typically work today. Urnie knows when things need an innovative push. That’s not your strength, and we both know it, so we leave it to him now that we’re both in Aquarius. It’s not about the establishment anymore; it’s about the collective.

Saturn: When you start changing things radically, people get nervous, Jove. And Urnie has this streak toward anarchy that makes me uncomfortable. We can’t live that way.

Jupiter: Maybe it would be better if you think of it as an improvement of your existing structures? Urnie doesn’t want to re-invent the wheel.

Saturn: But again, that implies that what I did wasn’t good enough.

Jupiter: At some point we’ll need to talk about you seeing a therapist. Old people often become depressed or have anxiety, you know…

Saturn: It’s just who I am, Jupiter!

Jupiter: Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean you have to question your value or constantly tell people you’re not good enough, or just plain old “not enough”. That’s not one of your strengths, and I am well aware of the reason for it. But it does make you sort of a wet blanket.

Saturn: Delaying rewards just makes them sweeter. You are the one who wants to hand out rewards for no reason!

Jupiter: I think we’re getting off topic, Saturn. [pause] The point is that neither one of us has a choice. We’re being pushed into the New Age, ready or not.

Saturn: Hmmmmph. [pauses] I can’t deny that, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Jupiter: Hey we’ve got 200 years to run around together in air signs, so I suspect you’ll get used to it, eventually. [takes a liberal swallow from his glass] This shit is excellent, is it not?

Saturn: [takes another sip] Honestly it is lovely. [puts down his glass] The question that always goes through my mind is if I did my best; it fuels the idea that I’m never good enough.

Jupiter: I can’t think of anyone else that I would have trusted the structure building of the last 200 years to, Saturn. In earth signs, it was physical structures, economics, and lots of resource management. Now, we both will have to think differently. You know Aquarius much better than I do, but the road to the future is through progressive thinking, technology, innovation, and space travel.

Saturn: [chuckles] ‘To infinity and beyond?’

Jupiter: You knew it was bound to happen eventually. But it’s not time to be disappointment or to judge yourself too harshly.

Saturn: Humans are right about you: You’re an expansive, freedom loving bastard, but you do know a thing or two. You have my thanks.

Jupiter: [nods] We help each other out; if it wasn’t for you, I’d have no limits whatsoever.

Saturn: Yes, but don’t you hate that?

Jupiter: ABSOLUTELY. But I recognize that it is necessary. There’s a difference. I mean, how many potstickers can one really eat?

Saturn: That’s a loaded question, Jove. I hear there’s a Taurus woman who can give our esteemed blogger a run for his money on that score.

Jupiter: Yes, I’ve heard of her, too. Rumor has it she’s planning her reign as overlord of the world. She’s the one who said, “You never wake up a Taurus girl without food or sex!”

Saturn: [winces] Venusian wisdom at its finest. [raises glass] Blessed Yule, Jupiter, to you and yours.

Jupiter: [clinks glasses with Saturn] Blessed Yule, Old Man, and I welcome the arrival of the sun into Capricorn. Longer and better days lie ahead.

 

 

Planetary Meeting via Zoom: Mars Retrograde

Sun: Good morning, everyone! It’s been a while so I figured we should all get together…via Zoom. A special thanks to Mercury for setting all this up so we could meet from home.

Mercury: My pleasure, sir. Saturn, can we see you please?

Saturn: [annoyed] I can see myself! Why can’t you see me?

Sun: We can see you, Saturn…but just the top of your head.

Saturn: [adjusts screen] Better?

Sun: Thanks, Saturn. [pause] Lady Moon, could you go over our agenda for us?

Moon: Certainly, sir. Today’s meeting is to talk about Mars’ upcoming retrograde, as well as Mercury’s, and the Great Conjunction in December.

Sun: Thanks, Lady Moon. Mars, are you packed?

Mars: Yeah, boss. I’m packed, generally. Not ready for this, but I’m packed. I leave next Wednesday.

Moon: I’m sorry, Mars. I know this is not the best time for you to have to go away.

Mars: Damn fucking right it isn’t. I mean, who the fuck scheduled for me to be in retrograde in Aries and during a PANDEMIC? That’s just cruel!

Venus: We understand, Mars.

Saturn: We all must do our duty, Mars. But you’ll go direct soon enough I expect. Bear it well.

Jupiter: [imitating Saturn] 'Bear it well!' Look how I inspire you! 

Saturn: Your feeble attempts at wit go unappreciated, you expansive cretin!

Jupiter: Ooooooh! Cretin! Hurt me some more, you dirty old man! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT!

Sun: I will happily mute you both. [pause] Mars, where are you planning to visit this time?

Mars: Not sure yet. Someplace that actually has shit open, so that means…pretty much anywhere except the US. Maybe Europe? They’re playing sports at least.

Neptune: Who would have thought that so many people would have embraced me in the last six months? I mean…if they’re not doing creative projects, they’re drinking! I never thought I could be this happy!

Sun: Neptune makes a point. People have started new workout routines indoors, Mars, so take comfort that some people are improving themselves.

Mars: Venus is in her glory! [looks at Venus] Yeah, some people are buying Peloton bikes, but do you know how many calories people are consuming these days as they sit on their damn couches?

Venus: You’re starting to get irritable. I can tell it’s almost that time of your cycle.

Mars: Oh, very cute, Venus, very fucking cute!

Venus: Seriously, though, I can’t blame people for wanting to not do anything and be comfortable, can I?

Uranus: And most of them are at least surfing the world online! It won’t burn calories, but…think of how much the world has been brought together. It’s one giant collective!

Mars: GIANT is the word, Urnie. People won’t walk afterward…they’ll fucking waddle!

Sun: Well, I hope you can try to embrace the positive as you take a walk around, Mars. You will turn direct on November 13 and be home before you know it.

Mars: I’ll try, boss, but I’ll be dealing with lots of very out of shape, pent up, horny people who can’t fucking deal. How the fuck do you handle THAT?

Saturn: Yes, even you can’t satisfy them all sexually, although I don’t put it past you to try.

Venus: [mouth drops open] That was really mean, Old Man! Well it would have been if Mars was more perceptive. 

Sun: Agreed! That’s beneath you, Saturn! Seriously, though…good listening skills would likely help you, Mars.

Mercury: His ability to be an active listener is somewhat limited, boss.

Mars: What did you say, Brainiac?

Mercury: [holds a hand up] Let me try…”Dude, sit your ass down and nod your head when people talk to you. Then look serious!”

Mars: Is THAT all it is? I can do THAT! Everyone makes it sound so hard!

Sun: [facepalm] Lady Moon, do you think we can table the other two agenda items for today? I’m suddenly feeling unwell.

Moon: Certainly, sir.

Sun: Any final remarks before we adjourn?

Jupiter: Good luck, Mars. You’ll need it.

Moon: We will keep you in our hearts, Mars.

Venus: Yes, we sure will. Hang in there and I’ll see you when you come back.

Neptune: Here’s some advice, Mars: Talk less. Smile more. Don’t let them know that you think that they’re all whores.

Pluto: Don’t die, Mars. I won’t miss you but other people might.

Sun: Let us know how you’re doing Mars. I look forward to hearing from you!

[Mars leaves the Zoom call]

Pluto: Heh. What a wimp.

Sun: You didn’t have any advice for Mars, Old Man? [pauses and looks at screen] Oh that’s right…I muted him earlier. [pauses] Shit…I should have muted myself. You can end the call now, Mercury.

Deck Review: The Golden Girls Tarot Cards--A Look into Your Future from the Lanai

 

 

The television series “The Golden Girls” appeared on our television screens for the first time nearly 40 years ago and ran from 1985-1992. It’s a sitcom about four women who live together in Miami. The show was known for its four amazing characters—Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), Rose Nylund (Betty White), Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty), and Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur). All are divorced or widowed and find themselves under the same roof and let me tell you from personal experience that the show is hilarious. While the comedy is great, the ladies manage to take on serious topics regularly as well.

The show also won its share of awards. In seven short seasons it garnered a whopping 58 Emmy nominations, winning 11 times, as well as 88 Golden Globe nominations and 40 awards. All of the four main characters are comedy veterans with a pretty impressive list of credentials in their own right, but their on-screen chemistry is nothing short of magical.

 

Needless to say, it’s become a cult classic, which I strongly suspect is the reason behind why we are seeing “The Golden Girls Tarot Cards” on our online shelves.

 

With the introductions out of the way for anyone born after 1985, if you love bright pink and blue you will love the coloring of these cards. The back is a simple bright blue with an unobtrusive design and palm fronds, and the cards feel nice in your hand; they’re about the same size as the RWS standard.

 

The Golden Girls figure prominently in this deck, which isn’t really a surprise given its name, although there are a few appropriately placed men here and there for the Emperor and in the court cards. But that’s not who we’re here to celebrate.

 

The RWS imagery is all over this deck, and it’s basically a clone with a Golden Girl or three on each card. For the Major Arcana, all of the Girls have equal representation. The Chariot, for example, has Blanche in command of two good-looking male dancers; she was known for being the most romantically outgoing of the four and her sexual adventures were a common theme on the show. Sophia, who incidentally is Dorothy’s mother, makes an appearance as the angel on the Lovers, blessing her daughter and Dorothy’s ex-husband, both of whom stand apart in bathrobes; they got back together at one point. Rose’s positive attitude earns her the Sun, while Dorothy portrays the Grim Reaper on Death; she regularly killed with put-downs.

 

The Tower shows Shady Pines, the nursing home where Sophia lived after the stroke that caused brain damage to her verbal filter. Dorothy put Sophia in the home originally, but Sophia hated it and eventually came to live with Dorothy. For her part, Dorothy occasionally will say “Shady Pines, ma!” to try to keep her mom under control, with limited success. Interesting to note that Shady Pines never actually makes an appearance on the show, but it’s a great reference for the Tower!

 

We have our four standard suits, but each Golden Girl gets her own. Wisecracking Sophia gets the Wands. Sensitive Rose is on the Cups. Quick-witted Dorothy’s owns the Swords, while libidinous Blanche earns the sensual Pentacles. Each Girl is on almost every one of the cards in her suit, except for the Knights and Kings; those are normally occupied by a lover or boyfriend.

The Three of Swords shows Dorothy standing out on the lanai in the rain with palm fronds in the background, wearing a shirt with three swords through a heart, similar to the standard RWS imagery. The Two of Cups has Rose toasting with wine glasses with a boyfriend and it also mirrors the RWS.

In a slight nod to the RWS imagery, the Five of Wands has all four girls decked out in their bowling uniforms, highlighting the “friendly competition” meaning that is one of the standards for the card.  

 

In a few cases, however, it seems like the designer ran out of steam; the Ten of Pentacles just has a tree with 10 pentacles growing on it. This is Blanche’s suit, but she’s not on this card at all, and in the RWS there are no trees except way in the back. I mean…it’s a pretty tree…but it didn’t do a lot for me intuitively. Maybe I’m missing a show reference? That’s always possible.

 

The bottom line: If you’re a fan of the show, or you love the colors of 1980’s Miami, then this deck is for you. But this is really a niche deck and may not appeal to many younger tarot devotees.

The Golden Girls Tarot Cards: A Look into Your Future from the Lanai

Smith Street Gift

$19.95, Amazon

Deck Review: The Light-Seer's Tarot by Chris-Anne

The Light-Seer’s Tarot

Chris-Anne

Hay House Publishing

$24.99

 

I haven’t bought too many new tarot decks recently, but in this case, these gorgeous cards just showed up on my doorstep thanks to my student Ashley. It is always an honor to receive a deck as a gift, and I’m exceptionally grateful.

 

The Light-Seer’s Tarot is a 78-card Rider-Waite-Smith (RWS) style deck that makes many nods to the original imagery, but does not take that duty too seriously. In other words, if you’ve worked with RWS, you’ll see many familiar things, but it’s not even close to a clone. They are about the same size as a standard RWS deck.

 

This deck caught my eye immediately. The presentation is fantastic; it comes in a sturdy, alluring turquoise box with a guidebook. “Little white book” is far from the case here; it’s an excellent introduction for tarot beginners. It discusses the setup of the deck and gives an entry for each card, but it also provides some basic spreads and even discusses reversals.

 

Entries in the book have a “light seer” and a “shadow seer” description for each card. I really like that idea; it gives the reader a place to start in either direction, positive or negative. Each card also has an affirmation, which is honestly a great way to remember the cards. For example, on the Two of Wands, the affirmation is, “The world is filled with opportunities for adventure, and I welcome them into my life with planned action.” I’m all for a positive message that helps you remember the card.

 

I love the design on the back of the cards; it’s simple and powerful with muted colors and doesn’t distract from the images.

 

The images themselves provide a lot of depth for divination. There’s no scare factor here, though; many of the RWS images can seem too severe for readers, but there are none to be found anywhere in this deck. In a nod to equality, all races and genders are liberally mixed on the cards, and to my surprise and delight, there are more females on these cards than I have seen in a long time.

 

The Seven of Wands, for example, shows a woman in prayer pose seated cross-legged on a mat with the seven wands pointed in her direction. Behind her is a landscape of a hill scene inside a crystal ball. Unlike the RWS, the woman isn’t holding a wand and there’s no visible conflict. Is she defiant because she chooses not to engage others and continues to pray? Certainly, that’s one of the many ideas to consider.

 

I also liked the thematic development here. The Swords suit, for example, has birds on almost every card, a reminder of the element of air, of course. But on almost all of the Swords pips, there are ravens. The Eight of Swords is a great example; a woman looks in the mirror and in the reflected image, she sees four ravens tying her hands and blindfolding her. It’s a fantastic reminder of the idea that how we see ourselves does help determine our reality—are we really restricted, or is it just how we’re seeing it in our mind’s eye?

 

The Queen of Pentacles is one of the most beautiful images in the entire deck. A woman sits comfortably on a chair in the forest, a turquoise wrap covering her head with branches sticking out the sides. To me this was a nod to the Horned God. Her eyes are closed, and the turquoise eye shadow shows she’s resting or meditating, holding a large pentacle. I love the simple elegance of the design.

 

On the majors, the Wheel of Fortune jumped out at me. A woman is standing on top of the wheel, which is very similar to the RWS wheel in many ways but without the Hebrew letters this time around. The woman looks elated and is in a modified tree yoga pose, arms out to welcome whatever comes next. I loved the little reminder of the “luck” idea of the card in the pair of dice attached to a string around her neck.

 

The only negative I could really come up with was that the cards are a little slippery. That’s purely my personal taste; I always worry about the cards slipping out of my hand!

 

I’d highly recommend this deck for anyone who enjoys bright, positive decks with amazing colors and some subtle RWS imagery. I’d also say this is a great first deck for children, as there is almost no nudity in it and the images are so welcoming.  

 

To me this deck is like your favorite movie, book, or video game: The first time you experienced it was magical, but each repeat shows you something new. The small touches and nods to the RWS make the Light-Seer’s Tarot absolutely worth putting on your wish list, and I can’t wait to use it with clients!

Interview with Mars, Part 9

John: Mars, I can’t thank you enough for all of your time and your exceptionally, um, candid answers.

Mars: Sure, Mr. Flavorator. Got any more wings? I should be good after that…

 

John: [looks under table] I’ve got one more set left, Mars. Let me see…[picks it up] Barbeque ranch, I think? [hands it over]

 

Mars: Dude, you picked all my favorites today! How in the fuck did you do that? [opens container and begins eating a wing]

 

John: I always do research on anyone I’m going to interview, Mars, and those people I asked about you were very forthcoming.

 

Mars: Fuck yeah, dude! Well, let’s get it on! By the time people read this thing, I’ll be in Aries kickin’ ass and takin’ names!

 

John: There are those who call you a “dumb jock.” What do you say?

 

Mars: First of all, fuck them for sayin’ it that way. Thinkin’ is not my specialty, but what I do, I do it well. You want to fight? You don’t go to Jupiter, or the Old Man, or that pipsqueak Pluto. You come to me. When you’re up against it and your life is on the line, I’m your guy. If that makes me a dumb jock, well…at that point who needs a fuckin’ committee?

 

John: But for many people, their lives aren’t on the line and yet you still have a powerful influence over us. What do you say to those people who would say you’re a bully?

 

Mars: Get to know me before you judge me! I can help you more than you know.

 

John: How?

 

Mars: You have choices every day. You work with me, you get to know me, and I can show you how to handle conflict. Yeah, not every fight is one for your life, but you’d be surprised how often I turn up in places that you thought would be more…what’s the word I want, egghead?

 

John: “Civilized”, maybe?

 

Mars: [points at John and wing sauce flings onto John’s shirt] Dude, you got it in one! [looks at John’s shirt] Shit, dude, sorry about that.

 

John: [picks up hand wipe and rips it open] No worries, Mars. [dabs at shirt]

 

Mars: Anyway, conflict isn’t always about bashin’ in someone’s face. Sometimes people want you to think they’re nice and they act mean. When they are, you have to stick up for yourself. I can help you do that without getting physical if you understand how I work. And if it does get physical, well…then I can help you end the fight quickly, so you don’t get your ass kicked too bad.

 

John: What about what you were saying earlier about goals?

 

Mars: If you want something, I’m your guy. Venus can tell you what or who you want, but she can do that from her couch without lifting a finger. I’m the one who has to go get it, and I will if you want it badly enough. And when you’re getting laid, you can thank me…I’ll even wait for the fuckin’ gratitude until after you’re done!

 

John: That would probably be best. [closes iPad] Thanks for your time, Mars. You can take the rest of those with you. Anything else you want to leave us with?

 

Mars: Get your asses of the couch, good people, and get the shit done. Talk is fuckin’ cheap! Do your gym time. I don’t give a tenth of a fuck about anyone else but you. You’ve got a personal special operations team at your disposal, so don’t make me spend my life in the fuckin’ ready room! I want to be the warrior you call on. SO GET. IT. DONE. ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT!

Interview with Mars, Part 8

John: I want to make sure we hit everything, Mars, and you’ve got a big retrograde coming up soon!

Mars: Damn right I do! [pause] What’s next on the FLAVORATOR?

 

John: I am impressed and scared at the number of wings you have put away today, Mars. Is this some sort of record?

 

Mars: Dude, not even close. I once did 300 chicken nuggets!

 

John: At one…time?

 

Mars: FUCK YEAH! I was hurting the next day though!

 

John: [mouth drops open] No need to explain any further, Mars. I’ve seen you polish off 80 wings just today.

 

Mars: So, you didn’t answer my question, egghead. what’s next?

 

John: [checks out container] Looks like…garlic parmesan? I think?  [hands over container]

 

Mars: Another fuckin’ classic! [rips open container] So yeah, I’ve got a retrograde coming.

 

John: Before we get there, we need to step back. People don’t know how fast you move through the signs.

 

Mars: I’m not that fast, but I make up for it in PURE STAMINA!

 

John: Right. [consults iPad] Mercury told me that you move through a sign in about six weeks. Does that sound right?

 

Mars: Yup. The Brainiac would know for sure! I can’t even keep up with him. And Lady Moon? Forget it! That bitch is faster than all of us!

 

John: That would mean that about every two years you return to the same place it was when a person was born.

 

Mars: Yup, if you count the retrograde.

 

John: Just one retrograde during that time?

 

Mars: Yeah, I don’t like to take too much time off, you know?

 

John: [consults iPad] Mercury said it’s 9.48% of the time.

 

Mars: Dude, I don’t do math. If the smooth-talking little motherfucker said that’s what it is, who am I to say it isn’t?

 

John: Fair point, Mars. [pause] We were saying earlier that this entire retrograde will be in Aries for you. What are you normally like during a retrograde? Does your behavior change?

 

Mars: [pause] Yeah, sorta. I’m just not my usual self. I feel, well, more like I think Venus feels most of the time.

 

John: Meaning…?

 

Mars: Meaning if shit doesn’t get done during my retrograde, I’m not as concerned. Less get up and go, more couch. I love to get shit done, but during the nearly three months I’m retrograde, I’m lazier. Don’t bother starting somethin’ new during that time. Not worth it!

 

John: Yup. She told me she feels like work is a four-letter word.

 

Mars: Well, the last time I checked it has four fuckin’ letters: W-O-R-K. And they all call ME the dumb jock? [snorts]

 

John: [shudders] But earlier you said by being in Aries so long, you’ll give people the opportunity to push forward.

 

Mars: Yeah, man. I move into Aries in the next few days, so folks need to fuckin’ get on it ASAP; in September I go retro and I’m there until almost Thanksgiving. Thankfully I’ll be back home for the Holiday Party!

 

John: So, if I can summarize…

 

Mars: We don’t have any workout machines here, dumbass! Get to the gym to do that shit!

 

John: [facepalm] What I meant to say is that people should avoid starting stuff between early September and like, mid-November?

 

Mars: [shrugs] Huh. I guess so. My retrograde is not a happy time, man. Being on the road for that long really takes a toll on me, and I have to do two-a-day workouts to burn off all the takeout food once I get back.

Interview with Mars, Part 7

John: What about Mars in Libra? What can you say there?

 

Mars: Not much TO say, man. I call ‘em “the linebacker in a tutu”!

 

John: That’s an interesting turn of phrase!

 

Mars: Damn straight. When I’m in Libra, I’m so not like myself. It’s like I don’t want to fight at all.

 

John: Well, Libra is a sign of harmony. Conflict is, as you would say, not that sign’s jam.

 

Mars: Fuck no. And honestly even if you tell them go fight somebody, they don’t wanna do it. “Linebacker in a tutu!” It’s that kum-ba-yah, let’s fuckin’ sit around the campfire and talk about your feelings sort of bullshit. Drives me NUTS!

 

John: I think I understand now. Libra is a sign of conflict avoidance, Mars. Of course you’re not comfortable there.

 

Mars: [points at John] I know you egghead types! You’re gonna ask me to describe it!

John: That would be awesome, Mars.  

Mars: [points to his head and smiles] If you’ve ever worn a piece of clothing that is too tight or looks stupid on you because someone else asked you to, that’s Mars in Libra. You don’t want to fight so you put it on. Fuckin’ stupid but it happens.

 

John: Great that you said that, because it shows how uncomfortable you are in Libra.

Mars: You could say the same thing in Taurus. When I’m stuck in one of those two signs, it’s like wearin’ one of those protective cups on your scrot so your nuts don’t get smashed playin’ sports…

 

John: Right…I think I get it…

 

Mars: …but the jock strap is too tight or the cup’s too small and you want to take the fucker off…

 

John: Ummmm no need to go on, Mars…

 

Mars: And then you’re adjusting it but there’s no fuckin’ point because it doesn’t help and everyone’s looking at you ‘cause you’re touchin’ your nads anyway! AMIRITE?!?!?

 

[pause]

 

John: I certainly understand. At the same time, I sense that your explanation, while filled with incredibly vivid locker room imagery, will not make its way into an astrology book anytime soon.

 

Mars: You’re writing a book?

 

John: No, Mars, I’m not writing a book…it was just an expression.

 

Mars: You authoring Mercury fuck! DUDE…if you write a BOOK, that shit needs to be in there, man!

 

John: If I ever decide to write an astrology book, Mars, I promise I’ll think about it.

 

Mars: Damn right you will!

Interview with Mars, Part 6

John: So we know where you’re strongest…

 

Mars: You know the drill, dude? What is next on the FLAVORATOR?

 

John: [looks at next container of wings] It’s smeared but I think it says…Carolina something? Something Carolina? [hands over the container]

 

Mars: FUCK YEAH! That would be CAROLINA REAPER! [rips open container and bites into a wing] AWWWW YEAH! That is some FIRE!

 

John: True to form, you are much braver than I am! [consults iPad] Tell me about what signs you struggle in.

 

Mars: [snarls] Cancer! Hard to get any traction there.

 

John: [nods] Why?

 

Mars: Have you ever been threatened by a crab? Doubt it!

 

John: I’ve never felt threatened by a goat, either…

 

Mars: [laughs] OK man, true story, true story! Obvs I’ve never felt it from a goat. But Cancer wants comfort, not conflict. Unless it involves someone else bothering a family member or a close friend, and THEN I can kick ass and take names. All bets are off if you fuck with the family!

 

John: I believe I’ve heard that someplace. But what about the claws?

 

Mars: [chuckles] Well the claws are more for survival on the crab than attack. That’s why they have that outer shell. They want to play defense and skitter away…I don’t play that game! Running is NOT my jam; I embrace the fight!

 

John: Yes, I’d heard that Mars in Cancer folks tend to use your energy as a last resort, even when it comes to sticking up for themselves.

 

Mars: Yup. Not gettin’ far with the crab at all, dude.

 

John: [consults iPad] So if my math is right, there are two signs left we have to discuss.

 

Mars: [frowns] Not a fan of either of them. So let’s get it done!

 

John: I think it’s interesting that both of these signs are Venus-ruled.

 

Mars: So I gotta say, that bitch is HAWT. H-A-W-T. Don’t tell anyone but I’ve even let her spend the night a few times! She’s my girl.

 

John: I assume we’re talking about Venus?

 

Mars: No. The fuckin’ Moon! OF COURSE Venus, dick for brains!

 

John: But Taurus and Libra…

 

Mars: Both are a pain in my ass! Neither one really want to work. Taurus is too busy sitting on the couch, eating bonbons and shit like that. Getting motivated in that sign is a bitch. But I will say this: Get them started and then get the fuck out of the way!

 

John: So, you’re not motivated in Taurus or you are? Which is it?

 

Mars: Dude, get off my jock! I am GETTING THERE!

 

John: [eyeroll] My apologies. Go on. [gestures]

 

Mars: It takes a lot to GET me moving in Taurus, but when I do get moving there’s no stopping me. Hard to stop a moving Bull! Especially if there’s cake involved! But don’t tell Venus I said that!

 

John: You can count on my discretion. So a bull at rest tends to stay at rest, but a bull in motion tends to stay in motion?

 

Mars: There you go again, egghead! ENGLISH PLEASE!

 

John: Right. [thinks for a moment] A bull will run you the fuck over if you try to slow it down, AMIRITE?

 

Mars: See? How fucking hard was THAT?

Interview with Mars, Part 5

Mars: So what’s next?

 

John: I’d like to talk about what signs…

 

Mars: No, dude! What is the next set of wings you bought?

 

John: [Looks at the scrawl on the container] Barbecue ranch? That’s what it looks like. [hands over container]

 

Mars: Fuck yeah dude! [rips open container] And do you have something to drink?

 

John: [hands Mars a 64-ounce Thermos] Here you go.

 

Mars: Dude you rock! [take a drink] So what were you sayin’?

 

John: I’d like to talk about what signs you work the best in for my readers.

 

Mars: Oh yeah! ARIES ALL DAY BABY! That’s my best one ever.

 

John: Right, we got that part.

 

Mars: Who’s that woman you mentor who you call “Daughter of Mars”?

 

John: As a matter of fact, I do have a mentee with that nickname. She’s quite a fan of yours. Her name is Ren.

 

Mars: I love that bitch!  She really jives with the signs that I rule, both of them!

 

John: Well, we’ve only talked about Aries so far. What’s the other one?

 

Mars: When I’m in Scorpio, I’m also totally bangin’!

 

John: Now hold on…isn’t Pluto the ruler of Scorpio?

 

Mars: There’s a fuckin’ story there! Scorpio used to be mine back in the day. Then you fuckin’ eggheads discovered Pluto back in like 19 fuckity-fuck...

 

John: 1931 actually.

 

Mars: What the fuck ever! Anyway, these modern astrology eggheads gave him to Pluto, without even fuckin’ asking me! Dicks. Totally fucked me over.

 

John: Academics aside, how do you behave when you’re in Scorpio?

 

Mars: Dude, I rock the house in Scorpio, but I’m less up front. More subtle and shit. I’m not so much rip your face off but I’m more of a slash your tires when you’re not looking type of thing. I’m more cool and calm about it, and I wait for my shot instead of the fuckin’ frontal assault. It’s more like ninja style, more strategery and hit and run. Scary but still way fuckin’ cool, dude. You’re a Scorpio sun, so you feel me.

John: [smirks] I do indeed feel you, Mars.

 

Mars: And for the boot-knockin’ Mars in Scorpio is amazing. Mars in Aries may be a quick burst but Mars in Scorpio? Those fuckers can go all night like fuckin’ lumberjacks, man. SERIOUSLY!

 

John: [chuckles] Seriously. So you rule those two signs. I’ve told my readers about the exaltation, another excellent placement for a planet. Which sign does that job for you?

 

Mars: I know it sounds weird, but Capricorn! I know…that’s a sign that doesn’t seem like me, but I gotta tell you, those bastards can really make shit happen over the long haul.

 

John: How do they do that?

 

Mars: Cappie is something that I’m not: An organized planner and not a scrappy grunt! Mars in Aries will win you a battle, but Mars in Capricorn will win the whole fuckin’ WAR!

 

John: The whole war?

 

Mars: You’re doing it again, dude! You seriously need a hearing aid. [smile] Anyway, Capricorn wins the battle before they fight. Some guy name Sunny said something about that back in the day, amirite?

 

John: [consults iPad] I think you’re talking about Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”: “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”

 

Mars: Yeah, that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking! So yeah…when I’m in Capricorn I thrive!

Interview with Mars, Part 4

John: Looks like you’re done with that box. Maybe teriyaki next? [hands Aries another container of wings] 

Mars: Keep this shit up, man, and I’ll talk about my bad self all fuckin’ day!

 

John: Quite. [consults iPad] You talked about Venus a little earlier. You get done what Venus sends you to do, right?

 

Mars: [rips open container] Yeah, so?

 

John: Can you talk about your role in romantic relationships?

 

Mars: Romance is Venus’ thing, man. But once we get to it, I’m your man.

 

John: Could you explain “get to it” for us?

 

Mars: You’re how old and I gotta explain this to you? Gettin’ it on! Bangin’! Boot knockin’! Makin’ the beast with two backs! I mean you are married…

 

John: Mars, do not even think about saying whatever it was you were going to say after that.

 

Mars: [confused] I missed all that but I’m guessing you were getting pissed off. You get what I’m saying, amirite?

 

John: Yes, you’re referring to physical intimacy.

 

Mars: Fuck yeah! DUH. Goin’ all the way! And don’t get offended…don’t you know an Aries person who said that the only reason to get married was regular sex?

 

John: Yes, that’s very true. That’s a perfect Aries statement, too. [consults iPad] So she’s in charge of the love department and you’re in charge of sex. Does that sound right?

 

Mars: Yup! I don’t try to do her job and she doesn’t try to do mine. We work together, that’s all!

 

John: There are people who don’t understand the difference. Can you give us your perspective?

 

Mars: [pause] I guess. What do you mean?

 

John: In your opinion, what’s the difference between your work and Venus’ in relationships?

 

Mars: [pauses to think] If you still like actually the person when you’re taking a break between rounds of sweaty between the sheets action, then that’s probably Venus. If you’re more concerned with getting them or yourself an Uber after it’s done, then it’s probably me you’re dealing with.

 

John: To summarize, you’re more of the animal instinct to mate and Venus is more of the emotional intimacy. Do you think that’s fair?

 

Mars: Sounds right, I guess. Why humans can’t figure it out is beyond me!

 

John: Venus is the relationship planet, but can you be the one to start a relationship?

 

Mars: Sure! I get things done! Venus usually is in charge of that but if it’s purely…testosterone then likely the “relationship” won’t last too long. But I do know some folks who have purely sexual relationships to meet their needs, and I’m good with that. Just don’t expect them to go anyplace or stick around for the long-haul!

 

John: Thanks. Need some more napkins? [picks up the pile of napkins]

 

Mars: Fuck yeah! And some wet wipes!