Interview with Mars, Part 1

John: Ladies and gentlemen…

Mars: Ummm it’s “gentlemen and ladies” today, dude!

John: Right. How could I possibly forget? [Pause] Gentlemen and ladies, I’d like to introduce Mars!

Mars: WASSSSSSSUUUUUUP! It’s my time baby!

John: Yes, it is, Mars, in more ways than one.

Mars: TRUE STORY DUDE!

John: So do you know why you’re here?

Mars: Boss man told me to show up and talk about me. I’m damn good at that shit!

John: That’s what I was hoping for. [Consults iPad] So what’s the most important thing people should know about you?

Mars: Wait a sec! Where’s the food?

John: Excuse me?

Mars: I’m starving. The boss said you’d have food for me, so I didn’t eat. Amirite?

John: I thought we could wait for a bit before we…

Mars: [takes John by the shoulders] Dude, you’re my boy, allright? Scorpio sun and all. I feel ya, but I need some grub to stay focused. So, can you hook a brother up? And none of that complicated shit either! Just simple.

John: [signals to the production team] I’ll have some brought out and put under the table here, and it will be just a moment. So, let’s go back to…

 Mars: I GET SHIT DONE DUDE! That’s what I want the people to know.

John: Tell me what that means to you.

Mars: You don’t call me for talk, man. I’m not going to think about shit. You don’t call me for love or feelings or any of that shit. You call me for one thing: Get. It. Done.

John: Sounds pretty simple.

Mars: True story! I’m like your personal spec ops team. If you’re in a fight, you want me next to you. Because fuck them.

John: Who is “them” in that last statement?

Mars: Dude what are you talking about?

John:  When you say “fuck them”…

Mars: Dude, anyone in your way! Fuck them. If they’re cock-blocking you, fuck them. If you want it, you got it, and we go through ‘em.

John: I thought Venus tells us what we want.

Mars: Oh yeah…well, she might tell you what you want, but she ain’t gonna go get it. Who do you think goes to get it? ME! Obvs.

John: [dawning understanding] Ahhhh, I see. She tells people what they desire, and you go get it.

Mars: DUH. You’re supposed to be the egghead here. Why am I telling you when you oughta know already?

John: [facepalm]

Mars: You OK? You got a headache or something?

John: [sighs] No, but I’m sure I will soon.