John: So you mentioned how much you love being in Aries. What sign are you in now?
Mars: Fuckin’ Pisces. Those fish don’t do me any favors, let me tell ya.
John: They ‘don’t do you any favors’?
Mars: You got a hearing problem or somethin’? You’re always repeating shit back to me. Seriously dude, that’s annoying as fuck.
John: It’s a specific technique used to elicit…you know what? Doesn’t fuckin’ matter. Tell me about the fish.
Mars: They’re too fuckin' lazy and dreamy. When I’m there I’m more underhanded and not up front about things. I’m aggressive but I don’t show it…more like what they call…ummm…
John: Passive-aggressive?
Mars: [points with a parmesean peppercorn drenched index finger] That’s the fucker right there! But here’s the great news: I WON’T BE THERE FOR LONG AND THEN IT’S GAME. FUCKING. ON!
John: You must be referring to you entering Aries soon?
Mars: JUNE 29 IS THE DAY! Can’t fucking wait!
John: So you move into Aries. That’s a pretty normal thing…happens once every two years and you’re in a sign for about six weeks, right? [Consults iPad] Oh shit. Not this time, though.
Mars: NOT THIS TIME. SIX MONTHS IN ARIES!
John: Damn. This could get…interesting. My ephemeris says you’re in Aries until early January.
Mars: AMERICA FUCK YEAH!
John: There are some folks who are a little bit scared about that fact, Mars.
Mars: I get it, I get it. People are sheep normally. But in Aries can bring people courage, make them brave!
John: [gestures] Go on.
Mars: Let’s say you know this hot girl and you’ve wanted to get in her pants but you haven’t had the stones to do it. A little shove from your buddy Mars might help you out! Want a raise but couldn’t ask before now? I help you step up to the plate!
John: So, if I understand you correctly, you might help people find the courage to address endemic problems in their lives?
Mars: [confused] Dude you’re doing it again! SPEAK ENGLISH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
John: OK. I’ll try. With your help, people…step up and handle their shit?
Mars: What’s so fucking hard about that? If you tried you could talk that way all the time!
John: [eyeroll] Well, it certainly would be an attainable goal.
Mars: Dude!
John: Never mind, Mars, never mind. [consults iPad] My readers worry that you might bring a lot of conflict over that period of time.
Mars: Yeah, I probably will! But that doesn’t mean it’s going to suck. If you want to get shit started, I’m your man. If you want to have courage, I’m your man. I can give you the stones to do what you need to get done and I’m giving that energy to you for six months!
John: Very true. But aren’t also you the planet of violence and accidents?
Mars: Yeah, true story! But conflict is conflict. It isn’t always supposed to be a fight…because when it is…
John: [pauses]
Mars: I’m happy and proud of who I am, but I know what I’m not. I know I’m not smart like Mercury…I say things without thinkin’ and I act without even worryin’ about shit. I know how cool I am, but that’s not always a good thing. And when I’m in conflict, I’m flight or fight only, and I’m not worried about thinkin’, just survivin’ and winnin’. That’s my job.
John: You’re right. People need to be careful and try to use your energy productively. Is that a fair statement?
Mars: [nods] What you said, egghead! [Pause] Hey that rhymed! Merc would LOVE THAT SHIT!
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