John: [consults iPad] It says here you also rule physical activity.
Mars: HELL TO THE YEAH BOYYYYYYEEEEEE! I love getting hot and sweaty! And what the fuck is with all your gyms being closed? You haven’t gone in months! Don’t think I can’t see it.
John: Well, the coronavirus has us all cooped up and a lot of us, me included, aren’t ready to go back to the gym, even if we can. That doesn’t mean I haven’t…dude, this interview isn’t about me!
Mars: A good workout is healthy, man, seriously. And it keeps your energy levels sky high for your everyday bullshit.
John: So let’s dive into the “everyday bullshit” you’re referring to. [grabs a container of wings and a pile of napkins from under a nearby table]. Why don’t you start with these? And about 27 napkins?
Mars: Awwwww shit dude! WINGS! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! [sniffs and looks at John] Parmesean peppercorn? AMIRITE?
John: [to self] Whoa.
Mars: What?
John: [recovering] America fuck yeah!
Mars: Awesome! Bone-in, right?
John: Yup. Go to town. [sits back]
Mars: [rips open container and settles in] Fuck yeah man. [starts eating] So let’s get it on!
John: Let’s go back to high energy levels and stress.
Mars: [through a mouthful of wings] OK! Exercise is my jam. Makes life a lot easier. You deal with everyday bullshit like problems at work, idiots on the road, fuckheads in your social life. With me, I help you cope, and I show you how to fight.
John: I want to make sure I understand. You show us how to fight?
Mars: Fuck yeah! There are 12 signs of the zodiac, right? Think of them as 12 different styles of martial arts. Depends on which one you are.
John: Can you tell me, like, how that works?
Mars: FUCK YEAH. If you’ve got Mars in Aries…then I’m a hotheaded, let’s get to it, throw down the gloves and rip your face off right fucking now, MMA [mixed martial arts] scrappy, whatever you want to do as long as you fuck them up kind of style. I love being in Aries…it’s my total jam. It’s in your face, go fuck yourself, you’ll regret fucking with me kind of energy!
John: That sounds…dangerous.
Mars: Oh yeah! But it usually doesn’t last too long. One strong burst usually scares people off or ends the fight. If it goes on too long…
John: Wait a second. If what goes on too long?
Mars: If people use me all the time like that, they might have a problem because no one will want to be around them. Sometimes it’s like being on a hair trigger if you’re always ready to knock someone’s block off, amirite?
John: Makes sense. Mars in Aries is in rulership, so the energy flows easily. I suspect that’s what you’re trying to say.
Mars: You don’t need to be a dick about it! But Mercury’s right dude. You talk good. You want to impress me? Go back to the gym and stop reading books!
John: [looks over] Have you eaten all those wings?
Mars: About half, dude. You got more?
John: I had to ask the Sun for a loan to cover the number of wings I bought for you today, Mars. He said he’d pay half and it was still an exorbitant bill.
Mars: [confused] Is that a yes? Damn well better be.
John: Yes, Mars. There are plenty left [points to boxes under the table]
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