Friday, August 14, 2015

Letter to the Sun: Mysterious Correspondence, Herding Cats, and the Old Man

Dear Sir,

Thanks so much for your kind wishes. Jen and I were very pleased to receive them. Let me assure you that your kind words on the occasion of our 20th anniversary were more than sufficient, and you have our sincere gratitude for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to remember us. We visited the church where we were married to indulge in a "selfie", a word that didn't even exist when we got married, and you gave us plenty of light and warmth on both our wedding day and our visit last week, for which were extremely grateful.

I received two letters, both of which say they are from Mars, apologizing for derailing a meeting during which a gift for us was to have been decided. Receiving any letter from Mars is a rarity, but to receive two? Well, I have my doubts as to the veracity of their authorship. One definitely seems like Mars' writing style, which, while plebian, at least doesn't use single characters to replace words--like "u" for "you"--or letters for numbers, like "2" instead of "to" or "too". (The only person who can get away with that shit is His Purple Highness, Prince. But I digress.) Certain expressions seem also to pop up frequently for him, as his verbal palette, if you will, only has a few colors.

The other letter does not at all seem like it's Mars' style. It might have been Mars' intention originally, but it has been wordsmithed and edited within an inch of its life and likely has another author. I honestly didn't think of Mars as being capable of writing a sentence with so many complex grammatical structures, especially since they were all used correctly. Mars has many fine qualities, but his writing style seems to epitomize the brutish "pound it in over and over" approach, favoring simplicity and repetition over finesse and flowing prose. Speaking personally and off the record, I can think of maybe two planets who could have pulled off such a feat. In the end, though, it doesn't matter. The intentions were made clear to me--twice over--and I appreciate the efforts that were made to ease any feelings of disappointment I might have felt.

Thanks for asking about my relationship with Saturn. The rumors about my struggle with the Old Man are true, good sir. He has been a real pain for me this summer, and I know he's not going to let up for a while. Trying to enjoy life in spite of him seems to be the best course of action. My astrology mentor has also suggested "re-structuring", which actually came at a good time considering Venus retrograde so I can do both at once. Re-structuring my calendar, my closet, and my work as well as a few of my relationships is an excellent thing for me right now, and I am proceeding ahead doing just that. On days when that strategy does not appear to be working, I think of the unicorn, and how great it would be to have such a creature of goodness and light charge forward jam its horn straight up Saturn's bony ass.

I don't envy you, sir. You have the ultimate job of herding cats, and my hat is off to you for even making the attempt. But I sincerely hope you enjoy the rest of your season, even though it is waning now. I look forward to hearing from you again soon!



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