Monday, August 10, 2015

Mercury and Mars: Mixed Messages

Mars: Dude, I need your help. Thank the gods you're not in retrograde right now. 

Mercury: What's up?

Mars: The Sun said I had to apologize to John about the other day at the meeting.

Mercury: Yeah, and for once I kept my mouth shut. Who would have thought?

Mars: I KNOW, RIGHT? But I'm seriously fucked if I don't send John an apology. 

Mercury: Well, you are his Sun's ruling planet.

Mars: Yeah, I get that. Which is why I'm here. 

Mercury: OK then. Let's get started. Why don't you tell me what you would say if John was here, and then we'll try to come up with something appropriate?

Mars: You're the boss. [clears throat] "Dear John..." Oh shit, do I want to start that way?

Mercury: He's been named John his whole life, and likely he's had a few letters that began with "Dear John", so I think you're probably OK there. 

Mars: Truth. [Pauses] "Dear John, I am so fucked right now."

Mercury: Ummm, I think we're starting off on the wrong foot.

Mars: Well, it's the truth, dude. 

Mercury: I know that. But if you start off talking about your problems, any apology you give after that is going to seem mediocre at best, and self-serving at worst. 

Mars: [Pause] that a "no"?

Mercury: [rolls eyes] For your purposes, Mars, yes. 

Mars: Fuck! I think that's all I had. 

Mercury: That's...not a lot. 

Mars: Well shit, dude, why the fuck do you think I came here? You don't think I'd go to Saturn, do you?

Mercury: Of course not, because he'd quote you passages from Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

Mars: Wow. I didn't know Saturn was into porn, but I always suspected it was goats and shit...

Mercury: Never mind. Forget the goat porn! What do you feel? That's where this letter has to come from. 

Mars: That's more Venus' territory than mine, Merc. But generally speaking, I'm pissed off. 

Mercury: Imagine. And why are you pissed off?

Mars: Because the Sun is angry with me. 

Mercury: Go on. Why is the Sun angry with you?

Mars: Because I lost my shit in the meeting. 

Mercury: And that caused what to happen?

Mars: [light bulb goes off] That caused us not to decide on John's present for his anniversary. 

Mercury: Now we're getting somewhere.

Mars: And that part is kind of disappointing. 

Mercury: Excellent. And in whom are you disappointed?

Mars: [pauses] Myself?

Mercury: BINGO. So how about "Dear John, I'm really disappointed in the way I acted the other day."

Mars: Jupiter was right. You are good at this shit. 

Mercury: Thank you, sir. 

Mars: I think I'm on the right track now, writer dude. I think I can take it from here. 

Mercury: [surprised] Are you...sure?

Mars: Yup. John's one of my people, and I'll make sure he gets the message. 

Mercury: OK, Mars. If you're completely certain. 

Mars: Thanks man. I'm outtie. Gotta write tonight!

[closes door]

Mercury: I think I had better do some writing tonight, too, because there is no fucking way that neanderthal is going to make this right. 

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