Mercury: What's up?
Mars: The Sun said I had to apologize to John about the other day at the meeting.
Mercury: Yeah, and for once I kept my mouth shut. Who would have thought?
Mars: I KNOW, RIGHT? But I'm seriously fucked if I don't send John an apology.
Mercury: Well, you are his Sun's ruling planet.
Mars: Yeah, I get that. Which is why I'm here.
Mercury: OK then. Let's get started. Why don't you tell me what you would say if John was here, and then we'll try to come up with something appropriate?
Mars: You're the boss. [clears throat] "Dear John..." Oh shit, do I want to start that way?
Mercury: He's been named John his whole life, and likely he's had a few letters that began with "Dear John", so I think you're probably OK there.
Mars: Truth. [Pauses] "Dear John, I am so fucked right now."
Mercury: Ummm, I think we're starting off on the wrong foot.
Mars: Well, it's the truth, dude.
Mercury: I know that. But if you start off talking about your problems, any apology you give after that is going to seem mediocre at best, and self-serving at worst.
Mars: [Pause] Ummm...is that a "no"?
Mercury: [rolls eyes] For your purposes, Mars, yes.
Mars: Fuck! I think that's all I had.
Mercury: That's...not a lot.
Mars: Well shit, dude, why the fuck do you think I came here? You don't think I'd go to Saturn, do you?
Mercury: Of course not, because he'd quote you passages from Strunk and White's Elements of Style.
Mars: Wow. I didn't know Saturn was into porn, but I always suspected it was goats and shit...
Mercury: Never mind. Forget the goat porn! What do you feel? That's where this letter has to come from.
Mars: That's more Venus' territory than mine, Merc. But generally speaking, I'm pissed off.
Mercury: Imagine. And why are you pissed off?
Mars: Because the Sun is angry with me.
Mercury: Go on. Why is the Sun angry with you?
Mars: Because I lost my shit in the meeting.
Mercury: And that caused what to happen?
Mars: [light bulb goes off] That caused us not to decide on John's present for his anniversary.
Mercury: Now we're getting somewhere.
Mars: And that part is kind of disappointing.
Mercury: Excellent. And in whom are you disappointed?
Mars: [pauses] Myself?
Mercury: BINGO. So how about "Dear John, I'm really disappointed in the way I acted the other day."
Mars: Jupiter was right. You are good at this shit.
Mercury: Thank you, sir.
Mars: I think I'm on the right track now, writer dude. I think I can take it from here.
Mercury: [surprised] Are you...sure?
Mars: Yup. John's one of my people, and I'll make sure he gets the message.
Mercury: OK, Mars. If you're completely certain.
Mars: Thanks man. I'm outtie. Gotta write tonight!
[closes door]
Mercury: I think I had better do some writing tonight, too, because there is no fucking way that neanderthal is going to make this right.
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