Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Merciless Marauding Mars Mightily Mashed

Moon: The Sun will see you now, Mars.

Mars: Thank you, ma'am. You're looking especially sexy today!

Moon: [looks up] You don't want to keep the Sun waiting, Mars. [sad smile]

Mars: Yes, ma'am. [walks into the Sun's office]

Sun: Mars, I'll be with you in a moment.

Mars: No warm smile for me today, sir? [grins]

Sun: Shut the door, please, Mars.

[Mars closes the door and goes to sit down]

Sun: [quietly] Did I tell you to take a seat, Mars?

Mars: [straightens up] I guess not, sir. [chuckles]

Sun: Mars, I am deliberately trying to be calm right now. And what I have to say is not going to make you laugh or smile, so stop trying to make light of your situation.

Mars: Excuse me, sir?

Sun: You heard me, Mars. [pauses] Do you have any fucking idea what you've done?

Mars: Well, if we're talking about the meeting from the other day, I'll admit that I was pretty pissed off.

Sun: Yeah...well, we figured that out, you idiotic twat. You pretty much pissed off everyone at that meeting, and on top of it all, you made me look like a fool. Normally I don't care, and didn't mind accepting a little help from Venus, who, in spite of her retrograde, made all of us look like idiots. I'm at least mature enough to accept her help with some grace instead of acting like some pubescent boy on a goddamn ego trip.

Mars: Wait...are you trying to say it was my fault?

Sun: Oh FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! OF COURSE IT WAS! Who else should I blame?!? Jupiter??

Mars: Well he did start it...

Sun: He at least knew when to stop talking. That's not a quality you possess. You don't have ANY idea how much hurt you caused!

Mars: Yeah, I kinda did hurt some people, I guess. [pauses] Sorry.

Sun: Oh you have a lot more planets to apologize to than that, young man. And you don't sound that sorry.

Mars: 'Cause I was attacked! And I responded in kind because I don't back down from a battle.

Sun: So let me get this straight...you feel like Lady Moon somehow attacked you?

Mars: Well, she was piling on, sir.

Sun: She was telling you to stop hurting people and you lashed out at her. There was no reason for you to do that, except pure rage. And she was coming toward the full Blue Moon. You KNOW what she's like then, you blithering fuckwad! She's my favorite astrological planet and you slammed her in front of the whole group for no reason! Not only was she extremely hurt, but she hasn't been able to get much done since then because she's worried it was her fault, when of course it wasn't.

Mars: She doesn't have to worry anymore, sir. I was angry then and I'm not anymore. So I'll apologize to her and then we're good, right?

Sun: You're kidding, right, Mars? [pauses] You really made me seethingly angry. The Moon is the only reason why I am not screaming in your face right now, because I promised her I wouldn't. Even though you really wounded her for no fucking reason, she still is sticking up for you.

Mars: Wow. That's...really sweet.

Sun: Yeah, it is. And it's a damn sight better than you fucking deserve. So yes, you are going to apologize to her, and you damn well better make it good.

Mars: OK. I will.

Sun: I've been trying all week to get in touch with Pluto and he hasn't answered my calls. You couldn't resist taking a shot at his size, could you, you piece of shit? You had to go THERE. We don't see him much and he doesn't talk much in meetings, so you and Jupiter had to make snide comments. Neither one of you could shut the fuck up; as such, I suspect Pluto went Scorpio nuclear after he left here. Now I'm going to have to beg him to come back...actually, I take that back. I won't have to do it. YOU will do it.

Mars: That's not really my job, sir.

Sun: It motherfucking is now, Mars. You fucked all this up, and you are going to fix it.

Mars: How?

Sun: I don't really know, but that's not my problem. If Pluto's not here for the next meeting with a smile, I blame you. My only advice is that if you're calling someone a name, likely that's not a way to win friends and influence people. Get it? Or do I have to pound it again into that Neanderthal pea-brain of yours?

Mars: I think so, sir.

Sun: Excellent. Once Venus returns from her retrograde, then you can try to make amends with her. Good luck seeing her naked ever again. I calmed her down and sent her on her way but she was mightily vexed when she left here. I haven't had to say "for fuck's sake" that often since I saw the coverage of the how the NFL is punishing the Patriots and Tom Brady with no real evidence. I had to turn that shit off.

Mars: Brady had it coming, sir. Great competitor and all but if you mess with the integrity of the game...

Sun: I don't recall asking you to speak, Mr. Warmonger. [pause] And finally, did you forget that you are the classical ruler of John's sign? How would he feel to know that one of his planetary rulers deliberately torpedoed a meeting during which we would discuss an appropriate gift for him on a big anniversary?

Mars: Oh shit, I forgot about that. Fuck me. I guess I should apologize to him, too, right?

Sun: You have a large list of things to do before I consider us square, Mars. You will fix ALL of these relationships or you will pay the price.

Mars: Playing devil's advocate, let's just pretend I decide not to do what you say. What's the "price"? Bottom line it for me, sir.

Sun: You don't know when to shut the fuck up, Mars. But because you're like a fucking teenager with a raging hard on, I will tell you. A small portion of the price is allowing Lady Venus to lead our meetings for a year. How would that make you feel?

Mars: [face starts to redden] You have got to be fucking kidding me, man. Seriously. You would do that? You have NEVER let me lead a meeting. You so would not do that, right?

Sun: Yes, I would do that and a whole lot more, you bully. Perhaps you know how serious I am now, young man?

Mars: [contrite] Yes, sir.

Sun: And you will fix everything as soon as possible, right?

Mars: Yes, I will, sir.

Sun: Good. Because if you don't you'll have a lot more to worry about than getting your dong stroked. You're dismissed.

Mars: Sir. [straightens up, opens door and leaves]

Moon: [leaning into the Sun's office smirking] Was that as fun as it sounded, sir?

Sun: I'm ashamed to admit how fun it was. And you know not to call me 'sir' when we're alone.

Moon: I know, but after a display of authority like that, well...it seemed appropriate.

Sun: Well, that sonofabitch had better get his shit together or I will seriously put a hurting on him. Going off on people is emotionally draining, you know?!?

Moon: Yes, sir. I know. I've taken the liberty of canceling your appointments for the rest of the day. Jupiter sent over a bottle of Neptune's favorite hooch. I advise a little liquor and a little R&R, applied liberally.

Sun: You know I don't drink alone, Lady. Log out of your workstation and send the phones to voicemail. That's an order [smiling].

Moon: Your wish is my command, sir.

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