Sun: OK people, let's get started. Lady Moon, it's great to have you back. And is that a new hairstyle?
Moon: Thank you, sir. It was a rough Christmas, but I'm feeling great in Leo today. And no, it's not a new style, but it's the one I've always looked best in. Lady Venus introduced me to her stylist who knew exactly what I wanted. [Pause] We're all present, sir, with the exception of Mercury and Jupiter. They're both retrograde right now, as you know, so them showing up anyplace predictable is rather...unpredictable.
Sun: Thanks, Lady. Luckily the east coast of the United States has been crippled by a blizzard, which means that it will insulate them from many of the standard Mercury problems when people are going someplace. Any word on power outages, Uranus?
Uranus: Power outages were minimal at best, sir. We've noticed an uptick in the amount of pictures and generalized activity on social media. People have lots of time on their hands when they're not digging out.
Sun: Excellent. Hopefully I'll be able to help melt some of that pesky snow. We'll see, I guess.
Mars: We'll see who's been going to the gym, right? Shoveling snow is nothing. It's these soft humans who have difficulty moving frozen water from one place to another. For many people it's more of a workout than they've had since the last storm, am I right?
Venus: Mars, not everyone is built like you are. There were several fatalities of people shoveling snow.
Mars: Well, they could be if they put down the Duck Donuts and the beers and got outside more! Seriously! All you need is a fitness and nutrition plan...
Saturn: Are we on that healthy kick again, Mars? Really? Humans don't really care about physical activity and those few who do look like oddballs among the glucose-addicted. So please give it up.
Mars: Sorry, Old Man...we all have our things, am I right?
Sun: Folks, I'm sorry to break up the witty repartee, but is this snowstorm going to keep our intrepid blogger John from heading for astrology college this weekend? He's got a weekend workshop coming up on Friday.
Saturn: And the Midwest School of Astrology is a Saturn-friendly place, so we want to be absolutely sure he makes it.
Mars: No ego trip there or anything. HAHAHAHA!
Saturn: Young man, they don't like you a lot in some corners, but I'll take every opportunity for the good press.
Mars: I've been around longer than you, pal. You are who you are!
Sun: That will do, gentlemen. Can I get an actual answer?
Pluto: No, sir. No problems to speak of.
Sun: And his car is dug out?
Pluto: Yes it is. Anything that's buried is typically my purview, so I took the opportunity to check. He's mobile, sir.
Sun: Excellent. Does he have anyplace to go tomorrow?
Pluto: Negative, sir. He's at home tomorrow.
Venus: Hopefully he's spending some well-deserved time with that lovely wife of his and working on his Erin Condren planner. But I have one report that he's working on some new music playlists...it's a long drive to Cincinnati and he's going alone.
Saturn: I hope some of Duncan Sheik's music makes it on there. It always makes me feel better...
Neptune: Oh, Saturn...you're so funny. That music is so depressing. [PAUSE] Of course, I'm talking to YOU, so...
Saturn: Right, I think you've all made your point. I believe I will withdraw. [gets up to leave]
Sun: Saturn, walk out that door and I will write you up under the astrological code of conduct under "dereliction of duty". [Saturn returns to his seat and sits down] I can't remember when things have been this fractious in meetings, but I'm getting sick of it. It's like some of you planets live to antagonize each other, and I don't get it at all. [PAUSE] Lady Moon, was there anything we missed?
Moon: Nope. I think that takes care of our agenda items.
Sun: Excellent. Make sure everyone gets a copy of the meeting notes. Saturn, you are now excused. [Saturn gets up and leaves] As for the rest of you, as funny as it sometimes is to make fun of each other, we have a really hard time getting anything done. Since Saturn is normally the target, you need to leave him alone. I know he's an old stick in the mud, old fashioned, and a curmudgeon...the gods know how well I know it. But it's not fair to him to gang up on him in meetings, even if he acts like kind of an asshole. [PAUSE] I want reports on John's trip early next week. We're adjourned.