Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Jupiter, Uranus, and the State of the Art (SOTA) Conference

Uranus: [whispering] Now I'm the one who has to do this crap? I thought the outer planets got left alone!

Jupiter: [whispering back] Urnie, just shut up and let's get this over with!

Uranus: Hello, everyone! I'm here under duress, and I rebel against this useless marketing ploy!

Jupiter: HA HA! What my generational friend would like to say is that he's thrilled and proud to be here as we talk about John's upcoming appearance at the State of the Art (SOTA) astrology conference next month and why you should come join us.

Uranus: Wait...you never said it was called "State of the Art"! That's me to a "T"! You know...cutting edge! New age shit!

Jupiter: Well, what did you think SOTA stood for?

Uranus: I thought it was a carbonated drink we were promoting!

Jupiter: Oh for fuck's sake! No, dude, we're promoting an astrology conference! You know, the one John's speaking at next month in Buffalo!

Uranus: Oh yeah! Well, that makes me a lot more excited. But I thought we should change the format up a little bit; we've been doing things the same way around here for too long.

Jupiter: Urnie, I understand your impulses and all, but my job is marketing and publishing. John has his own style that we probably shouldn't mess with.

Uranus: It's too late! How about we do a Talk Like a Pirate Day theme? "Yarrrr, shiver me timbers, and raise all the sails as we make way for Buffalo across the cold, hungry ocean! Move it, ye landlubbers or you're headin' to Davy Jone's locker! Yarrrrrr!"

Jupiter: As I recall that's a lake, not the ocean. 

Uranus: Fine. How about something a little more formal then? "Esteemed astrologers from all over the eastern United States and Canada will be joining John in cosmopolitan Buffalo as they discuss the most riveting metaphysical topics of the day!"

Jupiter: Dude, John's going to be so pissed...

Uranus: No? John should like the Boston-accented version then! "In late Octobah while the Sox ah winnin' the pennant, if you don't have tickets to Fenway Pahk you oughta get to Logan and fly outta theyah to Buffalo! And the Bills SUCK! In Belichick We Trust!"

Jupiter: It's sort of mid-October, Uranus. The 19th through the 23rd. We want people to know so they'll sign up, so make sure to give them the link. Are you even listening to me anymore?

Uranus: Nope...because I've got the perfect one!

Jupiter: Oh shit. Do I even want to know?

Uranus: The Old Man!

Jupiter: [smiling] OK, now this one I can get behind.

Uranus: Turn on the music! [Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background; slow and steady news anchor delivery] "Metaphysics is, and always will be, a Saturnian subject. Are you giving enough time to your astrology, tarot, or other metaphysical studies? Let's not fool ourselves; I'm sure you're not. I entreat you respectfully to consecrate four days to Jessica Lanyadoo's or Ellen Bourn's study of yours truly. There may be some other less important topics on offer, but unless you attend, you will not understand the dignity and majesty of astrology. Miss it, and you will be depressed. Mark my words well, on behalf of the seven planets that we once were and hopefully will be again."

Jupiter: [laughing hard] DUDE THAT WAS AWESOME! And who's that Lanyadoo lady? And Ellen Bourn?

Uranus: Jessica and Ellen are both giving presentations on Saturn. Personally, I'm planning to pop in for Donna van Toen's lectures on yours truly.

Jupiter: Wow. Well, it looks like our work here is done!

Uranus: Wait! What's John doing?

Jupiter: Some lunch lecture on Sunday. 

Uranus: Don't care. It's LIBERATION TIME! Exit...stage left! [runs off]

Jupiter: That bastard really does break everything he touches. 

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