Saturn vs. Pluto: Conjunction Debrief

Moon: Sol, Saturn and Pluto are here. 

Sun: Excellent, Luna. Please send them in. 

[Luna leads Saturn and Pluto into the office and closes the door behind them]

Saturn: Good afternoon, sir. You sent for us?

Sun: Yes I did, Saturn. Hi Pluto!

Pluto: [nods] Boss. 

Sun: Have a seat. 

[Saturn and Pluto sit]

Sun: So you two recently came together for your meeting, which happens once every 37 years. How do you feel like it went?

[Saturn and Pluto glance at each other]

Sun: Saturn, maybe you could start. 

Saturn: Well, astrologers make a huge deal out of this meeting and I understand why they do. Conjunctions happen every day but this one is significant. It has a lot of...import. 

Sun: And did you feel like it did this year?

Saturn: Certainly. The reports I've received so far talk about life-changing events happening. And that's to be expected. When was the last time it happened, Pluto? 1982?

Pluto: [nods] Yeah. 

Sun: And people are asking themselves about where they were then and what was going on, looking for parallels. You're weighty enough on your own, Old Man, but adding Pluto to the mix makes things a lot more serious.

Saturn: Correct, sir. 37 years is a lot of ground to cover. And as much as I question the function and validity of the outer planets as sign rulers, I have never doubted the power of Pluto. I've seen it often in the short time he's been with us. 

Sun: Pluto, feel free to jump in anytime. 

Pluto: Sure, boss. 

Saturn: We're giving people a very strong message, sir: Get it together or we'll help you do that in a more...forceful manner.

Sun: And what are people required to get together, Saturn?

Saturn: Any area that is in chaos, sir. Relationship, job, family, spiritual life, health. Pick one. I'll make sure to help folks get it structured once anything unnecessary is...

[Saturn pauses]

Pluto: Come on, Old Man. You're even slower than me today. Just fucking say it.

Saturn: [frowns] Once Pluto...obliterates anything that a person no longer needs, sir. 

Pluto: Now that's what I'm talking about! There is nothing as satisfying as destruction! Maybe decimating your enemies but...

Sun: I see. So...annihilation is on the menu?

Pluto: That's what you pay me the big bucks to do, boss. 

Sun: [Nods] Do you see how people could be unsettled by this turn of events, gentlemen?

Saturn: I understand completely, sir. The two of us together is a potent combination.

Pluto: That's an understatement, Saturn. If Mars was here, he'd probably say something like, "You motherfuckers are the one-two punch that people need!"

Saturn: [smirks] I don't want to find that amusing, but...

Pluto: Admit it, Old Man. You do a little. I won't tell anyone. I find that dumb jock incredibly funny when he's not an insulting blunt tool. Admittedly he is an insulting tool most of the time!

Sun: We're getting off topic, gentlemen. [Pause] Did you both feel like you did what you were supposed to do as you came together?

[Saturn and Pluto look at each other]

Saturn: Yes, sir. 

Pluto: Sure, boss. 

Sun: Good. I'm glad to hear it. It's good for us to debrief when these significant interactions occur. I also like to ask if there's anything else that I could have done to make your work easier. 

Saturn: No, sir. 

Pluto: I don't suppose you can stop people from freaking out about change? 

Sun: Unfortunately, Pluto, that is not in my power. Human beings generally avoid change so all we can do is nudge them along that path. 

Pluto: Until I come along and rock their fucking world, you mean. 

Saturn: Some things never change, Pluto. And you wouldn't be doing your work otherwise. It's job security. 

Sun: For what it's worth, I agree with you, Saturn. 

Pluto: What the fuck ever. Are we done, sir?

Sun: Sure, Pluto. See you at the next meeting. 

[Pluto nods, gets up and leaves the room]

Saturn: You know...anything said in here stays in here, sir, right?

Sun: Of course. 

Saturn: That little destroyer may be starting to grow on me a little. 

Sun: You two are more alike than you think, but I know how you are and it takes a while for you to come around. 

[buzz on intercom]

Sun: Yes, Luna?

Moon: Mercury is here with January's reports, sir. 

Sun: Anything else, Old Man?

Saturn: [gets up] Business is business, sir.

Book Review: Venus and Saturn present "Astrology for Real Relationships" by Jessica Lanyadoo

Venus: Hello, everyone, and welcome to a very special entry today. My colleague Saturn and I are here to talk about a wonderful new book by astrologer Jessica Lanyadoo that came out less than a week ago!

Saturn: [nods] Let me say before we begin that Ms. Lanyadoo is a triple Capricorn--her Sun, Moon and rising signs all resonate with my energy. And this book is a perfect example of what I stand for, but I'll discuss that more later. Please go on, Venus. 

Venus: My thanks, Ancient One. Astrology for Real Relationships is an outstanding collection of information for anyone interested in improving their rapport with anyone, whether they are family, friends, or romantic partners. Of course, with that title, I was very interested in reading it!

Saturn: Speaking personally, I was a big fan of the entire style of this book. It is clear and simple, yet insightful, and its very structure makes me feel comfortable. There was never a question of where to find information, and the work never tried to be something that it was not; in other words, it did not engage in hyperbole.

Venus: And did you see the cover? It's totally adorable! The pastel colors are attractive and alluring, but not jarring to the eye. It draws you right in and makes you feel comfortable. 

Saturn: I felt that the descriptions of the functions of each planet were brief and appropriate for the audience. When people talk astrology sometimes they get overly complicated to impress the reader or make the discipline sound mysterious. True to her Saturnian nature, Ms. Lanyadoo's work is efficient and effective. I knew what to expect every step of the way, and what I also found convenient was that the planetary descriptions figured at the beginning of a number of the chapters so you wouldn't have to go hunting for them.

Venus: Excellent analysis. What did you think of how she described you, Saturn?

Saturn: Well, I was a little bit embarrassed, actually..."sexy meanness" was not a phrase I expected. But I did like the way Ms. Lanyadoo discussed the long-term nature of Saturn folks. Relationships are best when handled in a mature, controlled way. For a person who resonates so well with me, she must also resonate with you, too, Venus, because she really let her creativity shine here. 

Venus: I would agree, dear colleague! I enjoyed the distinction she made with the different types of relationships. One size definitely does not fit all! And Jessica definitely discussed how to work with each of us equally; she didn't give our outer sign colleagues less effort or treatment. It was a true tribute to equality, both in terms of planets and all types of relationships. No one reading this book will feel left out. 

Saturn: In short, Astrology for Real Relationships is an excellent first step for those who want to understand the dynamics of how we function, and no previous experience with astrology is required. While happiness is not an emotion for which I am usually known, it became obvious to me that Ms. Lanyadoo represented Saturn people very well through her consistent hard work, and I share her well-deserved pride at the arrival of this book to the marketplace.

Venus: Wow, Saturn! That's about as close to effusive praise as I've ever heard from you. 

Saturn: Hard work pays off, Venus. It's as simple as that.

Venus: Well, I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that Jessica's book is out and available. I looked forward to reading it for a long time! I'm sure it will help many people navigate relationships without extensive astrology knowledge prior to reading. Hopefully it will attract many interested folks and enjoy huge commercial success! If you don't have one, click here for your copy! Remember that the best compliment you can give your author is buying their book, and then reviewing it! [WINK] See you again soon!

Saturn: Before we end, Venus, I did have one question. 

Venus: With pleasure, Ancient One. What is it?

Saturn: [frown] I highly recommend this book, but found a particular concept that confused me on page 94. Ms. Lanyadoo referred to her rules for not knowing a binch. 

Venus: Well, Saturn...I'm not sure it's something we should get into right now...

Saturn: You see, I think of myself as rather limited lexically speaking...but I wasn't sure if I knew one since the word was new to me. It sounded like something Mars might say, or Jupiter in his jocular, plebeian vernacular. So, do you know if I know a binch? Is it a problem if I know or don't know one?

Venus: Oh Saturn...[smiles]. We should probably go somewhere and talk about that. Tootles everyone!

Astrology for Real Relationships: Understanding You, Me, and How We All Get Along, by Jessica Lanyadoo and T. Greenaway. Published by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of Random House. $17.99 at Amazon.com. ISBN 978-1-9848-5624-1.

Opportunities to Excel in 2020: Three Ideas to Ponder

Greetings good people! Another end of the year is upon us.

I don't know about you, but I'm glad to see 2019 leave. It's been a challenging year for me in many ways. But it's too easy to say "Good riddance!" and stop there. 

Honestly, 2020 will give us what we need: Opportunities to excel. So how can you exceed your expectations in 2020? Here are three ideas for your consideration. 

1) Lead from where you stand

Most people hear this and think, "That sounds like it's for work." You're not wrong; the idea of being a leader in what you do no matter what your title may dictate is not new in the realm of employment. But it's greater than that. It's a reminder that you need to lead your own life. 

Blaming others is the easy way out, and so is playing the victim or procrastinating. We all live with our own choices, folks, and we have all had to deal with unexpected conditions that crop up and seem to mess everything up. 

Life is full of difficult situations, dilemmas and decisions. In 2020, decide to own it all: your decisions, your opinions, your thoughts, and most importantly, your actions or the lack thereof. If you've been putting things off out of fear, face them head on.

For me, there will be a greater focus on leadership and on helping others to lead from where they stand. I've taught some amazing students over the past year and I hope to have more of them in the year to come. Helping others helps you and is an investment in your future, and when you light another candle, you are a leader. 

I'll leave you with this important fact from a dear friend: When you are helping someone, you are supporting them until they can get to a place where they can help themselves. Do that wherever you can and you show leadership. 

2) Embrace hope

Many of us have experienced hardship in the past year: Divorce, financial difficulties, aging parents, medical problems that require lifestyle changes, and the loss of people or companion animals are just a few of them. 

What's more is that this world is screwed up in many ways, and we receive constant reminders. We hear about things that have gone wrong constantly. Our current political climate only seems to make things worse as it features so much in our headlines. It seems like an escape from it is more necessary now than ever. 

So how do you handle all this without becoming overwhelmed? Embrace hope. Believe that the world can be a better place. Accept that you have control only over your very small corner of the world, but by improving your own little portion, you have a positive impact. Even an optimistic attitude can help. 

Some days it's very challenging to look through what many might call rose-colored glasses. But I see the good in people every day, and it's a practice from which we can all benefit, I suspect. 

And believe me, the world is a much better place with you in it. Please reach out for help if you feel that you've lost all hope. As I recently said to a friend, I've done too many hospital visits in the past year, and I don't want to write your eulogy.

3) Learn to speak in public in spite of fear

73% of Americans are afraid of speaking in public. No, I'm not joking...this is the #1 fear of so many adults. The statistics I saw say that both death and loneliness are in the top ten fears, but presenting to others tops them all.

I've been teaching public speaking for a number of years so when I say I get it, I really do. No one wants to mess up, and no one wants to make an idiot out of themselves in front of their friends, colleagues, and bosses.

I used to fear speaking in public and also performing in public as a musician. Hell, I used to fear talking on the telephone! But after a less than stellar musical performance where nerves got the better of me, I decided this fear was not going to hold me back. 

So I put myself into positions deliberately where I would have to speak and it has paid off. It's given me more confidence in front of groups and in one-on-one conversations like job interviews, and I found to my incredible surprise that I really enjoy it, too. The nervous energy is there but I've learned to harness it and make it work for me. 

My challenge for you this year is to give it a try. Start small: Present an idea at a meeting at work. Speak at your house of worship or a local community group. Share your ideas with others at a conference. Hustle up to the microphone at your town meeting. It doesn't have to last a long time, but it's important to face that fear. 

Chances are you won't "enjoy" public speaking. But it can help you a lot if you're willing to give it a shot.

If you find yourself wanting to learn to present, I'm taking new mentees this year and would love to hear from you. Recently I helped a young lady prepare for job interviews, and I enjoyed the experience so much that I'd love to do more of that work, no matter what your public speaking goal may be. 

No matter what you do with 2020, I hope you will choose to lead from where you stand, embrace hope, and get out there and speak your truth. I look forward to witnessing your progress. 

Welcoming The Solstice...and a New Teammate!

The Centaur Chiron Instructing Achilles by Louis Jean

[at a local Brazilian steakhouse]

Sun: Welcome, everyone! I’m so glad you could join us for this Solstice celebration! And it’s a great day for me as I have the least amount of work to do. 

[dutiful laughter around the table]

Mars: Dude, where’s the meat? You promised!

Venus: [to Mars] Umm, manners?

Mars: Fine! [to the Sun] Sir, my bad, but I’m fuckin’ starving!

Sun: [chuckles] It’s OK, Mars. I’m hungry, too. [pause] I just wanted to take a moment to recognize all of your hard work this year. Thank you very much. 

Moon: Agreed. The meal tonight comes from this year’s swearing fund, with the vast majority coming from our potty-mouthed leader. 

Sun: [shocked] LUNA! Really?

[genuine laughter from everyone]

Moon: Yes, sir. Really. [to all] So please eat your fill and enjoy!

Jupiter: And the drinks are on you, right, Nep?

Neptune: Well, I was hoping someone else would pay, but I wouldn't say no to an adult beverage or seven.

Jupiter: [laughs] What else is new?

Sun: That’s an excellent question, Jupiter. Speaking of new things, I have one other important announcement to make. 

Mercury: Sir, does it have anything to do with the empty chair over here?

Sun: Very astute of you, Mercury, as usual. Indeed it does. I’ve asked a special guest to join us tonight. 

[Chiron walks through the door and sits down]

Sun: Everyone, this is Chiron. We’ve been hearing about him for the past few years and I've asked him to join our team. 

Moon: Please be sure to give him a warm welcome!

Sun: He’s been getting a lot more play in the astrological world even though he’s fairly new to it. I don’t want to steal his thunder, though. [gestures to Chiron] Would you like to say a few words?

Chiron: Thank you, sir. [pause] I’m grateful for your invitation to this amazing event and appreciate you welcoming me to your celebration. I’m hoping to contribute an outsider’s perspective on the team and make even more efficient and effective. 

[heads nodding in approval]

Saturn: Sir, I welcome our new teammate with all sincerity, but I’m surprised that we weren’t consulted, at least as a courtesy. 

Sun: I understand, Saturn, and I take full responsibility for this leadership decision.

Jupiter: Come on, Old Man! Expansion can be a good thing!

Saturn: That remains to be seen, and I’m skeptical by nature. 

Venus: I’m very pleased to meet you, Chiron, and look forward to getting to know you!

[Chiron nods]

Sun: You will have plenty to talk about over dinner, I’m sure. [looks up at the doorway] And I see the unending parade of meat I promised will now begin!

Mars: FUCK YEAH! Time for the MEAT SWEATS!

Pluto: Oh fuck me. [to Neptune] Which way is the bar?

Neptune: Out in the main area near the salad bar, I think. 

Pluto: Good. Let’s get to it. [aloud over the ambient noise in the room] Sir, are we on our own at the bar tonight?

Sun: Sadly, yes, Pluto. 

Pluto: [to Neptune] Fuck. We’ll have to go to plan B. 

Neptune: What is plan B?

Pluto: This is. [opens his hand and shows Saturn’s American Express card]

Neptune: [mouth agape] Dude, I don’t know how you did that, and I didn't think anyone actually uses American Express anymore. 

Pluto: Why? Do you care? Because I don't. 

Neptune: Well, sort of...it seems kind of selfish to make Saturn pay…maybe we can pay him back when we get our yearly bonuses or something?

Pluto: [hesitates] Uhhhh, sure, Nep. I’ll definitely talk to him about it when he gets his bill.

Mercury vs. Venus: Liar, Liar

Venus: Hi Mercury...did you see this blog the other day?

Mercury: Of course I did. What's the problem?

Venus: You mean other than Jupiter calling me a liar?

Mercury: Ah yes, I had briefly forgotten. My shadow period ends in two days, so I'm still a little retro-groggy. 

Venus: [gasps] Of all the things to forget...really!

Mercury: It happens, Venus. By your language I can tell you're upset. 

Venus: You're damn right I am!

Mercury: I don't see why. 

Venus: And pray tell me, King of All Information, why I shouldn't be upset. 

Mercury: Emotions are not my area, dear colleague, so I can't speak to that per se. But perhaps I could ask a question.

Venus: [exasperated] Sure. Why not?

Mercury: Did you ever consider that the information you convey to people is sometimes wholly inaccurate?

Venus: [mouth open] How dare you!

Mercury: I'm just presenting facts. You can choose to like them or not but that doesn't make them less truthful. Are you not a fan of truth?

Venus: I'm trying to make people more comfortable. Calling me a liar doesn't help anything!

Mercury: The information is what it is. Humans put the emotional spin on information, Venus.

Venus: But what Jupiter said really hurt my feelings and I'm sure it makes humans think less of me!

Mercury: Ah ha...now we're getting somewhere. So we've established that 1) your feelings were hurt and 2) you're concerned about your overall perception. 

Venus: I want people to be comfortable with me and like me. 

Mercury: Honestly, the data I have suggest you're the most liked of all the planets. 

Venus: Really? 

Mercury: No, of course not. You're in the top five for sure though. [smiles]

Venus: Mercury, why would you say that?

Mercury: How do you think Saturn felt when he found out that you misrepresented your conversation with Jupiter?

Venus: He was supposed to feel good! 

Mercury: Answer the question, please. 

Venus: [pause] He probably felt the same way I did.

Mercury: [nods] That's the conclusion I drew as well. 

Venus: Being truthful isn't my job!

Mercury: Wow. Very enlightening.  

Venus: I don't think this is fair at all!

Mercury: Fairness has nothing to do with it, Venus. So your job is to make people happy even if it's not the truth at all. That sounds like what I'm hearing. 

Venus: You're splitting hairs now. It might not be fully the truth but it's not really a lie! 

Mercury: I think we should agree to disagree, Venus. 

Venus: Oooooh! Next time I'll call Jupiter!

Mercury: A solid choice for perception management and getting your own story out there. I'd give Saturn a wide birth for a while, though.

Venus: Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious! [storms off]