Moon: Yes, sir. Mercury?
Mercury: Yeah, definitely, I mean, yeah. I'm here. Did you think I wouldn't be? Who said something?
Venus: Yes, Lady Moon.
Mars: Fuck yeah!
Jupiter: I'm physically present, but why are any of us really here?
Sun: No waxing philosophical, Jupiter, please. Thank you!
Saturn: Lady, I do not shrink from this responsibility; I welcome it!
Moon: [slight eyeroll] All present and accounted for, sir.
Sun: Thank you, Madame Moon. Please record in the minutes that this is a special session of classical planets only to address our current crisis.
Moon: I had a feeling you would tell me to do that, sir, so I went ahead and put it on tonight's printout.
Sun: Always a step ahead, Madame. I love that about you! [Moon blushes]. I've convened tonight's special session to discuss what's happening with a certain...shall we say, recurring situation, and Saturn, before you accuse the outer planets of shirking their responsibilities, I excused them from this meeting.
Saturn: Sir, they do have a tendency to go off on their own. Section 15, Paragraphs 2-6 of the Astrological Code of Conduct state that "All members will be present for mandatory meetings unless the member or members have requested their absence in writing no less than three (3) days after the time when the meeting is announced..."
Sun: Thank you, Saturn, but I don't think any of us need citations from the ACC right now. The point is that the crisis affects us more, so I've called in only those of us present now. [PAUSE] At this particular time, Mercury's retrograde is having an exceptionally negative impact on what's happening on earth. I'd like to hear from each of you in turn to share information you may have heard. Saturn, assuming you can limit yourself [chuckle] to about sixty seconds, I'd like you to go first.
Saturn: Yes, sir. There are widespread reports of the standard Mercury retrograde...ummm...
Mars: Dude, the term you want is "fuckery"!
Sun: That'll do, Mars. You were saying, Saturn...?
Saturn: Yes, lots of nonsense and tumult--flotsam and jetsam, if you will--this time around with Merc's retrograde. A lot of your standard effects but some are pretty severe and widespread. It's not a pretty picture at all. I'm trying to keep it reined in but to be honest, I'm not having much success at this time.
Sun: Jupiter, you're next.
Jupiter: Sir, we're trying to spread the message far and wide about the dangers of Mercury's retrograde period. Uranus and I discussed it and he told me tons of information is going up on social media to sensitize the people to the dangers. While the publishing world always goes into a tailspin at this time, the ideas are still getting out there.
Sun: Thanks, Jove. Mars?
Mars: Dude, what in the blue fuck is happening? This shit is for realzies. We have people shooting off their mouths, starting fights with other people, storming off and causing more havoc. I just moved into Gemini last week and some real shit went down when that happened. Since Mercury has control of me in Gemini, I feel like it's been one argument after another...and people are jumping to conclusions and then acting on that shit. I mean, really, who the fuck does that? There have been some really killer flounces, though!
Sun: Enlighten me, Mars. What's a "flounce"?
Mars: When someone gets upset and stalks off, either in person or on an Internet site, and has a pissy rant before s/he takes off. Totally awesome! Regretsy had a whole bunch of good flounces from overly emotional fucktards. [Looks at Venus]. Whoops! Sorry babe. That's all I have.
Sun: Learn something new every day. The "flounce", huh? Eloquent as usual, Mars. Venus?
Venus: Lots of hurt feelings and disappointment these days. I think people's expectations in a lot of areas are just not being met right now. Vacations are getting booked, cancelled, then re-booked, and then shortened...you give someone something to look forward to and then you take it away because of some manufactured emotional crisis? It's really heavy. I just feel bad for all of them. But people's feelings are definitely confused at the moment. I'm not looking forward to going retrograde myself in a few months.
Sun: Thanks, mighty Aphrodite. OK, Mercury, give it to us as straight as you can. Whiskey tango foxtrot is going on down there with you?
Mercury: Well, sir, as you may know, hahaha, I'm retrograding backward through Gemini, and uh, well, that's one of my favorite signs...but things are kinda unstable. Back and forth, back and forth, I can't seem to keep the energy flowing in one direction. It's annoying, I tell you. I can't stand all the...you know...what is that word again?
Mercury: Thanks, dude. Fuckery is the perfect word. And it doesn't help that I'm getting so much negative input from everyone here. And people on earth know what's up...no one knows what happens when any of the rest of you go retrograde but everyone blames me when I do.
Moon: That's terrible! They do the same thing to me during that time of the month, even when it's not my fault!
Mercury: Thanks, Lady...I try not to listen to the noise because everyone inflates all of their Mercury retrograde stories and problems, as if nothing ever fucks up unless I'm in retrograde. If I listen to it then I overthink it and then we really start to go downhill. I've got astrologers all over the world writing about me. This one blogger said one of his friends called me a "filthy whore"! That one single person is upset because the mighty Mercury has seen fit to take out all of all of her office equipment except for the one old piece of shit printer that she wants me to fry and I haven't done it...
Sun: Uh, Mercury, I think we're getting off track...
Mercury: But I have news for that bitch, let me tell you! Tell you what...I'm not killing that fucking printer until I'm GOD DAMNED GOOD AND READY TO DO IT! MARK MY WORDS THAT I WILL EXACT MY VENGEANCE! BITCH I KNOW IT ALL...YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS, AND YOUR CELL PHONE, SO I HOPE YOU LIKE WRONG NUMBERS BEEEYOTCH! THINK I'M A FILTHY WHORE NOW?? JUST WAIT!!
Sun: MERCURY! YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!
Mercury: Sorry, sir...I'm in Gemini so I pendulum swing. You know the old joke about the two Geminis?
Sun: Yes, we all know that joke, Mercury. Probably not the best time to tell it, though. I think we've heard enough from you for the time being. [PAUSE] Mercury's retrograde lasts until the 11th of June and his storm is probably out through the 16th or 17th. So we have tell folks to hunker down until then, people. Action items? Venus?
Venus: I'm going to see if I can get people to postpone overly emotional discussions until Merc is back to normal. Sorry, Mercury.
Mars: I'm gonna tell people to say the shit they normally wouldn't and get the aggression out of their systems! America fuck yeah! COWABUNGA DUDES!
Sun: Mars, I was looking for something more helpful...
Mars: Dude, that's all I've got.
Sun: [SIGH] Jupiter?
Jupiter: I'm just going to keep trying to get the word out about the positives of the retrograde and how not to get their proverbial asses kicked.
Sun: Sounds good. Old man Saturn, what say you?
Saturn: Sir, I'm going to encourage those in authority to beware of outbursts and try to have them tell their people to cool their mental and communicative apparatus at the moment. I'm also going to try to limit contact between people who may have expressed negative feelings toward each other in the past, at least until Mercury is in direct motion again.
Sun: Sounds like a good plan, Saturn. Any alibis? Mercury? Anything you would like to say before we adjourn?
Mercury: I totally get a bad rap, but then again, I'm the only one who can say I killed an AC unit in a doctor's office when it was 90 degrees outside...so maybe I deserve it a little...but I should probably shut up now.
Sun: Excellent idea, Merc. We're adjourned. Lady, please distribute the notes to all parties, send emails to the outer planets to bring them up to speed.
Moon: Yes, sir. Already in motion.
Sun: And Mercury, why don't you come with me to my office, since you love to talk?
Mercury: Well, fuck a doodle do.