Interview with Mercury, Part 1

John: Hi everyone…and I’m here today to continue my interviews with the astrological planets. I’m pleased to have with me the ultimate communicator of the astrological world, Mercury!

Mercury: Glad to be here, John. [cell phone buzzes and Mercury picks it up] My followers are going to love the press, too. [looks carefully at phone screen] Oh, that’s fantastic! [looks up] I suppose I better put this on do not disturb…

John: Actually, the Sun told me that part of the deal with these interviews was that I’d have your full attention for as long as I needed it. He was very emphatic about that point. 

Mercury: I guess that would depend on how you define “full”, right? [smiles]

John: Thankfully, we won’t have to split hairs, since I’m the one who has the power to decide if I am receiving your complete cooperation.

Mercury: I mean no disrespect to you, but, but unless it’s in writing… [shrugs shoulders and picks up his phone again]. Sorry.  

John: [frowns] I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this…at least not right away. [puts down iPad and selects a document from a manila folder] Take a look at this, Mercury. As the ruler of comprehension in the zodiac, I know the complicated legal jargon is not going to confuse you. [hands the document to Mercury]

Mercury: [scans document while holding phone in the other hand] Wow. It appears that you and the Sun dedicated an entire paragraph of this agreement to me. Fascinating. [pauses and returns the document to John] Are you planning to invoke the powers bestowed upon you in subsection C, paragraph 64?

John: [resolute] Unfortunately, I am.

Mercury: Please…I’ll put my phone down. We can work this out…I’m expecting a very important message. Please? Don’t cut me off from the outside world…there’s so much going on right now…

John: [stands and reads the document] Mercury, as stated in subsection C, paragraph 64, I read the following to invoke my powers listed herein: I, the interviewer, hereby require that you, the interview subject, relinquish any electronic devices on your person or in any pocket, bag, bodily orifice or other container in the interview subject’s possession…

Mercury: Damn!

John: [continues reading] …including but not limited to, any object that sends or receives an electronic, Bluetooth, radio or other digital signal. In case of any disputed object, the interviewer will have authority to seize any item he sees as a potential distraction.

Mercury: But what if I…

John: Mercury, let me finish, please. [resumes reading] The interviewer’s decision is final, and the subject will have no right to appeal. The interviewer will invoke these powers whenever necessary and will store each electronic object in a separate Faraday bag until the subject completes the interview to the satisfaction of the interviewer, regardless of duration. [pauses] Do you understand your responsibilities as I have read them to you?

Mercury: Well, shitfuck.

John: Does that expletive constitute your consent, Mercury? Are you prepared to comply? 

Mercury: Yes. [brightens] But you can’t possibly have enough Faraday bags for all my electronics, and then I would say you are not fulfilling your obligations. That would make the whole section null and void, so why don’t we just move on and I’ll do a better job keeping my phone out of sight, hmmm?

John: [opens a large box at his feet filled with Faraday bags of various sizes] I think you’ll find that I am fully prepared to exercise my authority to its fullest. [smiles] Please surrender the aforementioned objects. Place your backpack and all electronics on the table for appropriate packaging and storage.

[20 minutes later]

Mercury: I must admit I’m very impressed. Who would have thought to bring 25 Faraday bags, even one big enough to hold an iPad Pro?

John: Thankfully, I did. [places a large pile of filled bags in a second box and moves it to the wall behind him] And do you normally bring this much electronic paraphernalia with you wherever you go? [sits back down] You could start your own communications center with all this!

Mercury: Yes. I like to make sure I have access to whatever I need and that I never run out of power.

John: I can assure you that you don't need any of it right now. All I need is to talk to you, Mercury, which in theory shouldn't be challenging for the planet of communication, right? Or was I mistaken?

Mercury: [glowers] MEEE-OUCH. Aren't you supposed to be nice to me and build rapport to make an excellent interview? As I recall that is part of the deal. 

John: You lost that opportunity when I spent the last 20 minutes or so making sure that I had your full and undivided attention. However, you’ll receive all of your electronics when we’re finished. [pause] So why don’t you start by telling our readers what your job is.

Mercury: You poor boy. Sorry you're stuck with Saturn and Pluto. 

John: Since you know that, Mercury, you should already understand how wasting time makes me feel. As such, I respectfully repeat my request for you to answer my question, please. And I only repeat myself once.   

Mercury: You don't have to be rude, not that it bothers me. [pause] My main job is to communicate. When you try to get your message across, no matter how you do it, you’re dealing with me. I rule any activity that involves communication—language, words, translation, interpreting, verbal, non-verbal, no matter the medium.

John: [makes notes on iPad] So I’d say you’re pretty important in our everyday lives. Is that a fair statement?

Mercury: Not really. I think I’m more than “pretty important.” So, I’d go with “extremely important” or “of vital importance” if we’re being accurate. But I’m guessing I don’t get editing power over the content of this interview, do I?

John: [picks up the same document from earlier] Subsection C, paragraph 65 spells that out quite clearly. Do I need to read the appropriate citation?

Mercury: [holds up both hands] No, you really don’t. I believe you this time.

John: Great! Then we can press on. [checks iPad for notes] You’re one of the personal planets, so yes, you’re important. Most people know you’re in charge of communication, but could you tell us some other areas that people might not know about?

Mercury: I’m not just about the what of communication, either. I’m about how you actually do it. My sign and house can describe your entire communication style.

John: This is great information. What else?

Mercury: I rule logic and intelligent reasoning. When you’re sitting in front of a crossword puzzle trying to figure out which 11-letter word describes “a fear of open spaces” you’re working with me.

John: Excellent. Please continue.

Mercury: Also, comprehension is my area. When you’re learning something new, I will determine how quickly you pick it up and if and for how long you might retain it. So, you can add information capacity and retrieval to the extensive list of my job roles.

John: Information capacity and retrieval?

Mercury: Yes.

John: Sounds like a computer hard drive.

Mercury: My dear sir, it’s not like a computer hard drive; it is the ultimate hard drive, the one that’s in your head!

John: Mercury, I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re going to be without your electronics for even longer if you want to parse every sentence I say today.

Mercury: Considering that you have hardly a chance of intelligent conversation with any of my colleagues, I’d say you’re receiving a rare opportunity to engage in some verbal repartee with me. You should treasure it!