Saturday, April 14, 2012

M is for Mercury, Mastery, and...Masturbation

I know...the title probably got your attention today. Well, we will get down to masturbation in a moment. It will be better if it takes you longer to get there, so let's start with Mercury. I mean, come on, Mercury moves so fast you'll hardly notice.

A lot of you get a bad taste in your mouth with this planet because of the havoc it can wreak when it goes retrograde. Please understand how astrologically important Mercury is!

Mercury rules communication, commerce, active intelligence, and the realm of the mind, logic, and reason. It changes signs once every two to three weeks, and is never more than one sign away from the sun. What does that mean? It means that if you were born in Cancer sun, Mercury will either be in Gemini, Cancer, or Leo.

It rules two different signs: Gemini, who projects the energy of Mercury outward as the "radio broadcasters of the Zodiac", analyzing details constantly; and Virgo, who turns that energy inward for the improvement of the self and the desire to improve the world around them by synthesizing data into practical solutions.

Mercury's energy prompts us to question and fuels our need to know information. Its position in our birth chart shows how we best express ourselves and understand the world around us.

I won't go into detail here about Mercury retrograde, since I have plenty of other posts about that. With that said, did you know that with Mercury going into retrograde 3-4 times a year some folks can be born with Mercury retrograde? It may seem obvious but yes, some people are born with it going "backwards".

One of my astrology students asked me the question you are dying to know the answer to: "If you have Mercury retrograde in your chart, are you totally and completely FUCKED all the time?" Luckily, the answer is no. Mercury retrograde in your chart simply means you may have tons of ideas but your brain works more quickly than your mouth and that you have difficulty expressing them, among other things. And actually, for those of you in this situation, you get a cool bonus: Transiting Mercury retrogrades--the ones that occur 3-4 times a year--don't affect you as much because you're "used to it." It's like saying you can deal better with the humid summers in Washington, DC, because you grew up in Florida.

Mercury rules the following disciplines and occupations:
  • All professions dealing with books, speaking, writing and education (the only exception is publishing, which is actually ruled by Jupiter (expansion of ideas!). See my "J" post for more.)
  • Postal workers
  • Administrative personnel--secretaries, assistants, program managers, etc. 
  • Accountants
  • Engineers
  • Anyone in the travel business (airports, bus stations, etc.), including people who help get people to and from places locally, like bus, train, and trolley operators
  • Anyone who facilitates communications--IT people are ruled by both Uranus (networks and high tech) and Mercury

In the "mastery" category, I found out Thursday that I have attained the rank of Certified Tarot Master with the Tarot Certification Board of America. To receive it, not only did I have to train a certain number of people to read tarot, but I also had to submit 17 articles and have them published. No, not here on this blog...I had to have an "approved tarot publication" put them out. In my case, all my articles appeared in the American Tarot Association's Quarterly Journal.

Anyway, I'm totally thrilled, humbled and honored to receive this title. It took more than two years of work to get here from my last level, Certified Tarot Consultant. Now, after another year or so I can apply for Certified Tarot Instructor. And then it's on to Certified Tarot Grand Master. That's the ultimate prize.

OK, on to masturbation. When you first learned about Father Irish, you should have KNOWN that in an all-boys high school, masturbation was a topic that was going to be listed prominently on the Alphabet of Sin. Well, it certainly was. 

Father Irish boomed, "M is for MASTURBATION...OF ALL TYPES, brothers!" 

If you thought the class was out of control and disrespectful before now, well...that was nothing compared to what happened next. We just lost it laughing. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Those of us who weren't laughing were cheering or clapping or some combination thereof. I can't imagine what the other teachers in the area must have thought was going on.

My classmates' intellectual curiosity was...well, aroused. I guess we felt our collective intellectual erections needed to be satisfied, so the questions began. "Hey, Fatha, how many types ah theya?" "How would you know anything about that, Fatha?" If he was talking about mental masturbation as one of the "types", this class definitely fit the bill. 

I mean, I know he was looking out for our immortal souls, not wanting us to spill our seed upon the ground and all that nonsense. But seriously...I hope no other teacher or administrator knew he was going to say this. One of his colleagues could have at least taken him aside and said, "Hey, Father...mind if we talk to you for a moment? That 'Alphabet of Sin' thing is pretty crazy, and while it's exactly what we're all about in many respects...I don't know that it's good to condemn 'bopping the bishop' in such a direct way, especially when you're supposed to be teaching MATH to adolescent boys. Just sayin'."

Sadly, we never did find out what those other types were. It remains a mystery to this day. Father Irish just went on with the rest of the alphabet. 

There you go. I hope that was as fun for you as it was for me. But don't read it again for a little don't want to strain something. :)

Thanks so much for tuning in! Stop in on Monday for my "N" post.

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