Venus: Hello, Mars! Surprised to see me?
Mars: I am, Venus. [holds open the door] I'm surprised to see you here today!
Venus: I've been doing a lot of thinking, Mars. That always happens when I go retrograde. Could you move the basketball? I'd like to sit down...
Mars: Sure! [grabs ball and throws it in the corner] Yeah, I hear you. When I go retrograde I always feel like I'm...you know...
Venus: On your "man period"?
Mars: Well, I didn't want to say that, but yeah. Makes me feel like an asshole. Can't get anything done, my workouts suck, nothing tastes right, and my sex drive goes to hell. I'm not looking forward to March, I'll tell you that.
Venus: Mars...come on now. You didn't "want" to say something? That might almost pass as politeness.
Mars: The reason I don't do it more is because of shitty remarks like that last one.
Venus: I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. And that's one of the reasons I came today. I feel like last Valentine's Day I was in a very different place than I am now. Right after my retrograde, Valentine's Day just isn't the same.
Mars: I feel the same way. I was riding the bitter train last year and taking out my pissiness on you. That didn't help.
Venus: I wasn't an altogether good listener, either, as I recall. You asked me for compassion for so many people who may be alone and I didn't even know what to think. I guess...and I say this in the nicest way possible...I didn't expect you to have a heart.
Mars: Compassion is not the easiest thing in the world for me, mighty Aphrodite. But I do have one. I like it best when it's going 140 beats a minute in a spinning class, or on the basketball court, or in the sack...
Venus: Yes, I understand. I was trying to pay you a compliment.
Mars: Well, thank you. You're very kind. But then again, you are Venus.
Venus: I am. And being in retrograde made me think that I need to re-evaluate some relationships, too. I don't like that we don't see each other that much, and I was really catty last year about your "bachelor pad" so I decided to come see you this year.
Mars: That's very kind of you. [Looks down] What, no "beer shoes"? Those look like ordinary sneakers.
Venus: [Laughs] Apparently I don't need them. Who would have thought?
Mars: I have a cleaning service that comes once a week and doesn't steal shit, so the downstairs looks nice. But the upstairs is totally shot, so I apologize you won't get the full tour today. If I had known you were coming...
Venus: Not a problem. You're taking me out anyway.
Mars: I am?
Venus: Sure you are.
Mars: But you're not really dressed up today. Don't get me wrong; you're always totally adorable, but nothing frilly and pink for V-Day?
Venus: Nope, I'm not feeling that today. You've got pensive, thoughtful, loving Venus today, so I decided on a nice teal sweater and a pair of jeans. Think you can get us into your favorite steak house?
Mars: Yeah, I think I can throw my weight around a little. It's just unusual seeing you dressed that way. You sure you're not wearing anything red?
Venus: Well, if you decide to treat me like a lady, when we get back after dinner, maybe you'll find out what I'm wearing that's red. [winks]
Mars: [Smiles] Allrighty then. I'll make some calls. [heads upstairs]
Venus: And while you're up there, maybe you can freshen up your bedroom for, say, an overnight guest?
Mars: [stops on stairs] Sounds great! Give me like 30 minutes then. My cell has been on the fritz with Mercury in fucking retrograde again.
Venus: I'll be here. And don't go all out up there, either...just throw the sports equipment, porn, and video game console in the closet, and put on some fresh sheets and that will work for me, Mars.
Mars: [whispers as he throws porn in closet] Dude, this Valentine's Day is gonna be AWESOME! I better cancel my squash game with Saturn, too...here's to hoping I won't make it. Early-rising bastard.