Monday, February 3, 2014

Letters from Neptune: Inner Monologue on Spinning Class

Dear Mars,

As the astrological planetary representative of all things sporty, I wanted to take the opportunity to send along this missive. John's been taking spin classes for some time now, and while he freely admits he'd rather be at a bar riding with me than at the gym with you, I've noticed that his inner monologue when he is at spin class is quite fascinating. 

As I recall, you are the almuten--owner of the most real estate--of John's astrological chart. So I send this information to you in the hopes that you might better understand him and work with him, and your other people, of course, more effectively. Here are the notes from John's last spin class, with the corresponding activities happening outside of John's head. 

John’s Inner Monologue
30 minutes before class
John getting his bike
“I’m leaving my stuff here, including my spin pass. You other bitches better leave it alone. Don't even think about taking my spin pass or my bike or I will cut you!”
25 minutes before class
John filling his water bottle
“Why do I bother? I’m usually breathing so heavily I can’t drink anyway.”
15 minutes before class
John mounts bike and starts to warm up with no resistance on bike.
“Just make it through. Just make it through. No leaving early. No giving up. And you two bitches back there better shut the fuck up when we start class for real. I don’t want to hear about your slutty friend the entire way through class. REALLY. Most normal people just go for coffee to gossip about their friends!”
Class begins
Instructor: “Allright everyone. It is time to ride.”
“Shit. Here we go. Do they make spin bikes for fat people? I wish they did. I think I can still feel my ass for the moment. That won’t last long. But I’m not breaking down and buying one of those seat pads. NO WAY! Too stubborn for that.”
5 minutes into class
Instructor: “OK. That’s it for our warmup. We’re going to ease into this ride with some sprints followed by light hills.”
“I know that was just the warmup but a big part of me wants to get off this bike. And we’re supposed to match the instructor’s leg speed? SURE WE ARE. Lady, put down your damn iPhone. Fucking really! The text can wait.”
15 minutes into class
Instructor: “Good job! Towel off, drink up, set your intensity to open road.”
“Let me try to drink something. Just a sip. OK, that was thoroughly unsatisfying. Yes, my heart rate is up, shitbag, you and your muscular thighs and your flat stomach. Maybe I’ll drink more when I catch my breath, assuming my heart is still beating. And what’s the point of toweling off when I just keep sweating? Oh yeah, so I can SEE!”
16 minutes into class
Instructor: “Time for 80% leg speed. SPRINT!”
“If I could unlock my spin shoes quickly enough I’d be sprinting for the door, you prick. You’re going to settle for ‘as fast as I can pedal in my current state of fitness'.”
30 minutes into class
Instructor: “Now it’s time to do some mountain climbing. Set your intensity at 8 out of 10. Remember, you're not here for me. I'm already in better shape than you!”
“Fuck the mountain. There had better be a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade at the top for all this work. And is it possible to die from drowning in your own sweat? Stay tuned...we may just find out.”
45 minutes into class
Instructor: “OK, this is the final stretch. We’re going to do light hills interspersed with sprints, with a 2 minute sprint at the end. COME ON! Let’s DO IT!”
“OH HELL NO. Dude, we have so had enough. The next time I have a chat with Mars I am going to let him have it, that sonofabitch and his ‘let’s all be fit” attitude!  Fine…this wheel is 60 pounds and doesn’t stop on a dime so I guess I’ll keep pedaling.”
Class ends after 55 minutes
Instructor“Good job, everyone!”
“I AM A GOD! I am clearly superior to those who left after 15 minutes. Here we go again where everyone starts talking…I’m trying to stretch here, so how about some peace and quiet? Now I can have an excuse to collapse at my desk at work in a few hours. But I am STILL A GOD!”

Anyway, I hope you found these remarks insightful. As you can tell, John is looking forward to his next spinning class. 



PS: Hope you're getting ready for your annual date with lady Venus. Since she's been in retrograde I certainly hope she won't be a pill this year.