Dear John,
This whole "secret" angle you've got going on is against everything I believe in. You want to be open and honest with people, right? Well, honest people don't keep secrets, especially not when it's good news.
I'm prepared to take it on faith that your news IS good if you're doing such an excellent job of keeping everyone in the dark. But why? What is your ultimate goal?
Anyway, this scenario just seems like a poorly thought out, short-term attempt to boost your numbers, and while I like the philosophy, the execution sucks.
And the secret is rumored to be "good"...so why is it still a secret? I don't get you, unless the news is bad bad. Forget what I just said...I still don't get it.
If your ultimate goal is to get more readers, then by all means screw the rest of these planets, especially the malefics! I mean come on...who really wants to hear about Mars and his fits of temper and ever-present erections, or Saturn and his depressed demeanor that make watching commercials for anti-depressants for hours on end seem like a good time? Maybe we can keep Venus around, and I should really be more of a star. Mercury gets too much ink here as well; little fucker can never stay direct long enough anyway.
Speaking of Mercury, he has been texting everyone non-stop since this whole thing started and it's starting to get on everyone's nerves. We always have to brace ourselves for his return and you're really making it harder on us up here. So fuck you very much!
Who's there for you every single week of astrology college? I was. And I was there for your wedding day...my return was less than a month from that special occasion. All those lucky breaks you've had? That was me. So I've been there for you, man. I'm asking for this one favor, and I won't even give you the false promise that I won't tell anyone.
Did you catch that? I value you so much that I'll tell you up front that I will tell every single motherfucker in creation about your news when I find out what it is. I won't lie to you and say I'll keep your secret, and let it slip, like Mercury, or help you keep secrets, like Lady Moon. Oh no...with me it's full disclosure. I'll treat you with dignity. Which of the other astrological planets can say THAT?
In closing, I'll just remind you that I'm the planet of abundance, and I have blessed you abundantly. If you'd like an abundance of scrotal pimples, hornets' nests by your front door, or travel difficulties on your trip out west this fall, by all means continue to deny me that information.
Expansively,
Jupiter
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