Mercury Suffering from Information Underload!

Dear Jerkface Astrology Blogger,

So you're not very helpful, you know?

I'm trying not to be a stalker, but you ought to know what pisses me off. And what pisses me off is a lack of information. To put it in your terms, "What we have here is a failure to communicate."

I've texted you multiple times and yet you still haven't gotten back to me. I know for a fact that you have at least one device on you at all times, and you're always connected, so don't try to play the accessibility argument. 

I'm just getting back into the swing of things after my retrograde, but I'm on a wild goose chase of rumor, innuendo, and "circular reporting" about your "secret". When people repeat what they heard and then quote the other person as having said it, that's not hard data...that's just the 24-hour news cycle in a nutshell.

You can play your Saturnian communication games all you want by ignoring me, you little bastard. But that's not the way people should treat each other, and I think I deserve better than that. I haven't pissed off your readers too much recently, have I? No one calling me a "filthy whore" and all that? Well, where's the love? More importantly, where's the data? Where are the facts? What's the scoop?

Information is INTERESTING, and you of all people should KNOW how I get when I don't have information. And I'm not even back up to full speed; you don't want to see me in full-on Gemini/Virgo mode.

I've been so busy trying to figure out what your secret that I missed my deadline this morning. So this evening will just have to do. 

Did you forget how much I could mess with your life? You have, as I recall, a wife and two very dear friends whose Sun are ruled by yours truly. If you won't spill, maybe one of them will. I'll start with the Gemini one because they love to dish it, but maybe I can convince the Virgo to help a brother out.

And aren't you teaching a class tomorrow? Would you like to be able to access your lecture notes during class on your cool little iPad? Venus would be pretty upset if you couldn't...and so would your students. 

Please don't force me to get conniving, which I don't do particularly well. I want to communicate exactly what the consequences might be if you don't start spilling it. Don't make me spell it out for you. Laryngitis? Burned tongue? What's it going to take?

No, the Moon's not talking. I already tried. Composing romantic poetry for her didn't even work and I had Neptune's help. Sure, he was not exactly sober, but it's always after 5:00pm on Neptune, so that's not even news, but I was SURE it would work... 

I'd love to congratulate you if I knew what it was FOR, but until I do...I'll just have to keep texting you. 

Mercury

P.S. Jerkface.