Letters From Saturn: Celebrating Saturnalia

Dear John,

I wish you the blessings of the Winter Solstice! According to my calculations, it appears that the Sun will move into Capricorn at 11:48pm this evening in your area. This begins a two-month stretch of signs that I rule as well...in ancient times I also ruled the sign of Aquarius, and had dominion over the entire month surrounding the new calendar year. Uranus, of course, now rules the last part of January, but I'd like to think I still hold some sway.

I read your blog post last night and was surprised at how much like me you sounded. Truly a Saturnian blog that was, and I was extremely appreciative of it. But you sounded more pessimistic than your usual self, so I wanted to take the opportunity to wish you well in my own way. 

Saturnalia was a holiday festival held in my honor in ancient Roman times. You probably thought it was a big bore, but it was actually the most well-known of the ancient Roman holidays. 

There was a public banquet, people exchanged gifts, and in an interesting twist, a number of Roman laws were suspended for the duration of the festival. Think about it: We turned Rome into a casino and carnival in my honor for several days every December. The great poet Catallus called Saturnalia "the best of days" because at that one time of year, masters would serve their slaves table side. 

People had a really good time and truly enjoyed themselves. We did this for centuries until Christianity found its way into the Roman Empire, and then the party ended. But Saturnalia was so popular that it influenced modern holidays like Yule and Christmas. Good times!

As you have heard many times this year, you must "play the hand you're dealt" astrologically. In other words, as much as some days you'd like to believe I don't exist, you're sort of stuck with me, and you will bow to me eventually. I rule your chart and there's no getting around that. 

At the same time, I'm also stuck with you. In 2015, to be candid, you didn't make it easy on either of us. I'll give you credit for your determination and certainly I admire your tenacity, but there comes a time when you will have to bend to my will. Despite our past differences, I feel like you're getting around to that point now in your life. 

On this Saturnalia I have a message for you: While we're not "master and slave" per se--especially these days that phrase has so many other connotations that I will not address at this time--I bow to you and thank you for your service in my name this year. If there was an Applebee's close by me, I'd be the one bringing over your bar sampler personally and more than one refill of Diet Pepsi. 

We should try to make productive use of the limited time we have together in the coming years. I hope to interact more with you in a positive way in 2016, but if and when that occurs is not really up to me. It's up to you and I hope you will put more effort into our relationship than you have in the past, more than the standard jokes you like to throw my way. I'm all for fun at my expense...wait a minute. Of course I'm not. So never mind what I was just going to say.

I mean you no disrespect, John, but last night, you sounded like a tired, old man. Despite your experiences this past calendar year, you're still young, even though people ruled by me are "born old". And it sounds like you could use a little Saturnalia yourself, young man. So I hope you will take a little of your own advice and enjoy the time with your lovely wife and family this season.

You and I will work something out. It will take time and effort, but I've got plenty of both. I'd like to ask for you to keep an open mind; you may find me more of an ally than you originally thought. 

Blessed Yule to you and yours, and keep me in Saturnalia!

Very truly yours,

Saturn

Metaphysical Meanderings to Re-Cap 2015

Hello there everyone...the end of 2015 is almost upon us, and I wanted to take a few moments to share some meanderings with you while I have some time.

1) 2015 was a rough year. It had a few good parts, but generally speaking in my world it kind of sucked. So I can't wait for the new year. 

2) My faith in people was truly tested this year. I've always felt like I was a "people person", but there were more times this year where I wanted to be alone than usual. It seemed that people were much more interested in themselves than other people, and that in 2015 people were totally ready to fuck each other over for idiotic reasons. Hopefully that's just an aberration.

3) I think everyone needs an Erin Condren planner. I've had mine for a few weeks and I feel much better--much more creative and open. Give it a try! Stickers and Washi tape are more liberating than they might seem...

4) With all of the senseless violence we have seen this year, some of you may be feeling unsettled or somehow unsafe. While anything can happen anywhere, it's important for you to live your life to its fullest. Go where you want and enjoy yourselves without fear. That's the only way to defeat the intentions of anyone who would attempt to harm us.

5) Please express your own beliefs while being respectful of those of others. With the elections that are coming in 2016, there's always the potential for turbulence. If you post your beliefs on social media, people are going to comment, so use your best judgment. 

6) I'll just repeat one of the best memes I saw this year: "Dear Karma, you missed a few people. I have a list..." :)

7) My studies at the Midwest School of Astrology have really helped me grow and develop as a person and as an astrologer, even though it's only the end of my first semester. I'm thrilled to be a part of my class and the school community!

A special thanks to all of my clients, students at the ToWC, and classmates. I sincerely appreciate your patronage and friendship this year. 

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't thank my beloved, Jen, and my chosen family, who helped keep me sane during a very insane year. 

Finally, it's sometimes hard to know if anyone reads this blog. So I'd like to say a special thank you to those people who made a point of saying they have read it and who have made positive comments about it. Your positive feedback means the world to me.

Here's to a prosperous, peaceful, and amazing 2016. And here's to learning the lessons 2015 was supposed to teach us so we don't keep making the same mistakes.

All the best for you and yours for whatever holiday you celebrate! 

Jupiter vs. Saturn: Jupiter Promises, But Saturn Pays

Saturn: Welcome, old friend! Thanks for coming.

Jupiter: Sure, Old Man. You know I'll never turn down an invitation. Has Neptune arrived yet?

Saturn: Yup. He's in the other room beginning his yearly bender.

Jupiter: You mean his weekly bender, right? We're talking about the same planet here...

Saturn: I was trying to be more discrete than that, Jove, but your point is well taken. 

Jupiter: Of course. The soul of discretion you are! But it was awfully nice of you to invite us over! You hosting a party is out of character for you.

Saturn: Usually yes, but I wanted to have a little good cheer. You and I kind of share the holiday season so I think it's important for us to get together and remember that. Having the others here is an added bonus. 

Jupiter: Definitely. [looks at side table] Why are there cell phones all over the table?

Saturn: The theme this year is "Old Time Yule", and so I've asked everyone to leave their phones here for the duration of the party. People don't seem to talk anymore, and I don't want to advertise this event on social media.

Jupiter: Well, I've already checked in on Facebook and Foursquare, but I'm happy to leave my phone here for the merriment. [turns phone off and places it on the table]

Saturn: I should have put my intentions on the invitation. But I guess since I don't do any of that it shouldn't really affect me.

Jupiter: I see from the table that Venus and Mars are here. That "Hello Kitty" case is a dead giveaway, and as usual, Mars needs his screen replaced. 

Saturn: Correct. [looks down at Jupiter's phone case] And what is "Vault-Tec"? Your phone case says that...is it some sort of company?

Jupiter: Yes, Old Man. It's a fictional company from a video game that I enjoy called "Fallout 4". Pluto actually recommended it.

Saturn: Sounds like Pluto all right. And that's funny...I swear I saw a business article about that game, I think. It appears to be selling well, right?

Jupiter: Yes, it is. They're making tons of money on it. And it's a great adventure experience. And speaking of Pluto, he's here...there's his fallout shelter-themed case. You can see it coming a mile away with that orange traffic cone color.

Saturn: At least he won't be losing it anytime soon. So while you're here I have a serious question to ask.

Jupiter: I'm all ears, Old Man, and aren't all your questions serious?

Saturn: One point for you, Jupiter. [smile] John called me the other day to say that he accepts me. I'm not sure how to take that.

Jupiter: You should be thrilled! He's learning something from you.

Saturn: I must admit that while I don't like the way other people treat me sometimes, his past ire with me is not undeserved. There's one goal he's been working on for over seven years now that he hasn't yet achieved, and I know I delay things. I've thrown tons of roadblocks in his way and he gets tired of it. But clearly he's not ready for that yet, despite his insistence. Your opinion would be welcomed.

Jupiter: Have you heard the phrase, "Jupiter promises, but Saturn pays"?

Saturn: No! That must be a new astrological aphorism. And it's brilliant.

Jupiter: I agree, and it's true. I wish I could remember who said it. At any rate, I spend my life telling people to reach for the stars, to do and be more, to expand, to explore. But other than the occasional lucky break, my promises are only fulfilled because of you.

Saturn: I lost you there, Jupiter. What do you mean?

Jupiter: I can promise luck and good fortune, but only through hard work will it be sustained. You reward hard work as people like John push against those very obstacles. If not for them, any promises I make would be empty. And I'll be the first to admit that many of them are. You remember what happened to Marylin Monroe when she had her 3rd Jupiter return, right?

Saturn: Yeah. Her ego expanded too far, and she became a diva. Then they fired her.

Jupiter: Yup. She expanded too far and your influence stepped in to correct it. Did she learn from that experience? Well, no one can really say. But that was a seminal moment in her life. She could have used that setback as a springboard for the future. Ideally, John will do that, too, and ultimately, you will "pay off". But it's not easy. 

Saturn: I never thought of it that way. He and I have a very complicated relationship. To be fair, I'm the simple one...he's changed, but I haven't.

Jupiter: Calling yourself simple isn't a compliment, Saturn...

Saturn: I guess that's true. Then I'll say John is a complex individual. Will that work?

Jupiter: Indeed it will. So does that make you feel better?

Saturn: Definitely. Thank you as always for your wise counsel. 

Jupiter: Absolutely, old friend. Happy to do it! I hope the food isn't old, though...

Saturn: No, it's fresh, though clearly I didn't buy enough hot wings...Pluto has already devoured those.

Jupiter: Fucking little bastard! I have no idea where he puts it!!

Calling Saturn: Acceptance of the "Concrete Shoes"

[Rotary dial phone rings. "Wall Street Week" is on TV in the background.]

Saturn: Hello?

John: Hi Saturn, it's John here. You just opposed by natal Saturn position at 5 Gemini. You rule my chart. I'm the blogger. Is this a good time for you?

Saturn: [Pauses] Of course, of course! This is quite the surprise. It's really you?

John: No, it's Jupiter. Of course it's me, Old Man. How are you doing?

Saturn: I'm fine. I'm just surprised to hear from you, that's all. I wasn't sure we were speaking at the moment. 

John: Well, I can't really text you on that communication device we called a phone during the Truman administration, so I figured a call would have to do. 

Saturn: That's not what I meant. 

John: I know what you meant, Saturn. And I definitely go through periods when I don't want to talk to you at all. This past year, I haven't wanted to most of the time. Some days I want to deny you exist. 

Saturn: OK. How is that strategy that working out for you?

John: Badly, actually. But thanks for asking. 

Saturn: Seems like the least I could do, even if I already knew the answer. [Pause] So while I'm more patient than most of the other planets, I'd like to know the reason for your call.

John: Well, I'm calling to let you know that I accept you.

Saturn: Excuse me?

John: I accept you in my chart and in my life. I'm not just tolerating you; I accept you. I can't change my birth chart, but I can change my life and use your influence to my advantage. I need to learn to be comfortable in the "concrete shoes" you provide me.

Saturn: I HATE that expression, but at least you know you'll be well grounded in reality. You really hate disorganized, flighty people. So do I. See? We've got a lot in common already. 

John: I said I accept you, Saturn, no more and no less. That doesn't mean I like you very much. I'll have to get around to that. 

Saturn: Fair enough. Frankly, I don't like YOU very much some days, especially when you demonize me. I have enough people who want to make me out to be the bad guy, and you, young man, are a champion at it.

John: We all have our talents, Old Man. And I'm sorry you feel that way. Despite the fact that you're not a fan of creativity, the genesis of this entire blog comes from you. So while you do have a tendency to take more credit than you deserve for my life some days, you can take credit for this blog.

Saturn: I still think it should come out on a schedule. But I grudgingly give you credit for persistence. Four years is a long time to be blogging. Your astrological analysis still needs a lot of work, if we're being honest. But once again, you persist in your studies and maybe someday there will be a payoff it in for you if you work hard.

John: I expect nothing less than your total candor, Old Man. I know being positive just isn't really in your makeup. But now that you've passed over 5 Gemini, perhaps I can be more open to your influence in my life. I think I can go that far.

Saturn: Well, young man, I'm not going anywhere, so take your time. You'll come around...eventually. You're at least smart enough to study astrology; most people don't have the drive these days. They're more interested in seeing a long string of people's idiotic life stories told in pieces.

John: Yeah, I just can't see you doing the social media thing. But that's OK...it's not for everyone. 

Saturn: See? You're learning to accept me already.

John: Let's not get carried away, Old Man. I'm working on it.

Saturn: Good to know. [Pause] Well, I'm glad we could have this chat. If there's nothing else...

John: No, I think that's it for now. Hey, is that "Wall Street Week" I hear in the background?

Saturn: Of course it is. Time to see how badly the tech stocks tanked today. People should just know better.

John: Good night, Old Man. Sleep well.

Saturn: You too. And remember to keep Saturn in Saturnalia!

Random Meanderings from Jupiter and Saturn

Jupiter: PARTY PEOPLE! Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP for my Archers? It's that time of year again baby! Everything is awesome!

Saturn: Hello everyone. For those of you who missed our intro, you actually haven't, since my counterpart decided not to give our scheduled preamble. 

Jupiter: Oh come on, Old Man! Can't you live a little? Oh wait...what am I saying? Of course you can't! I was getting around to the intro though...

Saturn: [clears throat] John realizes that he has a responsibility to all of you and as such has decided to produce another blog. It's about time, if you ask me. He's been derelict in his duty to all of you. At least that's what I think.

Jupiter: What my very serious and sober colleague--and for those of you playing at home, we mean that literally and figuratively--is trying yet failing to say is that John's been out of the loop for a while and wanted to check back in. There's been a lot going on. 

Saturn: Indeed there has. John has once again taken on the responsibility of National Novel Writing Month, and similar to last year, his performance is lacking. He will not be finishing, as usual. But that would at least give you a partial explanation for his absence. Just a huge waste of time, if you ask me, and yet John stubbornly persists. I do give him credit for determination, though. If only he could take the effort he has given to Fallout 4 and direct it toward more worthy endeavors.

Jupiter: Well, while Negative Ned over here can focus on John's "deferred success" in Nanowrimo, let's talk about John's studies at the Midwest School of Astrology. He's learning a ton and really enjoying his teachers and his classmates. They realized he's not as serious as his astrological chart has made him out to be.

Saturn: Excellent that you brought up the school, Jupiter. John's learned a lot more about me, and the school believes that no planets are bad. Clearly that's a message he needs to hear repeatedly.

Jupiter: Look, Old Man, how can you blame the guy? You just opposed his natal Saturn position. He struggled with it most of the year. You should know better than anyone that time heals many things. 

Saturn: Well said, Jupiter. One point for you. Don't get used to it, though. John also continued his pursuit of his career goals and personal business by attending SOTA in Buffalo, New York, last month. Once again, the presenters really helped me put my best foot forward. But don't think I didn't hear about the moans and groans from certain audience members when I was mentioned. [shakes head sadly] Even in a room full of astrologers, some folks never learn.

Jupiter: And John learned a ton about a number of other topics as well. His presentation went well, and he hopes to have done well enough to be asked back again next year. Now, on to more current matters...

Saturn: Uh, Jupiter, we covered everything John asked us to discuss.

Jupiter: Well, not exactly. Your briefing book for this blog was missing a section that mine has, I suspect. 

Saturn: Was that an oversight?

Jupiter: I'm sure that it was. [smiles]

Saturn: [pause] Go on. 

Jupiter: John's asked me to discuss how to purchase astrological charts for the holidays! You know you want to!

Saturn: Wait just one minute! It was my understanding there would be no marketing in this piece!

Jupiter: Sorry, dude, You should know the drill by now.

Saturn: I understand the desire for business growth and development but if a business has a great reputation then it shouldn't need to advertise, right?

Jupiter: Au contraire, mon frere. It's always good to let people know what you're doing. 

Saturn: [SIGH] That oversight was likely a deliberate attempt to fool me into doing this blog. Just get on with it.

Jupiter: Jolly good! Natal charts and solar returns make great gifts for the holiday season. If you want one or both, let John know. He needs the date, place, and time of your birth to get an accurate chart, so don't leave any out. And get him all that information by December 1 to give him enough time for holiday gift giving. There you go, Saturn. Painless, right? [ruffles Saturn's hair]

Saturn: [glowering] I don't see the point of repeating my earlier statement, Jupiter. [fixes hair]

Jupiter: Well, I do...so to recap...holy shit! Is that that time? I've gotta get out of here...got a party to go to! I'm sure you can finish up here, right? [Jupiter leaves]

Saturn: I don't really think I have a choice, now, do I? [Looks in the direction that Jupiter left and shakes his head]  As you may have noticed, things in the world have become rather turbulent in the last half of 2015, and it's important to take stock of the incredible amount we have in our lives. So in between parties and presents, please take the opportunity to treasure those you hold dear. Also, Small Business Saturday is November 28, so please take the opportunity to help them grow through your patronage. Finally, may the blessings of the holiday season be upon you.  

Shameless Marketing: Free Spirit by Jennifer Wells

Hello there everyone...Mercury here with another shout out! 

Free Spirit, the long anticipated sequel to Jennifer Wells' Magick Charm, is now available and it's as close as your fingertips! Order your Kindle version here!

Excerpt:

Wild child Rachel is having a week so terrible, not even a pitcher of margaritas will help. When her evil boss shows up on her doorstep with a sob story, her request to stay a few nights turns into a whole lot more. She can’t even escape into some of her favorite haunts in the Quarter since she seems to have garnered the unwanted attention of some rabid readers. When her ghost-hunting assignment goes unexpectedly awry, Rachel unknowing releases a vengeful spirit.

Enduring a wicked houseguest and hiding from an over-enthusiastic fan all while trying to put a spirit back in her grave where she belongs is more challenging than sobriety during Mardi Gras. Can she and her family work some magick to put things right in the Crescent City or has Rachel bit off more veggie muffuletta than she can chew?

The first reviews are starting to come out and they're awesome! Here's an excerpt from one on A Bookaholic's Fix (click the link to see the entire review!)


"I absolutely love this book and I look forward to reading more by Wells in the future. Free Spirit is definitely a five-star read and perfect for anyone who loves paranormal with a healthy dose of attitude!"

There you have it. Another triumph from Jennifer Wells! Like you expected any less from one of my chosen people! GO TEAM MERCURY!

Oh, PS: If you haven't read Magick Charm, go buy it while it's still 99 cents because that price won't be around long. Like an apparition, it can disappear into thin air...

Remember that one of the areas I rule is commerce...so here's a not so subtle of where you can buy your book on Amazon.

Thanks for your attention, good people. We now return you to your world of text messages and social media.

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: The Outer Planets Unite...Sort Of...

Uranus: Hi everyone! Thanks for coming. 

Neptune: Sure, man.

Pluto: Not even sure why I agreed to this. 

Uranus: Well, Pluto, sometimes we have to think of something larger than our individual interests.

Pluto: Why? What's wrong with killing shit with nukes and getting laid?

Neptune: Pluto, I think what Uranus is trying to say is that since the classical planets sometimes meet on their own, we should too.

Uranus: Nep, I didn't actually say that at all.

Neptune: Not with your words, but with your mind you did!

Pluto: Don't fuck with me, you two. I heard a Virgo astrologer over the weekend at this SOTA meeting called you "a lying fuck", Neptune, so don't bother denying it. 

Neptune: OK, fine. But that is not very poetically said...and it's not extremely creative either. At least "The Great Deceiver" has a little more flair. But in this case I had nothing to do with this meeting!

Uranus: Come on...pay attention! What I'm talking about is the situation in the sky. The other planets get all the attention, it seems, and I don't like it anymore. 

Pluto: Dude, are you whining?

Uranus: Maybe a little. But if you read any mythology at all, Saturn chopped my dick off a while back, so I have a right to whine, don't you think? 

Pluto: Must have missed that one. At least I got a cartoon character out of it. 

Neptune: What exactly are you suggesting, Urnie?

Uranus: I think we ought to rebel. 

Pluto: I think we have arrived at the reason why I came to this meeting. You want to fuck up some shit! 

Uranus: Yeah I do.

Pluto: I'm in! 

Neptune: Pluto! Urnie, trying to get along has always worked. You want to turn us into curmudgeons like Saturn?

Uranus: Of course not! But there was a ton of information about all of us during this conference. We're really important. So why aren't we in the public eye more? John barely writes about us at all, for example. This is probably the most I've ever gotten to say. 

Pluto: Talk is cheap, U. And John is my guy, so you fuck with him at your peril!

Neptune: Calm down, Pluto. Uranus was just using John as a metaphor, right?

Uranus: Um, Nep, not everything is a metaphor. Sometimes there isn't any subtext to what I am trying to express.

Neptune: Wait, what?

Uranus: I think people need to hear more from us. The other planets get their share of time so why shouldn't we?

Neptune: Sounds like it would take effort, and I don't think stirring up trouble is worth it. 

Uranus: It's totally worth it to me. We need to start doing more talking in meetings and making our voices heard. So Pluto's going to need to speak up.

Pluto: I'm not good at that. You saw what happened when I lost it. No one seemed to give a shit.

Uranus: That's why you need to do it: they still don't know what to make of you in meetings.  That's an advantage.

Pluto: Maybe you're right. [Pauses] Let me think about this. I need a little time.

Uranus: That's fine. Neptune?

Neptune: I'm not in favor. And I don't think I want to talk about this anymore...as far as I am concerned this meeting never happened.

Mercury's Initial Report on SOTA 2015

Moon: Go right in, Mercury. The Sun's waiting for you.

Mercury: Thank you, lady. I'd like you to join us for this meeting, if that's OK with the boss. 

Moon: How very thoughtful of you, Mercury! I'll ask him.

Mercury: Of course, Lady...and I know that he's going to tell you everything anyway so why should we make him repeat himself?

Sun: [from the office] Mercury, are you coming in here or not? I've been waiting for this report...

Moon: [gets up from her desk] Give me a moment, Mercury, please. [enters the Sun's office].

Sun: Come on in, Merc.

Mercury: [enters and sits down] Thank you, sir. 

Sun: Good suggestion on asking Lady Moon to be present. She's typing up the report anyway so it makes perfect sense for her to be here. 

Mercury: Glad you agree, sir. [pause] Where should I begin?

Sun: I don't have time for a full "brain dump", Mercury, so start with the most important things, please. 

Mercury: Yes, sir. [pulls out tablet and starts swiping] Here we are. Lots of excellent stuff being discussed. One facet of this conference in particular is how even handed they are about Saturn. There are always a few groans from the audience when he comes up, but the presenters have done a great job giving the positive side of him. He'll be really pleased to hear that...as pleased as he can be. 

Sun: Really? That's outstanding news. Lady, please make sure that Saturn hears that ASAP.

Moon: Yes, sir. I'm on it. 

Mercury: All of us were in conversations about transits that may be positive for love and relationships. Again, the presenter was excellent and very even-handed. 

Moon: Did they mention transits to my nodes? [looks at the sun] Oh, sorry, sir. 

Sun: Go ahead, Lady. Please. 

Moon: Thank you, sir. Anything on transits to my nodes and love, Mercury?

Mercury: Yes, ma'am. Actually there was some stuff on it. I think humans are disappointed that those nodal transits aren't longer because some of them are pretty damn good.

Moon: [Beams] Indeed! 

Sun: What's on the agenda for today?

Mercury: Again, a great schedule chock full of facts. "Astrology and Grief" was this morning, and then this afternoon there's a presentation on declinations over a lifetime. 

Sun: Super important, that last one, and it gets kind of complex, but that's good. If people are going to study us they need to take it seriously. 

Mercury: And they are, sir. Astrology conversations are going on constantly this weekend, before, during and after classes, at receptions and in bars. It's all astrology all the time for this group.

Sun: Excellent. At the next meeting you'll present your findings, right?

Mercury: An abbreviated version, yes, sir. 

Sun: I expect your report by Monday COB, and it will be the framework for any observations that the other planets might have had. We'll send it by email but you know as well as I do that Neptune doesn't read his email half the time. 

Mercury: I had heard that, sir, but I had no evidence to back that up. 

Sun: You can trust me on this one, Merc. [chuckles] I think we're done, Merc, except for one last thing...

Mercury: Sir?

Sun: Our favorite blogger presented this morning. How did he do?

Mercury: I didn't really look into that, sir...it was on tarot so I wasn't sure if you'd be interested in it...

Sun: But you must have heard something!

Mercury: Initial reports seem to indicate that he did well, and while I know his presentation skills are solid, I don't have much to back that up.

Sun: Well, John's solar return is tomorrow, so I'm especially keeping an eye on him. [turns to Lady Moon]. Please leave out my interest in John's presentation when you compile the report, Lady, if you would be so kind. Some planets are a little testy these days. 

Moon: These centuries, you mean, sir? Like planets that begin with "S" and end with "aturn"?

Sun: Lady! [sighs] Mercury, you are forbidden from broadcasting that. The last thing I want is the greater malefic with something to hold over me. 

Mercury: I'll do my best, sir. 

Sun: Do better than your best, Mercury. I expect your report in two days. 

Mercury: Yes, sir. I'm off. [runs out of the room]

Moon: Sorry. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, boss. 

Sun: Luna, please don't say anything like that in front of the chatterbox of the astrological planets ever again. Him or Uranus, actually.

Moon: Yes, sir. [low voice] He's still a prick. [leaves the office]

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: SOTA 2015

Sun: OK, people, settle down, please. Time to make the donuts. Lady Moon, how's our attendance today?

Moon: Sir, we're working with a skeleton crew...looks like Venus, Mars, and Jupiter are all out right now. 

Sun: Wait...those three are out, and Neptune is here?

Moon: Yes, sir. 

Mercury: I heard those three were getting together soon, sir. This weekend, I thought. 

Sun: We're conjunct with each other at various times, but what I don't understand us why they didn't show up. Did you check the Facebook page?

Mercury: I just looked. Nothing, sir. 

Saturn: Sir, there has to be some sanction for this or else the behavior will continue. I for one am sick of having my time wasted.

Neptune: You're just incapable of rolling with it, aren't you, Old Man?

Saturn: Neptune, you have no standing to criticize me since you can never even be on time. I haven't missed a meeting since we started having them. 

Pluto: Don't be a prick. 

Saturn: [turns to Pluto] Excuse me? Were you talking to ME?

Pluto: You answered to it, right, prick? [snickers]

Saturn: I think it was better when you didn't say anything in meetings, Pluto. Why can't we go back to the days when we only had the classical planets? Those were the days...

Sun: Saturn, Pluto has every right to be here, as do Uranus and Neptune.

Pluto: And everyone knows you don't like us, Old Man.

Saturn: Well, you outer planets are at least present, so I'll give them a tiny bit more credit than I normally would. Though that's still not much, I'll admit...

Mercury: Wait, a picture just came in on the Facebook page. [pause] Oh wow...is that a video of Jupiter trying to play Dance Dance Revolution with Venus and Mars observing? Looks like he's having a seizure, not dancing. WOW. [pause] I get they feeling they're not coming to the meeting, sir. 

Sun: Well there's an astrology conference going on this weekend in Buffalo, NY, and we were going to look at the agenda and see how our messages are getting out. 

Uranus: Sir, we already see some social media action on it. There's not much, but technically the full conference doesn't begin until Friday morning.

Sun: Well, OK then. I guess we move on without them. I want everyone to pay attention to the social media buzz on this and see what information about each of us is going out. I also understand that your favorite blogger, John, is going to be there, Old Man. 

Saturn: I don't want to talk about him right now, sir. You know why.

Sun: [glowers at Saturn and speaks softly] You know, I'm getting sick of your shit, Saturn. You've been acting like a jerk since you walked in here. [pause and at full voice] All of you have your assignments, so go to it. I expect reports by COB Monday. Now please clear the room, except for Saturn. Lady Moon, please send my instructions to the Facebook page so Venus, Mars, and Jupiter complete their assignments. 

Moon: Yes, sir. You heard him, please. Clear the room. 

[Everyone else rises and leaves the room except the Sun and Saturn]

Sun: Saturn, you have no reason to be pissed at John. In fact, he's got more of a reason to be angry at YOU because of what you've been putting him through all spring and summer. He's handling it better than you, you know that?

Saturn: Sir, with all due respect, I don't appreciate...

Sun: [quietly] Saturn, don't piss me off. The way to do that is not to speak. [pause] I'm only going to say this once: Get the fuck over yourself. I'm very weary of your complaints. They've been going on for centuries. Some of that is an occupational hazard, I get that. But I don't want to hear any more sob stories about how everyone hates you, or about how some fat bastard is writing a blog you don't like. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB and keep quiet about it. Goodbye. 

Shameless Marketing: Upcoming Events!

Hello everyone...I've finally managed to wrest my blog back from the astrological planets. And there was much rejoicing! Yaaaaaaaaay!

Anyway, there's a lot going on in my life right now. The most important event coming up for me is the SOTA (State of the Art) Astrology Conference in Cheektowaga, NY, this coming week. I'll be leaving Wednesday and coming home Sunday night. I'm looking forward to meeting some old friends and making some new ones. Two of my dear sisters--the Mercury twins, I call them--will be coming with me on this great journey, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I'll also be meeting Pam and Diane, my teachers at the Midwest School of Astrology, as well as one of my classmates. It should be a great time!

My presentation is Saturday morning on "The Queens of the Tarot", and I hope that if you live in the Buffalo area or find yourself there you'll at least come out and see the conference's trade room, which is free to anyone. Half-day passes are also available so check out the program and if you're interested, come on over!

Two interesting things have happened this fall regarding my tarot business. I've been there two weekends in October and haven't seen many clients, which is odd because usually I'm extremely busy. The second is that Halloween is on a Saturday night, good people, and I'm not booked for a tarot party yet. This totally confuses me because I'm usually turning people away for Halloween. Anyway, there's still time...if you want to make your Halloween party a little extra special, drop me a line and we'll see what we can set up!

Also in the realm of shameless marketing, my beloved, Jennifer Wells, is releasing the long-awaited sequel to Magick Charm on October 26th! It's call Free Spirit and it's available on Kindle; you can even pre-order it if you like. I'm so proud of her achievement! Writing a book is really hard work, which is likely why none of my books have seen the light of day yet. Here's a meme that seems to work nicely for writers:

Anyway, here's the link to pre-order it! Told you it was shameless marketing! 

If you live in Northern VA, I hope to see you at www.13magickalmoons.com for our Samhain ritual on October 28 from 6-9pm. I'll be reading cards but I'll also be participating in the ritual, which is open to all. If you've never been and you're looking for a welcoming Pagan community, look no further!

I've also updated my tarot schedule through the end of the year at the links to your right. 

Thanks as always for your attention and patronage. Blessed Samhain to all! I hope to see you across my table soon. :)

Sun vs. Saturn: Growing Toward the Sun

Moon: The Sun will see you now, Saturn. 

Saturn: Thank you, good Lady. Please see that we're not disturbed. 

Moon: Yes, sir. In you go.

[Saturn walks into the Sun's office and closes the door. Lady Moon flips Saturn off.]

Saturn: Thanks for taking the time to see me, sir. 

Sun: Certainly, Saturn. [The Sun's phone rings] Excuse me a moment. Yes, Lady? [pauses] I see. Thank you...I'll let him know. [hangs up with a chuckle]. So apparently you're "an asshole".

Saturn: What? Who was that?

Sun: Lady Moon. She said something about making sure to interrupt you during our meeting. Did you two have some kind of incident, Old Man?

Saturn: That was rude! All I did was tell her I wanted us not to be disturbed. And I don't expect such language from her.

Sun: I think I get it now. Lady Moon does not take it kindly when people other than me try to dictate what goes on in my office. So you deserved that one. And frankly, even the Moon has a dark side...you're just not around to hear it. 

Saturn: Be that as it may, good sir...

Sun: Yes?

Saturn: John just started with astrology college recently. 

Sun: Yes, I have been following his exploits on Facebook. The Midwest School of Astrology! I couldn't be more thrilled for him!

Saturn: Well...I'm not happy. 

Sun: I usually try to avoid sarcasm, Old Man...but should I be surprised?

Saturn: It's one more excuse for John to lessen my influence on him. He found out that people are their moon signs as children and "grow toward the Sun". I rule his Moon, so once again that leaves me out in the cold. 

Sun: You know, for an astrological planet you seem to really have an inferiority complex.

Saturn: I do not!

Sun: You sure do. Why is that?

Saturn: Do you know how it feels to be seen as the planet who puts restrictions on people? Or the planet that everyone hates? Because that's where I am. 

Sun: Saturn, you play an important astrological role. And you should know that by now. What I don't understand is why you let this...this John guy, this blogger, as nice as he is, make you so angry. You have millions of other people in your domain. Why him?

Saturn: Because he's figuring me out. You see, most people don't know astrology. They just see it as a fun diversion in their newspaper. But John...he was one of my people growing up, and I was exceptionally proud of him. Since he started learning more about all of us, however...he's pushed away from me. And he's trying to tell more people about me and my influence. That's not helping my cause at all. His blog takes his fair share of pot shots in my direction and I'm tired of it. 

Sun: Saturn, I'm really sorry, but you're wasting my time with all this. You know I've always been here to listen. My advice is to let it go. How many people actually listen to John, anyway? He's a neophyte at best. Stop taking him so seriously. 

Saturn: Maybe you're right, sir. I just...I hate it when people trash my reputation. I mean, they said in class that Capricorn was like "concrete shoes" and John thought that was HILARIOUS. They don't understand how important I am. 

Sun: And I'm sure John for one DOES understand how important you are. He's probably done more positive things for your cause than you realize. But you know as well as I do that he's coming up on his Saturn-Saturn opposition in his natal chart, and that can make people a little bit more...well, YOU know.

Saturn: Yes, I sure do. [gets up] Thanks for your time, sir. I've already taken too much of it. See you at the next meeting. 

Sun: Hang in there, Old Man. It will get better, I'm sure. 

[Saturn opens the door and leaves]

Moon: [mimicking Saturn] Please see that we're NOT disturbed.  [high squeaky voice] Of course, your Lordship! 

Sun: [laughs] That was not done with your usual subtlety, Luna.

Moon: Fuck him. That old bastard really pisses me off! Coming in here to try to give you orders...who in the Universe does he think he is?

Sun: [smiling] I adore you, Luna.

Moon: That prick. I feel bad for John...he's really fucked because Saturn rules his Moon position, too.

Sun: John will be fine. Please don't trouble yourself over Saturn anymore , OK?

Moon: [smiles] I'll endeavor to grumble more silently, sir. 

Planetary Blog Tour: Mercury's Manic Musical Musings

Hi there! Hope you've enjoyed this blog tour! Setting it up was a lot of fun and the fact that we all worked together, well...that never happens! So it was cool.

Anyway, I've got my list last for you now. I mean, I'm the last list you'll see on this topic. Just making sure I was clear...I'm in retrograde now and things are starting to be very fuzzy in my world so I'll go for short and sweet here.

1) "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)" by Jim Croce--This is one of the first songs John remembered as a child, and it was one of his parents' favorite artists. Of course, many of us don't even know what an operator is anymore, or remember that Ma Bell started all this. 

2) "867-5309 Jenny" by Tommy Tutone--During the 80s we couldn't stop listening to this song. I mean, it was insane. Anyone who had that number but have been inundated with prank calls! Nowadays, everyone just texts, you know?

3) "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore?" by Prince and Alicia Keys--Both versions have their appeal, but the reason no one calls is because everyone is texting. I thought I said that earlier!

4) "Pennsylvania 6-5000" by the Glenn Miller Orchestra--Ah yes, big band in the age of numbers that involved the name of a state! Damn, that was a long time ago. Fun little tune, though. The band actually has to shout the title at various times during the song, which John will tell you from personal experience is rather irritating and takes away from the overall experience. 

5) "Crosstown Traffic" by Jimi Hendrix--I really enjoy this tune. Thankfully my commute is a short one. Folks who live in big cities probably wouldn't say the same, unless you're taking public transit, another one of the areas I cover. 

6) "www.email.com" by Prince--When the Internet was starting to become self-aware...I mean, when it was starting to grown in accessibility and popularity, Prince came out with this smooth cool hit.

7) "Communication Breakdown" by Led Zeppelin--This song is all about me right now. It's much harder to avoid when I'm in retrograde, right?

8) "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees--A fantastic hit from the era of disco and Saturday night fever. Glad I wasn't the bass player...I tried it once on Rock Band and it was a total bitch kitty!

9) The group "Talking Heads" and their album "Speaking in Tongues--How awesome is that??

10) "Traveling Without Moving" by Jamiroquai--The song is unexpectedly good! Who knew?

Anyway, hope I'm not treating you too badly. And if I didn't apologize yet for anything I might do to your life...sorry!

Thanks for tuning in for the blog hop! John will be back once he manages to recover from his vacation! :)  

PS Oh shit...I forgot that I'm "Mercury, the Messenger" in Holst's "The Planets" suite. Whatever. 

Planetary Blog Tour: The Moon's Musical Musings

Hello and well met, everyone...I'm the Moon and it's a pleasure to be here. I must admit it's a tad bit unsettling, knowing that all of you are going to read this. But I'll try to work through it on this "Moon"day. :)

Anyway, here are some musical selections for you to ponder.

1) "Mother" by the Police--While not portraying mothers in a particularly good light, this song is goofy and interesting, and it's done in a weird time signature--7/8 time, maybe? Listen and you'll see what I'm talking about. 

2) "Mitternacht" by E Nomine--I know many of you probably wouldn't think I'd like a song named "Midnight" by a German techno pop artist, but this is a guilty pleasure of mine. It reminds John of a loud goth club he read tarot a few times back after he started his professional reading career. So glad he got out of that place!

3) "Under a Violet Moon" by Blackmore's Night--A lovely tune, this one! I probably hear it once or twice a week at least. 

4) "Black Moonlight" by Bing Crosby--If you're a fan of the Fallout New Vegas game, you'll recognize this one. Old school can be the best sometimes...but I've really got to be in the mood for it. 

5) "So Emotional" by Whitney Houston--Say what you will about this lady's life and death, she was pure, raw talent. And love can do that to us...trust me!

6) "I Second that Emotion" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles--This phrase has worked its way into popular culture since this song came out during Motown's heyday. But it never fails to put a smile on my face. 

7) "Loveless Love" by Kid Ory's Creole Jazz Band--A New Orleans jazz classic! Who says you have to have words to convey emotion? OK, maybe Mercury does...but let me reassure you that even a song without words can move you. Listen to the raw clarinet solo in this one...that tells you all you need to know about how much passion these musicians had. 

8) "Blue Moon" by a whole bunch of people--Originally written by Rodgers and Hart, this song has been covered many many times, by Dean Martina nd Elvis, among others. It also made an appearance in the movie "Grease" sung by none other than Sha Na Na. No matter when it comes up, I love it. NOTE: The version by the Ventures is peppier than most, and has no words. But it doesn't need them. 

9) "Do You Want to Know a Secret?" by the Beatles. I can keep secrets well, and I always seem to have a knowing grin during meetings when people don't know what's coming, but I do. I listen very well and I keep my mouth shut...imagine what you could learn by doing the same!

10) "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra--I love the sounds of old lounge singers, and this song fits the bill. Who wouldn't want to be near the Moon? 

Thanks for being so patient and understanding as a ramble along. If you have other Moon-related songs, please let me know in the comments and John will pass them along.