Friday, September 4, 2015

Mars vs. Pluto: Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings...

Pluto: Yeah?

Mars: Pluto, it's Mars. Don't hang up!

Pluto: [pause] Dammit. Knew I shouldn't have picked up without knowing who it was.

Mars: Look, dude...

Pluto: Why are you calling me? The Sun put you up to this?

Mars: Yeah dude. Sorry.


Pluto: If the Sun told you to call me, I bet you are.

Mars: You have no idea, dude.

Pluto: Well, you deserved it. Don't be a dick and those things won't happen.

Mars: I got carried away, dude.

Pluto: [chuckles] You consider that an apology?

Mars: It's the truth. And I...I need you to come back.


Pluto: Why?

Mars: Because the Sun told me you had to. And you can't walk in with a chip on your shoulder.

Pluto: The mighty Mars, forced to ask for help. How entertaining.

Mars: Don't fucking jerk me around, man. Are you gonna come back or not?

Pluto: Maybe. What will you do for me?

Mars: Come on, man. Don't bust my stones.

Pluto: [laughs] I have to, dude. You earned it.

Mars: Well, I dunno...what do you want?

Pluto: You've got connections in the sports world, so maybe you can hook me up.

Mars: Name it.

Pluto: OK. I want seats behind the plate at Fenway Park for the entire opening series of the Red Sox against the Yankees next season.

Mars: Done.

Pluto: I'm not finished. I also want your list of fantasy football pix, and I want in the planetary league, with no entry fee but still eligible for prizes, for life.

Mars: Done.

Pluto: Finally, I want you to talk about your feelings in the next planetary meeting.

Mars: My WHAT?

Pluto: You heard me.

Mars: I...I don't think I can do that. How about Super Bowl tickets?

Pluto: Nope. I want you to talk about your feelings, how it felt for you to insult me. And then I want a heartfelt apology and your assurances in front of everyone that you won't verbally come after me again. That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation. Do we have a deal, Mars?

Mars: Fuck me! That's highway robbery.

Pluto: Well, my friend, life comes down to choices. You can face the group and pour out your soul, or you can face the Sun's wrath. In other words, "Choose the form of the Destructor!"

Mars: Really, man? That's the best you can come up with? 80s movie lines?

Pluto: Is that aggression I hear in your voice? I'm sure it's not...

Mars: [sighs] Alright, dude. You win. I'll do it. Better to do that than face what the Sun had in mind.

Pluto: Which was...?

Mars: He said he would let Venus run our meetings for a year if you weren't back at meetings with a smile on your face.

Pluto: WOW. He must have hammered your ass!

Mars: Yeah, dude. A righteous ass chewing. I'm still hurting.

Pluto: You know, people say I'm the most powerful planet, but I've gotta tell you, that lady of yours was pretty amazing. And more than a little scary.


Pluto: Considering those consequences, I think I can back off a little, but not much. No public apology, but I come to every NFL game this season at your place and I'm not paying for a thing. I want tons of wings, nachos, lemon drop shots, and margaritas.

Mars: Deal! Thanks!

Pluto: And Super Bowl tickets, the next time it's in New's a Scorpio town and I love it there.

Mars: Dude, I'll do anything to get out of talking about my feelings in public. Done.

Pluto: Thanks. See you for Steelers vs. Pats next Thursday night.

Mars: Got it. See you then.

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