Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Dwarves, Bullies, and Wonder Woman, Take 2

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Glad to see all of you. Lady Venus, it's especially nice to have you back.

Venus: Thank you, sir. It's a pleasure to be back. I heard that things were pretty messy in my absence...

Sun: Yes, well, you don't have control over that, good lady. We're just thrilled you're here with us today. And Pluto, you're looking chipper!

Pluto: Sir, I'm really hoping to make a positive contribution this time.


Sun: I'm sure you will, Pluto. Lady Moon, is everyone present?

Moon: No, sir. We're just missing Neptune.

Sun: We'll that's not really news, but thanks as always for keeping track. I'm sure he'll turn up.

Moon: Yes, sir. If I may, sir?

Sun: Certainly, lady.

Moon: I think someone has something he'd like to say. Mars?

Mars: Yeah, I'm really sorry I went house last time and sort of exploded. I think all of you are cool, and I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I'll try to be less like my bully self in meetings.

Sun: That's very polite of you, Mars. Thank you. Was that all, Lady Moon?

Moon: [Beams] Yes, sir. I think we can continue.

Sun: Excellent. Well, unfortunately, the proposed meeting between Pluto and Mercury never occurred, so I'd like to take the up the matter again. John and his lovely wife Jen are going away for a few weeks, and we still have some time to help out. Pluto, I'd like you to speak first.

Pluto: Well, I think that we could probably help out by providing some blog support while John is away. The man doesn't need to be educating the masses while he's trying to relax. His wife tells me he's not so good at it anyway, so we need to make sure he does that and comes back refreshed for his astrology college studies.

Sun: Sounds like a good place to start, Pluto. Thank you. Discussion?

Mercury: This is a great idea! I've got tons of stuff. We can do an out of office message for the first blog, the day he leaves, and then those of us who want to can take a turn writing. I know some of us have done it before...but we can't count on John's help this time. From what I hear, he's going to a place so remote he'll have very occasional Internet access anyway.

Jupiter: Ummm, Merc, how is he going to do with that? I get upset when my emails don't come in that fast.

Mercury: Well, the fact of the matter is that John is very plugged in. As far as his emotional state without constant Internet is concerned, well...I'm not the best planet to speak to that. I've got very little evidence to work with.

Mars: He'll be OK. John's a fighter. He'll probably hit the gym more...and he's already in there three times a week, so I hope his fitness doesn't take a vacation!

Jupiter: This trip is going to be an adventure, and as such I will be an excellent person to fill in for at least one blog. Maybe I can do a travel feature about where he's going.

Saturn: And you can count on me for at least one. I think it's fair to say that I have a consistent, clean, reliable, and family-friendly writing style that puts readers at ease...

Mercury: [eye roll] Saturn, I'm sure we can find one blog for you to do at least.

Saturn: I'm his ruling planet. Perhaps I could get two blogs?

Sun: Saturn, you can work out the details with Merc later. Mars...did you have something else?

Mars: Well, sir, I'm not trying to be rude or belligerent, I'm John's almuten, and I've got a lot of power in John's chart, too. I sometimes think that fact is forgotten. 
[glares at Saturn] 

Sun: Mars makes a good point, old man. But I'm delegating this whole thing to Mercury. All of you can deal with him.

[Neptune barges in]

Neptune: Sorry I'm late. [takes a swig from water bottle] What did I miss?

Moon: We're discussing helping John out with his blog while he's on vacation.

Neptune: That's totally awesome! I'm in! [sways slightly as he heads toward his seat]. That boy needs to calm the fuck down, anyway. Perhaps he should have a few drinks while he's at it.

Mercury: I'll put you in the rotation, Neptune. And that's not water in that bottle, is it?

Neptune: Oh hell no! When was the last time you saw me drinking water?

Sun: Neptune, I guess you felt the need to start getting pickled so early? And before a meeting, no less?

Neptune: [smiling] Early is relative, sir, but it's after 5:00 pm on Neptune!

Sun: [under his breath] Oooooh boy. Three sheets to the wind. [Full voice] I can see that, Neptune.

Neptune: And after the last meeting when I was sober, I felt like I should have been drunk. So I remedied that situation this time.

Saturn: Neptune, did you put that app on your phone that we discussed that keeps you from sending drunk messages from your phone? The one where you have to answer math problems to text?

Neptune: [smiling proudly] NOPE! I decided fuck it.

Saturn: I think I figured out that one before you told me. Once you're less, um...inebriated, we'll have to revisit that topic. I didn't appreciate getting 20 "I fucking [heart] you all!" messages starting at 2:30am! 

Neptune: Well, if you'd have replied...

Venus: Neptune, we all love you, too. But we need to conclude this meeting.

Sun: Well spoken, Lady Venus. Make any requests for blogs directly to Mercury. He has the final word, so when you inevitably come back unhappy about something I'm not going to overrule him. Saturn, I'm talking to you specifically.

Saturn: That is an extremely disappointing development. But I understand, sir.

Sun: Lady Moon, have I missed anything?

Moon: No, sir. Mercury will send me a document summarizing his decisions about the blog, and I'll make that publicly available.

Sun: Thanks as always, Lady Moon. We're adjourned!

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